rules to live by

[techs]

Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff of a computer support department near you...

1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than #3. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to #4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno bulls**t to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak the same language we do. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simply admit what you did to cause this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $45 an hour to teach you, because we won't do it for free.

This is an edit to the above(9-26-00):
Holy SH*T. I hadn't looked at this since i posted it, and now there are like 60+ replies.I received this from one of my customers who thought it was funny, and so did I. PLEASE don't take it seriously. It was for FUN. It does not necessarily reflect all my attitudes(although some are right on).
I posted this right after i had this experience: Customer says he can't connect to his isp. This is afer he brought me a new boxed modem that i installed, and showed him in the shop it worked by connecting to my isp, which is the same as his. he brings it in,I checked it out, and changed all the settings the isp had changed attempting to get it to work, and it connected again from my shop. Charged him $30.00(minimum fee) He eventually found out it was a problem with the wiring in his home. he calls back asking for the thirty dollars back because there was nothing wrong with it when he brought it in. I gently explained the situation and he understood. Afterwards I was thinking,"I go to the Doctor for a checkup. he says i am in good health. Next day would i call him and ask for the money back because I was healthy?"


[This message has been edited by techs (edited September 26, 2000).]

[klenard]

Amen brother, Preach on Father Techs.

[Damned Angel]

Damn i'm glad i broke my phone.

[shawnMt]

Yep, that pretty much summed it up.

------------------
GENERAL FAILURE READING DRIVE A:
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Paint your old laptop!

[NeuromancerIV]

damn.
that was every arguement I've had in my head in the last 24 hours (and past 15 years!!) rolled up into a page long rant! LOL

thanks Techs!

[gotbyk]

Slap that on the side of every new PC!

[3fingersalute]

don't forget rule # 11:

When you walk through the door with your computer in hand, you can go ahead and take whatever diagnosis or suggestion that your mother's sister's little nephew's hampster's neighbor who is really good with computers gave you and shove it right back up there a$$...because that's more than likely where they pulled it out of!!!

I mean, if they knew what was wrong and want to tell you what needs done to fix it, why didn't they just do it then?

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WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?......Not that it matters, because Micrsoft will crash on the way there!!!

[Renée]

You're preachin' to the choir, but MAN are you preachin' RIGHT!! Amen!

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GeekGirl
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[Kit]

RULE 11: NEVER insult, bug, bother, pester, annoy, talk smack about, etc. sny technician WHILE he still has your computer. If you do you can be sure that it will NEVER work right again.


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Want a faster system? Switch the power switch on the power supply to read 230w. You'll almost double your power. By the way, does anyone eles smell somke?

[thirdfey]

#12
If the sign on the door says "Employees Only," you damn well better stay out. I don't care how much you'll pay or say you won't touch anything.

#13
No you can't watch me fix it. No one says, hey doc, can I watch you operate on my mom in the operating room and if you can just explain everything your doing.

[Kinslayer]

hey, Kit, did you know that if you really did switch the switch on your powersupply to 230w it would give your motherboard LESS power, it would also give LESS power to all of your other devices? in Europe, 230w is the standard wattage coming out of the walls, so you switch your computer to 230w to INCREASE THE RESISTANCE, and deliver the PROPER 12v to your devices.

I think this whole thread is a load of ****, why? because everyone has problems, and it is your *deleted* job to help them. Just because you know more then them, (and I have talked to alot of so-called help desk people who know MUCH less than I did five years ago, and the fact that I've had to teach them things) doesn't mean you can *deleted* them around. Next time one of you *deleted* goes to the *deleted* mechanic, think about what you have said here, and then think about how gracefully the mechanic deals with YOUR ****.
Yeah, I have called helpdesk places for my ISP a few times, and I know the 'technicians' are dumb as posts when I say "I just finished re-installing windows, I need the main access number (or whatever) and the mail server addresses" and they reply with "What operating system are you using?"

**EDIT Kinslayer you took the language waay overboard there. Don't use this board just to insult people - shawnMt

[This message has been edited by Kinslayer (edited September 24, 2000).]


[This message has been edited by shawnMt (edited September 24, 2000).]

[Phatboy]

OH GOD WAS THAT FUNNY!!
KinSlayer, shut the F*CK up.
We're just here having some fun.
Don't like it? Then go back to your AOL Chatrooms and leave the driving to the real f*cking techs, A**HOLE.
The point of the "rules" was NOT peoples lack of ability, rather the ATTITUDE they have like we're their f*ucking plummer.
I don't want to hear from you again.

[Sowulo]

Geez, lighten up already. Actually, I encourage my clients to pay attention and ask questions while I'm working. An informed customer is a good customer. And I get really bored fixing the same old thing over and over and over...I'd rather have a happy customer who feels more competent and wants to try new things which means I get to $ell him/her something new. Oh yeah, the referrals aren't bad either...15yrs of steady income.

[This message has been edited by sowulo (edited September 24, 2000).]

[gbbone]

Kinslayer,

Read Kit's footnote again. It's obviously a joke. If your knowledge of electrical theory was as good as you seem to think it is you would have understood that.

P= I x E

Remember that basic formula from Electricity 101? Oh wait, maybe you don't have a degree...

Get off your soap box and have some fun here. That's obviously what this thread is about.

[myarema]

Procedures for working with the IT department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password.
It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description
of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a
pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you
wouldn't be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he
hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

24. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having
to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

25. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

26. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going
on.

28. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

29. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the
settings and drivers somewhere.

31. Keep it crashing!