[RESOLVED] poetry

[DaOnly123Kid]

a bunch of my friends are into poetry, and finally convinced my to write a poem, but i want to make sure it is just right before i let them see it...... i was wondering if any of you guys were very good at analyzing poetry, if you are please p/m me and i will email you a copy of my poem for you to read, and let me know where i could make changes <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">

[Sowulo]

Originally posted by DaOnly123Kid:
<STRONG>a bunch of my friends are into poetry, and finally convinced my to write a poem, but i want to make sure it is just right before i let them see it...... i was wondering if any of you guys were very good at analyzing poetry, if you are please p/m me and i will email you a copy of my poem for you to read, and let me know where i could make changes <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

Go ahead and send it...I've been both a writer and editor of quite a bit of published work...I'd be happy to give you a read... <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">

[EvilCabbage]

I'll have a look at it if you like, always loved literary stuff ... it'd be nice to have enough talent to write a book ... *sigh*

[AlienDyne]

I wouldn't mind checking it. If you need my comments, send me a PM too.

[furlong47]

As you can see if you visit my website (see my signature) i loooooooooove poetry!!! I'd be glad to take a look at it and if you, your friend or anyone else wants to send me some poems, I'll post them on my site too <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

[DaOnly123Kid]

ok, i sent it to the people who were interested

just lemme know wut u think

[n8dawg]

why dont you just post it up here and we can all take a look if you show me yours i will show you mine (no pun)

[Elbatcho]

I used to write years ago, post it and or send it to me and I will take a look. I am working on a book right now, it's fun but it takes a while to map out the plot.

[Wayward Clam]

I'm a writer as well, if you want more feedback.

[Sowulo]

Hi. Just wanted to let you know I PM'd some thoughts....

Be well.

[DaOnly123Kid]

Originally posted by Positive NRG:
<STRONG>why dont you just post it up here and we can all take a look if you show me yours i will show you mine (no pun)</STRONG>

ok here it is.... just as a notice, it is still a work in progress, still needs lots of changes, and is very simple as far as literary devices.

<STRONG> My Mountain is more than just a friend. </STRONG>
by David E. Sykes Jr.

The place I wish to be
Is on the face of My Mountain
Where the snow white plains
Meet black forests.

Snow white plains smooth
And curvaceous.
My fingers skiing across
The drunken slopes for hours.

A black forest so thick
My skis couldn’t make it through.
So thick and full,
Not a snowflake could be seen.

A passion of mine
Is to ski My Mountain’s drunken slopes,
When the slopes get drunken,
My Mountain can be violent.

However violent My Mountain
Is to me, it does not matter,
I will not leave a mark, not even a ski print
On any part of My Mountain.

How I wish I could own My Mountain,
But owned will not be My Mountain.
How I wish I could ski My Mountain every day,
But soon from My Mountain I will be away.

[Elbatcho]

Originally posted by DaOnly123Kid:
<STRONG>


ok here it is.... just as a notice, it is still a work in progress, still needs lots of changes, and is very simple as far as literary devices.

[qb] My Mountain is more than just a friend. </STRONG>
by David E. Sykes Jr.

The place I wish to be
Is on the face of My Mountain
Where the snow white planes
Meet black forests.

Snow white planes smooth
And curvaceous.
My fingers skiing across
The drunken slopes for hours.

A black forest so thick
My skis couldn’t make it through.
So thick and full,
Not a snowflake could be seen.

A passion of mine
Is to ski My Mountain’s drunken slopes,
When the slopes get drunken,
My Mountain can be violent.

However violent My Mountain
Is to me, it does not matter,
I will not leave a mark, not even a ski print
On any part of My Mountain.

How I wish I could own My Mountain,
But owned will not be My Mountain.
How I wish I could ski My Mountain every day,
But soon from My Mountain I will be away.[/QB]

It's really good, the only thing I would keep in mind is repeating the same word, but other than that I liked it,
A

[n8dawg]

i agree i feel the sam word over and over it is good
i would also like to see more of a vision i saw the mountain you had some line in there that told me about it but get more visual ok here is a song im workin on it is not near finished.
first i lay it out then i get the ryhming down than i start to paint pictures im in the piture stage then the course here it is


A message to my father (the circle of life)


Forgive me for what I have done/ were in life has it all begun/
From a lil tike I was ment to be raw/ do you still remember my first braw?/
Mr O.G., my pops/ you settled for nothing but the best from me/
Even while you were hitting tha tea/ I strived dayin and dayout to live our destiny/
And even when I would cut up and you hit me on my backside/
I would try real hard not to cry/ I would never hide/ would always ride
You were raising this lil g/ the best way you knew how and that’s coo ya see/
I remember when you went away/and everyday/I would say/ my pops is comin home today/ then I found out that you were cracked out/ I was left in a situation my friends laughed about/ that left me tha man of the house/ took care of my sis and my momz the best way I knew how/
And since momz worked all the time/I turned to the street of crime/

Hook is sung) cuz it crazy how cryin times disarrange your mind
Sit back and listen to my story rhyme of my hard tymes


I remember when I would visit the institution/ya told me bout your resolution of this prosecution/
Ya read me the constitution/shot pool, acted a fool/ and came up with a solution/
So we could spend time while you were getting cleaned up/ keep your head up/ as I said bye/
And once again I try not to cry/
when you got out it was mad tight/ we would say up all night/ shooting hoops in tha moonlight/
but now Im older than ten/at the age of 16 I was fighting grown men/
had to move out of state/to get away from being rapped/ bye tha badges/that were at my gate/
fell out of touch/but still hold much/ luv for ya popz/ wun luv for ya chief

hook)


Times have changed / I ve grown up and made my own name/
and even thou shyt will neva be tha same/ I cant wait to c ya and show ya what I became
Away from being thugged out/ I want to know what you’re a bout/ and show ya tha kids I care about/
I herd you were back on that yayo/ when I herd that I was like hellz no/
you aint even got a phone/ so I can call you at home/ god dam my mind iz blown
and even thou you on cocaine/thought you learned that shyt iz insane/
still want to see ya clear up your membrane/
circle of life got me tryin to place blame/
mad luv for ya pops hope ya clean up your ****in act
and maybe this will find ya someday cuz i know i cant