New Jokes

[ephmynus]

Sorry everyone. I was bored at work and realized how much I would enjoy reading some jokes right now so I figured I'd post for all you that are having a similar day.


Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...
surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok,
they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Dyslexia means never having
to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
had it, chances are you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.

Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.


Joe graduated from Law School and decided to open up his own practice in his hometown. The first day the practice opened, Joe saw a man walking towards his office. He decided he was going to make a big impression. Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not, you tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This went on for almost five minutes. Finally, Joe hung up the phone and turned to the man. "Sorry for the delay, as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."


Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night.


Ten Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."


As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-90.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one... It's hundreds of them!"


Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$%?*! box
all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to
see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get
a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
... And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.


One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front
of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell
the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where
is this man now?"
"Flat on his *** over by the holy water," said the boy.


Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a
Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that ******* would've tried that **** with me!


John is on his way to the tee to start a round of golf, when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the washing machine repairman will be there around noon.
He goes back to the clubhouse and dails his house.
A little girl answers the phone "Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is daddy," said John. "Is mommy close to the phone so I can talk to her?"
"No daddy," she replied. "She is upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Fred."
"You don't have an uncle Fred sweetie," said John.
"Yes I do daddy, and he is upstairs with mommy right now"
"Ok honey, here's what daddy wants you to do. Go upstairs and knock on mommy's door, and tell her that my car just pulled into the driveway."
"Ok daddy!"
The girl returns in a few minutes and says "I did it daddy."
"What happened?" asked John.
"Well, mommy got real scared and ran around the room. She tripped and fell out the window onto the sidewalk and now she's all dead!"
"Oh my god! What about uncle Fred?"
"He got scared too, and fell out the back window into the pool. But, I guess he forgot that you drained all of the water out of the pool yesterday, and he's all dead too!"
"Pool?"
"Did I dial 555-6342?"


How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


Drinks & Personalities
Rated R

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a
woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows
exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested,
she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but
actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an
easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get
totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this
evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her
mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,
very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).


How to Impress....... A Woman Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress
her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold
her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, dance with her,
listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her
How to impress a Man Show up naked. Bring Beer.

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at
the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates and
saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around, were her parents and all the
other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:

"Hello." "How are you?" "We've been waiting for you."
"Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint
Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse
who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the
lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought
a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."


Overworked
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and
that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[Matt_29]

Thanx I needed those

[±Octavian]

I got this in a email today.....so that probaly means some of you have heard these before but if not you will find these funny....btw I am a Lions Fan...just got to take light when they are doing bad and hope that next season is better.


Q. What's the difference between the Detroit Lions
& the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game

Q. How do the Detroit Lions count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9,
0-10

Q. What do the Detroit Lions & Billy Graham have
in common?
A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up &
yell "Jesus Christ" !

Q. How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your
yard?
A. Put up goal posts

Q. Where do you go in Detroit in case of a Tornado?
A. To the Silverdome - they never get a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call a Detroit Lion with a SuperBowl ring?
A. A thief

Q. Why doesn't Flint have a professional football team?
A. Because then Detroit would want one

Q. Why was Marty Mornhinweg upset when the Detroit Lions playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar

Q. How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Superbowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting round TV watching the SuperBowl?
A. The Detroit Lions

Q. What do the Detroit Lions and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
Q. How can you tell when the Detroit Lions are going to run the football?
A. The back leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

A Lion couple with a Cub were getting a divorce. The judge grants the divorce, then asks the cub, "So would you like to live with Mother Lion?" The cub says, "No, mother lion beats me.". The judge says, "Oh, well would you like to live with Father Lion?" The cub says, "No, father lion beats me too." The judge then says, "Well, who would you like to live with?" The cub says, "I want to live with the Detroit Lions, they don't beat nobody."

[WebHead]

LOL Octavian,.. those were pretty funny. Sorry man. They'll do better next year since they should get some decent draft picks. But those damn Houston Texans are going to steal your shot at the #1 draft pick. Bummer.

[Fierce]

Aplus...thats all you have for jokes...I thought you might have had a few more!

[JungleMan1]

probably old jokes:

------
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

------------

I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young blondes in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next to us and asked us where the light houses were
.
"Lighthouses?" I asked.

"Yes lighthouses. We are new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them" The driver replied.

Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"

"Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person" the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.

I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping".

------------
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

-----------
A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.

After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for.

So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.'

The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes.

'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette,

'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

---------------
One day a neighbor of the blonde's go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again.

The blonde replied with, "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

[*SlyVenom*]

<a href="http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/" target="_blank">http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/</a>

[TrackMan]

[quote]Originally posted by SlyVenom:
<strong>

<a href="http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/" target="_blank">http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/</a></strong><hr></blockquote>

That site is so disturbing I am at loss for words. I do not consider myself a prude or a tighta$$, but I really urge everyone not to go there.

[Akuma]

Dude, that site is quite a ways out there. The name says it all.

[Cobra]

[quote]Originally posted by SlyVenom:
<strong><a href="http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/" target="_blank">http://www.thisisacryforhelp.com/</a></strong><hr></blockquote>

BOOKMARKED!!!

[ßracius]

Ditto

[ßracius]

[quote]Originally posted by TrackMan:
<strong>

That site is so disturbing I am at loss for words. I do not consider myself a prude or a tighta$$, but I really urge everyone not to go there.</strong><hr></blockquote>

I think he is suggesting that the site might be something you would want to read at home. That or he is a prude. J/K

[*SlyVenom*]

[quote]Originally posted by Cobra:
<strong>

BOOKMARKED!!!</strong><hr></blockquote>

I ya liked that then try this...

<a href="http://www.manbeef.com/" target="_blank">http://www.manbeef.com/</a>

[Mayhem]

[quote]Originally posted by Cobra:
<strong>

BOOKMARKED!!!</strong><hr></blockquote>

Twice!!!

[*SlyVenom*]

Here are two more for ya...

<a href="http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/e-sermons/butcher.html" target="_blank">http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/e-sermons/butcher.html</a>

<a href="http://www.cool.icestorm.net/monkeybasket/" target="_blank">http://www.cool.icestorm.net/monkeybasket/</a>