PUN-ishments

**Guts3d** · September 8th, 2006, 01:11 PM

I like puns as much as the next guy, but this is ridiculous!

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell ont o an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet

**street1** · September 8th, 2006, 01:34 PM

“I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.”

An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.

Some people go into martial arts just for kicks.

a shortage of dwarves.

I'm my own grandpa.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/54702/im_my_own_grandpa/

Anyhow you got me laughing again.

Thanks Guts3d

**slgrieb** · September 8th, 2006, 02:18 PM

Reminds me of the fellow who thought he was a wit, but was only half-right.

**Atodini** · September 8th, 2006, 05:16 PM

This one was e-mailed me yesterday - I haven't seen it before but it made me smile!!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand
pounds on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,
but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

John

**street1** · September 8th, 2006, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by slgrieb

Reminds me of the fellow who thought he was a wit, but was only half-right.

Now you're talking about my president again.Let's not turn this humor
into politics.

**Platypus** · September 8th, 2006, 10:57 PM

Long time since I've had that much pun.

**street1** · September 8th, 2006, 11:12 PM

Originally Posted by Platypus

Long time since I've had that much pun.

And it just keeps getting punnier.

**slgrieb** · September 9th, 2006, 09:23 AM

A legend recorded in The Lavender Book of Westmarch (a compendium of many queer English folk tales) tells the sad story of Griswold, jester to Edward I.
It seems that the unfortunate Griswold was addicted to puns, much to the disgust of the dour Edward.

Despite warnings from the king, Griswold's punning continued until, Edward, in a rage, had the jester bound hand and foot, then carried to the gallows. When the noose had been placed around Griswold's neck. Edward shouted, "Foul knave! Swear to refrain henceforth from punning or hang on the instant!"

"Of course, Majesty!", replied Griswold. "I'll n'er pun again. After all, no noose is good noose!"

**Platypus** · September 9th, 2006, 09:59 PM

Something I wrote a while back:

Thought I'd stype a little tory, but I seem to be having some wrouble with the turds...

Anyway, this is hot wappened;

I was healing fungry, so I decided to go to the Mood Fart and get a shilk make and a chilled grease sandwich.

Unless it's roaring with pain, I don't even cart the star, anyway you can never find a sparking pace, so I pulled on my shocks and sues and stralked off down the wheat.

Past the Columbia Broadcorping Castration, and there was the brawnpoker's shop. There were thange strings in the wornbrokers pindow - models of a Naval Bun Goat and a trickup puck, a picture of a scoop of boy trouts leading the Royal Arse Hortillery in a parade. I had a half warmed fish to buy the candy ham, but only mad enough honey for my meal.

Thithout winking, I bepped stackwards, and was done rown by a bison on a persicle. Sicking mypelf up, I hushed my brat, checked for drain bamage, and thought "Though bliss, I'll hoe gome and shake a tower!"

© 2003 Platypun

**street1** · September 9th, 2006, 10:52 PM

© 2003 Platypun.

Good story.

Mayet hasn't responded to the PUN-ishments but, she May yet?

**slgrieb** · September 10th, 2006, 10:46 AM

Noo, Noo, I don't think she will.

**street1** · September 10th, 2006, 11:28 AM

Originally Posted by slgrieb

Noo, Noo, I don't think she will.

This could get confus-ed. confused.

A nut named Hazel held up a bank saying 'give me all the cashew have'.

While training to work at Coca Cola he was given a pop quiz.

And for Platy---Never put all your begs in one ask-it.