I'm pulling my chuffing hair out here!

I've tried nearly everything now. Even reinstalled SP4 after reading this..

Windows 2000 USB Driver Stack

The Windows 2000 driver stack for USB is different from Windows XP. To support USB 2.0 on Windows 2000, a parallel (new) driver stack is needed. This driver stack will consist of Usbport.sys, Usbhub20.sys and Usbehci.sys. A host controller-specific coinstaller (Hccoin.dll) will also be provided to ensure proper Windows Update installation in the Windows 2000 scenario.

Nada.

Will check out those files a bit later. Will I need just those or those plus others is the question?