Feels slightly akward

[Cleetus]

Ok, so I have been kinda messin' around with the chick at work again. We have been going to happy hour on Thursdays and emailing alot. Haven't done really anything but kiss and some rubbing and lap dancing and stuff.

Well chick lives(d) with her dude. Increasingly over the last several months he had been growing combative and argumentative do his inadequcies of being such a freaking puss. Plus he is 39, she is 28, he is 6'2" and she in 5'5". Dude had thrown her down on the bed and couch because he didn't want her to leave when he was still yellling. Two weekends ago, she was backing up her car just so she could play in the garage(darts) and he jumped through the passenger door violently grabbing her cause he thought she was leaving him for the night.

Then comes Saturday, he had lost all her cd's and she was trying to get him to even understand what he did wrong, and was trying to make a point about letting his dog out of the house and not caring. When she bent down to touch the dog, he went beserk, threw her back and she slammed right into the floor.

Now of course she is in the hospital with a bruised and swollen brain and concussion and other crap and luckily he spent at least the rest of the weekend in jail.

So anyway, she has been talking to me a lot, and I finally convinced her that if she didn't leave him now, she was going to end up dead. She got her parents to start getting her stuff and she is going to go back and live with them until she can get back on her feet.

So here I am, talking to her, yet I am the other dude. It feels way to wrong to go visit her in the hospital as she is there for the rest of the week. I did at least just send flowers. But damn, I hate actually being a caring person, but in a messed up situation.

I do know that he best not come back to my bar ever again.

[Larommi]

You did the right thing by talking her into leaving. But if you want my 2 cents its best to just walk away at this point. know that you did well.

[PuterGeekGirl]

I'd maybe give her a call, let her know your there if she needs a friend...but I think I'd let things cool a bit before seeing where it goes. She may still be apt to go back to him. We went thru something similar with my sister a few years back...the abuser gets a power of who they are abusing and they feel worthless and have low self esteem and often end up back with the abuser...its a vicious cycle and could very well take awhile to get resolved...and in the process she has to stay very strong and not let him keep the control over her.

Good luck...

[kato2274]

I'd hang back a bit if I were you cleetus. It's a pretty sad world and f'd up world we live in. If he is doing this kind of stuff and he doesn't know there is another guy, then imagine how much worse it could get if he finds out. You'd be putting yourself in danger and her in even more than she is already in.

Last year someone I had previously worked with and her new husband were shot to death in their front yard by the jealous crazy ex husband who then shot himself.

[meatwad]

Yeah, you need to be up front and establish with her if you just want to be her friend. If you aren't interested in her, you need to make sure she doesn't latch on to you rebound style.

[Cleetus]

So the get well flowers weren't a good move?

[kato2274]

So the get well flowers weren't a good move?

don't know. it's a tough call either way. She DOES need to know that she has some outside support. . . . . so it's good in that way. but if he sees flowers from another guy it could make him more jealous. :shrug:

what's done is done though. just navigate this situation as carefully as you possibly can.

[Camaro80z]

I have to say you are doing this right. You should be there to talk to her, but back away for a while. You do not want to become the rebound guy for someone you work with. That could become a sticky situation in more ways than one. Plus, you do not need the drama attached with the crazy ex.

[Camaro80z]

So the get well flowers weren't a good move?

The only thing I may have done differentyl was to send them with a card from the entire office, and then let her know they were from you when you talked to her. I think it will be okay the way you are doing it.

[3fingersalute]

So the get well flowers weren't a good move?

Personally, I think they were a great move, lets her know that you care, and if he happens to see them, lets him know that she has obviously had it with him.

On the other hand, I have seen this thing so many times, almost the exact same story, and ya_know what? I'll betcha any $$ that she ends up going back to him anyways - it's a control thing, and it will be very hard for her to mentally break herself away from him - otherwise, she'd have done it long ago. You're probably just a little thing on the side to get him to notice that she is not happy in her relationship.

I've been there, done that when it comes to this story, and it can take quite some time for her to come around and finally realize she needs to get rid of this loser, before she catches a bad case of teh dead!

[King Grover]

how is it taht women will let themselves go though something like this. Why do chikcs let tehmselfs get beated and then keep going back to the asehole becuase "i love him" fiik that! if my boyfriend evar beat me, i'd kick him in the balls and leave. then get a gun and call the cops. wtf????/ stay away cleetus. I know that you may have feelings for her, but try to keep it on a friendship level. She will always have taht psycho ex baggage and who knows the kind of head games that this little girl is gonna play on you. kinda reminds me of the chicago girl. be cool, but not too attached as there are more fishes in the see.

[Ya_know]

So here I am, talking to her, yet I am the other dude. It feels way to wrong to go visit her in the hospital as she is there for the rest of the week. I did at least just send flowers. But damn, I hate actually being a caring person, but in a messed up situation.

I do know that he best not come back to my bar ever again.

Hey, that’s how I met my wife, I was the other dude…she was engaged and unhappy, fortunately she wasn’t in a physically abusive relationship, but none the less things got weird for a long time once we hooked up.

The first thing I told her when we started dating was that she was to move out before we would get serious, and she had to tell him about me…no lies, no sneaking around. Well, that didn’t go as I had suggested, and that’s when she got locked out of her house cause he found out. We’ve been together ever since.

The thing you have to ask yourself Cleetus, is not whether you are doing anything wrong, but do you love her. If she’s special to you, then stick around, and tell her how you feel. If you’re just a friend, then be there for her, and be sure she’s aware of your feelings that way too.

Be careful that you don’t take the part of teh_Knight in shinning armor if you do stick around. She has to understand that her situation with him was her own, and that leaving him was her own choice…you didn’t “rescue” her. If you want this relationship to go somewhere, it can’t revolve around her failed relationship with this turd, and all the events that have or have yet to unfold, cause trust me when I say, it ain’t over yet…the fallout has yet to descend.

I also would suggest that you keep a low profile with this guy, until you get the gist of what’s on her plate. That doesn’t mean that you take your eye off of the ball, because if this guy does jail time, he’s going to be pissed at you for being the other guy. Don’t go looking for him, but if you bump into him you will be expected to stand your ground. Don’t instigate any fight with the guy, because depending on his emotional state, it could be very bloody. All you want to do is inform him that Cleetus didn’t steal his girl, that the turd is the one that messed everything up. Now she’s moved on, and the Cleetus is with her…the turd must learn to accept this as fact, and move on himself…remember, keep the violence out of it. At very least you could be put in jail for f-n him up, at worse, either you or he will be killed, because again, he’s going to be a ticking timebomb if he faces serious jail time for the assault.

As to charges against this guy, some states still require the victim to press charges, while others will prosecute on behalf of the state, using her only for testimony. Either way, the turd should not be given fair treatment. It’s nothing personal, he broke her scull, and has a history of violent behavior with her. She needs to be strong, and ensure that she does her part to prosecute this guy…again, nothing personal, it’s just got to be done. Besides, it is personal.

[jitBob]

Loks like a lose/lose situation to me. You really don't want to be any part of a Texas trailer court love triangle. Bad things happen.

[Cleetus]

But I want to be on COPS

[WebHead]

Right now she needs a friend. Be that friend. Be there for her. If you care about her, see that she gets through this. Take care of her.