Texas chili eating contest

[dead]

As these are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey ...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili
cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and
I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a
true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."


*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced.

*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.

*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole in my stomach.

*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Spaceman Spiff]

I've always like that. Try this short golfing story...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

"Does that feel better?", she asked.

"Ohhh, Yeah....It feels really great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[dead]

LOL, i liked that one.

[Rocinante]

What was funny, I was actually eating a hot chilli my wife made for dinner.... I need a beer.

Good one

[cc_penguin]

I almost woke up the wife laughing so hard...
[quote]
"Wipe my *** with a snow cone"
<hr></blockquote>

love it

[ßracius]

[quote]Originally posted by cc_penguin:
<strong>I almost woke up the wife laughing so hard...
love it </strong><hr></blockquote>

Yup, more you go south the hotter the action gets......