jokes 1

[Fierce]

A guy applies for a job, fills out the application, and hands it in. Right away he is called in for an interview. THe boss tells him that he must take a simple aptitude test. The guy says, "Sure, no problem". So the boss continues and asks the man to create a formula for the number 9. The guy requests a piece of paper, starts to draw and scribble, and a couple of minutes later hands the boss the paper with 3 trees drawn on it. The boss looks at the paper and says "What the hell is this!!??" "Well" the man says, "'tree' + 'tree' + 'tree' equals 9" The boss disbelieving what he is seeing and hearing says, "ok, ok, then create a formula for '99'." So the man takes the paper back, starts to erase and scribble some more and hands the paper back to the boss. Irritated again, the boss says "WTF is this???" "Well, 'dirty tree' + 'dirty tree' + 'dirty tree' equals '99'." Really pissed off, the boss says "fine, last test, make a formula for 100." So the man takes the paper back for the third time, draws a crap taken from a dog next to the tree, hands the paper back to the boss, who doesn't say a word. The man proceedes to say "Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd + Dirty tree and a terd equals 100."

[kato]

Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench with a bag of candy bars eating one right after another. After about the 8th candy bar, an old man approaches "Son, those things aren't good for you. If you keep eating like this, you're going to have all kinds of problems later in life"

"Oh yeah" Johnny replies "Well my grandfather lived to be 100 years old."

"By eating 8 candy bars at a sitting," asks the old man

"No. By minding his own damn business"

[Johnny Blaze]

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

[PJPilate]

All from the Lockergnome Newsgroups:

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.


The first woman said: "My husband is a psychologist, and, before we make love, he brings flowers and candles. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed: My husband is a mechanic, and makes love a little rough, but it really tunes my engine. I like that!"

The third woman replied: Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something
that happened fifty years ago."

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

[ephmynus]

Overworked

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[MacGyver]

A client needs some IT work done, so he contacts three guys to come in to give him some quotes.

The first guy is a student, and he says he'll do the job for $300.

The second guy is an IT professional, and he says he'll do the job for $1300. When asked why his price is higher, he says he needs to do a study before any solution is implemented.

The third guy is a consultant, and he says he'll do the job for $2300. By this time, the client is annoyed. "Why is your price even more?"

The consultant replies, "$1000 for me, $1000 for the IT professional to review it, and $300 for the student to do the actual work"

[Gollo]

Weddings...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"