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November 7th, 2000, 07:44 AM
#1
[RESOLVED] Anyone remember the Usenet Oracle?
Ne1 remember this list from the BBS days? I'm dug up these two jokes and I'm looking for more!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
) What did the Tibetian [sic] monk say to the hot dog vendor?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor
} occurred one block south of Times Square in July 1988.
}
} Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today? Footlong with
} the works? I said, what can I get for ya today? Hey, ya
} wanna hot dog or not? Listen if yer not going to order willya
} move on, I gotta business to run. Stop starin' at me, man.
} And wipe that silly grin off yer face. Say something, dammit, [line 284]
} yer givin' me the creeps. Hey, I get it. Ya don't [speak]
} English, do ya? Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot dogs,
} uh, perros calientes. Okay, fine! just stand there. See if I
} care. Just don't scare away the customers. Jeez. Forget it.
} Ya wanna Coke? Coca-cola? I don't care where yer from, ya
} gotta understand "Coca-cola". Coca-cola? Stop smiling.
} People'll think yer up to something. Hey, I got all-beefs,
} beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish sausage, and kielbasa. You
} can get ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, pickles, or
} onions on them. I've got plain and whole grain buns. I don't
} care what you want, just order something or leave. I'm
} serious, man, if you don't go away, I'll call the cops and
} have them arrest you for loitering. Jesus Christ, will you
} stop staring at me! STOP IT! At least blink once in a while.
} You're driving me crazy! You wanna Coke? Wait, no, I already
} tried that. Listen, man, I'm serious, stop starin' and grin-
} nin' at me. I gotta gun under the counter. I'll use it. I
} mean it. STOP STARING AT ME! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOPIT-
} STOPITSTOPIT! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! AAAAARGH! STOPIT-
} STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! PLEASE LOOK AWAY! HERE! OKAY! I'M
} MAKING YOU A HOT DOG FOR FREE! TAKE IT! EAT IT! JUST GO
} AWAY! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! YOU WANNA COKE? OKAY!
} HERE'S A COKE! IT'S ON THE HOUSE! NOW PLEASE GO AWAY!
} I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! YOUR EYES ARE DRIVING ME
} INSANE! PLEASE STOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!
}
} Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show
} his teeth. At that moment the hot dog vendor was enlightened.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better koan. And a new deli.
[293-03; formatting of the original text has been modified]
and..
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
) Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss [o]f personality when
) exposed in any manner to a computer?
[line 807]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation...
}
} In the beginning there was a Computer. And God said to the computer
} % vi creation.c
} He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good.
} And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good. He
} then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried
} to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which
} was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe
} and Everything. The Operating System had a glitch and the
} Universe could not be kill -9'd.
}
} It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit
} with Him. He snarled at her for the interruption. Then Man,
} being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being
} interrupted by women while he was working on a computer.
}
} That is why men react poorly when being interrupted on the
} computer. It is a Divine trait.
}
} You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe. [175-10]
Hilarious
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=-iateyourcat-=
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