Something funny?

[protechpc]

I am tired of reading about all this boring stuff. What kind of car, what do you eat for lunch, where do you go on the weekend.....

Let's get lively -- I need a laugh. No -- I am not looking for jokes.......

How about this? I get an email from a person who lives in the south. Her friend that forwarded the email to her apologized for sending her the email "so late at night".



------------------
Need a website? We can help!
protechpc.com (http://www.protechpc.com)

[joshc]

Stupid signs etc. So, In my apartment building, they are going to do some elctrical work. The front door is magnetically shut until the correct code is pressed (I.E, I use the same sytem at my work) And when there is no electricity, the system has no back up battery. The matienance guys posted signs all over the complex saying..


" AMUE will be putting in a new electrical pole in next week. For this we will make sure this door stays off, so no one gets locked out."


??? Hello???? No SHlT its gonna be off...

[protechpc]

That reminds me a of the sign on a door that says "This door must remain closed"

DUH?!?! Then it should be a wall, not a door.

------------------
Need a website? We can help!
protechpc.com (http://www.protechpc.com)

[thirdfey]

Sandhills Community College Library

"No Spitting Tobacco products into the Trash Can" sign

I live in the south.

[Damned Angel]

next to a complex for mentaly disabled kids

"Slow children playing"

[This message has been edited by Damned Angel (edited December 01, 2000).]

[Danrak]

If you want stuff like that how about:

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

What do they mean by "semi-boneless ham"? Does it have a bone there or not?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

I've got tons of stuff like that, including labels on products that make no sense, church bulletion bloppers, etc...

------------------
.·°Danrak°·.
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

[ReBoot]

Why is it: we drive on a parkway, and park in a driveway?

[protechpc]

How about the sign that says "Hidden Driveway Ahead"

Why did they hide it?

------------------
Need a website? We can help!
protechpc.com (http://www.protechpc.com)

[protechpc]

I am feeling much better now. The voices inside my head are happy ..... and much quieter.



------------------
Need a website? We can help!
protechpc.com (http://www.protechpc.com)

[3fingersalute]

Originally posted by protechpc:
I am tired of reading about all this boring stuff. What kind of car, what do you eat for lunch, where do you go on the weekend.....


Tell me about it!! People don't understand that this is a Tech Tales forum!

I think they should make a forum for all those people who like to start 3 or 4 topics a day about your cats, what weight oil you use in your car and what size shoe you wear to post to each other!!!

I beginning to think these people start any topic in they can come up with just to raise there numbers or something?

What's next?....Boxers or Briefs?

C'Mon...let's get back to those Funny and Outrageous Tales!!!


------------------
Why do convenience stores that are open 24/7 have locks on the doors?

[This message has been edited by 3fingersalute (edited December 01, 2000).]

[klenard]

Amen

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Some days you are the dog, some days you are the Hydrant.

[jaeger]

Want somethin' really funny... the warranty on a Gateway. Kinda like laughing at a deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed kid, though.

------------------
Life isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over.

[wmwtm]

Danrak,
Please don't shoot the mimes. As you know a mime is a terrible thing to waste!

[Larommi]

What's next?....Boxers or Briefs?

Boxers...sorry could not resist!

How about those little packets they put in electronics to absorb moisture! "Do not eat" Like I really thought they sent free candy with my hard drive!! Sheesh!



------------------
You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track,
only to discover that you're on the wrong train.

[Damned Angel]

She may have only been a prostitute, but she had the prettiest face I ever came across

------------------
Who's cruel joke was it to put the letter "S" in the word LISP??

[poida217]

When you boot off a Windows ME cd and configure unallocated hd space, and then it says it is gonna reboot and tells you to make sure the windows ME bootdisk is in the A drive. When windows ME starts shipping with boot disks then I will make sure to do that.

------------------
I can't get lost, everyone tells me where to go.

[TheLow1]

For the Stupid sign department.

I was at Wal-Mart this weekend and I saw a sign that said "Free Hearing Test" Right behind the sign was one of those Salvation Army people ring one of those bells. I almost fell down when I saw it. I will try to get a photo and post it.

[BreakWindows]

l took a great photo on my way up to Binghamton once. l was on the NYS Thruway, and saw one of those signs that says "Your tax dollars at work: we'll be building new roads, adding lanes, blahblah blah we're wonderful..."

Well, right under the part that said "Your Tax Dollars At Work", was 12 guys sitting on their asses drinking coffee (and noone doing any work, besides that one guy sweeping. Why is there always one guy sweeping??). l swerved off the next exit, looped around and got back on just to snap a pic of that. http://forums.windrivers.com/cgi-bin/forum/smile.gif


------------------
Either drop the Windows out of your computers, or drop your computers out of the windows.
BreakWindows (http://www.breakwindows.com)

[This message has been edited by BreakWindows (edited December 04, 2000).]

[ibennetch]

Originally posted by BreakWindows:
l took a great photo on my way up to Binghamton once. l was on the NYS Thruway, and saw one of those signs that says "Your tax dollars at work: we'll be building new roads, adding lanes, blahblah blah we're wonderful..."

Well, right under the part that said "Your Tax Dollars At Work", was 12 guys sitting on their asses drinking coffee (and noone doing any work, besides that one guy sweeping. Why is there always one guy sweeping??). l swerved off the next exit, looped around and got back on just to snap a pic of that. http://forums.windrivers.com/cgi-bin/forum/smile.gif



rotfl you have to post that here when you get your pictures back!

[cyberhh]

Originally posted by 3fingersalute:
Tell me about it!! People don't understand that this is a Tech Tales forum!

I think they should make a forum for all those people who like to start 3 or 4 topics a day about your cats, what weight oil you use in your car and what size shoe you wear to post to each other!!!

I beginning to think these people start any topic in they can come up with just to raise there numbers or something?

What's next?....Boxers or Briefs?

C'Mon...let's get back to those Funny and Outrageous Tales!!!



Boxers

[cyberhh]

Label on Dial Soap: Use like any other soap
Clothes iron - remove clothing BEFORE ironing (I actually met someone this warning was targeted at)
Dish Soap - not for food
Washing Machine - remove clothes before washing
Millions more - and the worst part of the whole mess is that all those lables were written to give the legal department an out when people do exactly what the label says not to do!

[CobraTekMax]

And now for a few quotes from the master of comedy, Mr. Rodney Dangerfield.

"You guys wanna good laugh? Watch a porno in reverse. You'll see the hooker give the money back!"

"This girl was so wild, when she'd licks the stamp, Elvis smiles!"

"I tell ya, golf courses and cemetaries are the biggest wastes of prime real estate."

"I saved a girl from being attacked the other day - I changed my mind!"




------------------
Clatu...Verata...nnnn...necktie...nectur...nickel. ...it's definately an "N" word...

[Danrak]

My sister-in-law works for MSN on their phone support system. They said they were expected to be extremely busy on Thanksgiving, so they wanted to be 140% staffed. Now if they can only handle being 100% staffed what did they do with the other 40%?

------------------
.·°Danrak°·.
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

[Snommis69]

Just to continue the trend...

-Can you buy a whole chess set at a pawn shop?
-What do you add to powdered water?
-Why do you put your two cents in, but it is a penny for your thoughts?
-If a man speaks in the woods, and no woman heard him, is he still wrong?
-Why is there Braille instructions at the drive-thru ATM?


------------------
Is the damn thing plugged in, is the damn thing turned on?

[This message has been edited by Snommis69 (edited December 05, 2000).]

[WickedTech]

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.


------------------
You did what? I'm sorry but that's not supported.

[ledrichard]

Quick Joke!!!!

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman brags, “and this morning she couldn’t stop telling me how much she adored me.”

“Last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian replies,” and today she said she could never love another man.”

The American remains silent, and the Frenchman smugly asks, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”

“Once,” says the American.

“Only once?” the Italian snorts arrogantly. “And what did she say to you this morning?”

“‘Don’t stop.’”


HEHEHEHH!!!

[BS_Tech_Spec]

Did you hear about the programmer who spent the whole day in the shower?

He was following the instructions on the bottle of shampoo;
Lather
Rinse
Repeat

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None.
It's a hardware problem!

[ledrichard]

Here is another one. Enjoy!!!

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter. “Names Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin'.”

“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks…tough crowd. “Well, I get along well with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem”, says Sam. “Remember, I’ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”

[tregee]

Hemiroid cream: Warning not for oral use.

You know they put signs on things like this because someone was stupid enough to try it once. I say let them kill or mame themselves for being that stupid.

[EvilKlown]

Okay, All of these have been seen on Tshirts:

My Wife gives me sound advice. That is 99% sound and 1% advice.
For Sale: Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
Some Days you are the pigeon, And some days you are the statue.
I'm Multi-Talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
If you think my attitude stinks, You should smell my underwear.
I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day, tomorrow doesn't look good either.
I'm sorry. My Fault. I forgot you were an idiot.
You're just jealous that the voices talk to me.
5 out of 4 people have a problem with fractions.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" -Benjamin Franklin
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Never knock on Death's door..... Ring the bell and run. He Hates That !
and my personal favorite:
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar


------------------
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

[AmeriDan]

http://www.ernieshouseofwhoopass.com

[unikey]

warning contents may be hot....macdonalds coffee.

Simon

[InterPur]

Sorry, I can't help it. I have made up two computer jokes in my time and must post them.

Q. What happens to old computer repairmen who are not very religious?

A. They diagnostic.


Q. Did you hear that they may start preventing dyslexics from operating computers?

A. Yes, they are afraid if they click OK it will knock them out.

Now I can relax....


------------------
Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.

[norvim]

Never cry over spilt milk... a waste is a terrible thing to mind!

[Lia]

tregee
Sometimes the problem is when people don't do it to themselves, but to others.

My mom works in a hospital, and one time a parent (who was slow) brought her little kid in who was extremely sick. The kid had lice or something (I can't remember exactly). Anyway, the parent had taken the lice shampoo and instead of washing the kid's hair with it, had been feeding it to her. Hadn't read the instructions, or at least not all of them. The little kid almost died. Pretty scary... Read the label!

[LORE]

What's next?....Boxers or Briefs?


I haven't worn uderwear in years

sorry, had to do it, you understand http://forums.windrivers.com/cgi-bin/forum/biggrin.gif


------------------
We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us.

[xKr0N0sx]

I also gave up underwear years ago. My job is restricting enough. I need to be free somehow!

[Ebra]

Just the other day had a guy bring in his computer because he couldn't get his floopy drive to work when we tried to put a floppy in there the floppy would not fit so we looked inside the floppy and found there was a set of keys inside the floppy when we showed the guy he said that he had been missing those keys for a month or more

[Type_O_Negative_1320]

At my previous company, we had a salesman/tech guy who wasn't too bright when it came to computers, but tried to act the part. We had been trying to get a network hub, cards, cables, etc. to get our small office wired together (4 people were in the company). Well, our salesman/tech wanders in one day with a box of network components (read: total trash) that was shipped to him by some guy after he found all of it on E-Bay for about $300. Figuring we could give it a shot since we had nothing better to do that day anyways, we installed the cards, ran the cable, and got the hub situated. Then I realized that we had no power cord for the hub. I looked at the power connector, figured out what we needed, and went up to the store to buy one.

I get back to the office to find that the room is filled with smoke, and there sits the hub in the middle of the room, smashed and covered in coffee with a big black hole burnt through the top of the case. Seems that our salesman/tech/DUMBASS didn't understand the concept of proper voltages and dug out some other connector, plugged the hub in, saw the lights come on and figured it was good to go. After a few minutes, he told me, there was a big bang and he ran out of the other room to find the hub smoking and burning. Worried that it was going to catch the office on fire, he promptly doused it with his mug of coffee, threw it on the ground, and stomped it out. From that point on, he was not allowed to work with hardware anymore.

[CREEPINGDEATH]

You guys are right this page has been pretty boring lately ,I must admit I did start posting on this page for all the laughs .

[cyberhh]

Confusious say:

"Build a man a fire he is warm for rest of day, set man on fire he is warm for rest of life."

[Peacedog]

My all time favorite:
Windows 95 Plug and Pray
"Unsupported Device Installing Drivers for it"

[enicho]

I was once in a gas station and saw one of those eyewash stations next to the cashier. Right above the eyewash station were pictures of the store managers - one of the managers wore an eyepatch!!! Coincidence??

[enicho]

Saw a sign outside a meat market that read: McLeod's Market
No one can beat our meat

I'm not making this up.

------------------
Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill!!

[rockjock59]

saw a good advertising sign the other day...
not quite sure how to take it

don's vacuum villa
"our vacuums really suck"

and an old classic

Reeds mortuary
"people are just dying to get in"

as for those of you who gave up underwear
please continue to wear pants

[Vigilante]

I was doing a rollout once at a factory and saw one of those signs with the circle and line thru it. The sign was to warn of the high pressure water hose used for cleaning the floor and not for drinking. The circle had a head, body and hose inside. The head had a jagged edge on it and chunks blowing out the back of it. I wish I had a camera.

[FatalException0E]

Hey, Snommis69, if someone offers you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, do they give you change?

Had a user (looser) call the other day, saying he had an Athlon 700 and a Tbird 750........asked which one was faster

------------------
Two things are infinte: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - A. Einstein

[DesertEagle]

Sign outside Dave's Meat Market: "You can't beat our meat but you can bust our chops."

A guy is the only survivor of a shipwreck and washes up on an island. After 6 months he wants sex badly and notices every day a sheep and a dog come out of the woods. He tries to approach the sheep figuring a sheep is better than nothing but the dog bites him all the time. This goes on for 6 months until one day he see an explosion in the distance, swims out to the boat and rescues a beautiful woman. After being rescued she says to him " I will do anything for you". As she says this the dog and sheep emerge and he looks at the woman and says "Hold the dog for me !!"

[Caddarn]

I read this in one of the broadsheets yesterday:

"Mr Johnstone, a student at the university of Wolverhampton, decided that it would be fun to moon at some of his friends from his third floor bedroom window. When he stood on the radiator and lowered his trousers, he slipped, and fell through the window, breaking several bones.
He is now sueing the university for failing to properly supervising his behaviour, and for not warning him of the dangers of falling through a third story window"

and this, which is a cracker:

"At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his landrover off the cliff..."

Cad

-------
So this is how it feels to be potato salad...

[u8drtsox]

I posted this one a few weeks ago and not many replies came back so I am reposting it again.

posted November 29, 2000 10:14 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever had a time when because one thing happened, whatever it may be, a whole bunch of crap happened in the background because of it. Funny thing happened today at the Office and I just had to share it with the rest of the Tech community. I'll try to explain it as best I can.
We had a Dell tech show up to service a laptop that had some issues today and I was busy so I couldn't go up and get it for him from the end user so I had someone call the user and he stated that he was leaving for the day so we can take his laptop and do whatever need to be done. Well the person that I had call this individual sent the Dell tech up to the clients cube "at least it used to be his cube" Tech came back down to IT with "A" laptop and proceded to start working on it. He ended up taking about 4 hours to fix it and he had to get going. I told him I would bring it back up to the user's desk for him and said see ya. When I got up to the Clients "old" cube (Mind you, I just got back from vacation and was unaware of the move" I noticed an empty cube. After asking a neighbor where the user moved to I went to his "new" cube that he just moved to and found that "HIS" laptop was still sitting in the docking station just like the user left it. I ran back down stairs to our area to find that the Dell tech had done like Elvis and "Left the Building". I also found out that security had been by earlier and asked if someone had seen a laptop that belonged to an outside sales rep who was onsight for the day. Hee Hee Meanwhile through all of this I also came to find that the reason I hadn't seen the network admin for the past few hours was because he was imaging a new laptop for the sales rep who thought his laptop was stolen. What a day. The best is going to be tomorrow when I have to tell the original end user that nothing was fixed on his laptop yesterday because someone forgot to update their phone list. What a mess...........Anyone else have a good one???
------------------
Sometimes I fill my tub up with milk and blow bubbles
P.S. The end user got a good laugh about it the next day and then nicely asked if his laptop would be fixed before the end of this year.

[This message has been edited by u8drtsox (edited December 06, 2000).]

[jaeger]

hey FatalExceptionOE
Don't knock that user too bad. He may have been smarter than average. After all, an Athlon 600 is hella faster than a celeron 700. Probably the same kind of mistake. Now, stupid is the guy (ex co-worker) who had an A+ but fried a motherboard my putting the ATX power connector on wrong. Shoved the block in backwards (a little 7/4 in september).

------------------
Life isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over.

[GirlGeek]

I'm at a clients installing some software that "has never worked properly".
Nothing on the diskettes or manual say what OS they are for and she's right...you get to diskette number 2 and the error messages start. I start digging through the manual for their tech support figuring something is wrong in the way of a bad disk and I quote..

"In the unlikely event that you would need tech support, please re read the manual."

How's that for support? We finally dug up a phone number, called them only to be told that the developer winters in Florida and is unreachable. After much persuasion we were given a number and upon explaining the error code was told that he must have accidentally shipped her a version for win 3.1. It took her getting angry to get him to swap it out, he wanted to charge her full cost on a new set of disks.


------------------
Now...if I could only defrag my brain...

[bcgreen]

biker buddy had a new t-shirt. on the back it said .HONK IF YOU CAN READ THIS! THE DRUNK BITCH FELL OFF.i ask him where he got it.wife gave it to him for b-day.

[pcshark]

You ever seen those signs that say "In case of fire, do not use elevators, use stairs." Why do they put those on the ground floor? If the building is on fire and I'm on the ground floor, you can bet your sweet bippy I'm not using the elevator OR the stairs, I'm using the FRONT DOOR!!!

------------------
R. Bret Walker, CNE

Wondering what videos to rent this weekend? Check out The People's Reviews (http://www.geocities.com/pcshark/b-e), movie reviews written for the people and by the people.

"It's ironic, isn't it? The people who can think are so afraid of those who cannot."