Joke time

**FatalException0E** · October 17th, 2004, 11:43 AM

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender is astounded. He says, "Wow, a talking duck! You should work for the circus or something." The duck looks a little dissappointed and says, "I tried, but they already have an accoutant."

**FatalException0E** · October 17th, 2004, 11:44 AM

Two guys walk in to a bar. The third guy ducked under it.

**pinhead** · October 18th, 2004, 12:10 PM

2 peanuts were walking through the woods...one was assaulted...

**pinhead** · October 18th, 2004, 12:19 PM

Hows abouts some male shovanism

How many men does it take to open a beer?
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None -- it should be open by the time she gets to the couch with it!!!

**RIOT** · October 18th, 2004, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by FatalException0E

Two guys walk in to a bar. The third guy ducked under it.

A termite walks into a saloon and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

**Orangeman** · October 18th, 2004, 07:58 PM

Why do girls scratch their eyes when they wake up in the morning...?

'cause they don't have balls to scratch...

**cookin chef** · October 18th, 2004, 10:35 PM

Originally Posted by Orangeman

Why do girls scratch their eyes when they wake up in the morning...?

'cause they don't have balls to scratch...

Ya_ never _know when one of those women might have an evil eye!!!!

**FatalException0E** · October 18th, 2004, 10:47 PM

A wealthy adventure-seeker is climbing a mountain in the Himalayas. Before leaving, his guide tells him about the mountain. He says, "The most dangerous thing out here is the Yeti. It's a huge beast, built like a gorilla, more than 10 feet tall, and has claws and teeth like a lion. Whatever you do, never touch the Yeti. If you come in contact with the Yeti, it will never give up chasing you. It will chase you to the ends of the earth to catch you." That night, the guy hears a rustling at the entrance to his tent. The zipper slowly opens, and the man is terrified of what he sees.
There in the moonlight, he sees the face of the Yeti peeking into his tent. The Yeti slowly begins coming in, and the man darts out of the tent, past the Yeti. In his terror, he accidently touches the beast. He runs down the mountain to the base camp, jumps in a helicopter and flies to the nearest town, where he steals a small airplane and flies to the city.
At the airport, he stops at the first ticket counter and hurredly buys a ticket on the next plane leaving. It's heading to Monaco. Since he got so far away so quickly, the man figures he can relax a little.

He's sitting at a sidewalk cafe, enjoying a drink when he sees the Yeti running down the street towards him. He immediately runs into the street, steals a bicycle and rides to the train station. He boards the bullet train to Paris. In Paris, he gets on a plane heading to London. He rents a car in London and drives out of town as fast as he can. In his hurry, he forgot to put gas in the car, and it sputters to a stop at the side of the road. In the distance he can see the Yeti running after him, so he gives a boy rather a lot of money for his bicycle. He rides the bike as far and as fast as he can, eventually collapsing when he reaches a beach. He turns and see the Yeti, still following him, running down the beach.

The man is exhausted. He gives up. He stands to face the terror approaching him. The Yeti runs up and pushes the man back several feet. He's lying on the sand, staring up at the snarling Yeti hovering over him.
The Yeti is roaring, drooling and bearing its claws toward the man. Just as the man is sure his last moment is upon him, the Yeti yells, "Tag, you're it!" and runs off into the distance.

**PreciousAngelJS25** · October 18th, 2004, 11:57 PM

LoL!!

A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel attached to his fly. Everyone is looking at him, but is afraid to ask any questions, so they just return to what they were doing. One brave fellow, however, says, "you know you have a steering wheel attached to your fly right?" and the pirate responds, "Urg, yeah, and it's driving me nuts!!"

**Orangeman** · October 19th, 2004, 01:23 AM

Originally Posted by PreciousAngelJS25

LoL!!

A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel attached to his fly. Everyone is looking at him, but is afraid to ask any questions, so they just return to what they were doing. One brave fellow, however, says, "you know you have a steering wheel attached to your fly right?" and the pirate responds, "Urg, yeah, and it's driving me nuts!!"

That's funny!

**firemonkey** · October 19th, 2004, 08:17 AM

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?........
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roman catholic

**Diver01** · October 19th, 2004, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by pinhead

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None,
it should be open by the time she gets to the couch with it!!!

YEAH!! And get back in teh kitchen and make me some Pie!!!!

**FatalException0E** · October 19th, 2004, 10:13 AM

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

**FatalException0E** · October 19th, 2004, 05:57 PM

From a "book" I've been reading...entirely online.

She looked down at the table, then said in a low, conspiratorial whisper, "have you ever heard of spontaneous combustion?"

"Yeah."

"I have a friend, Dana, who was in the grocery store one day, and her arm, like, bursts into flame. Just like that. Just her arm. And she's screaming and waving her arm around and around, flames shooting everywhere. Finally the cops showed up and arrested her."

"Arrested her? Why did-"

"-Possession of an unlicensed firearm."

**Orangeman** · October 19th, 2004, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by FatalException0E

From a "book" I've been reading...entirely online.

She looked down at the table, then said in a low, conspiratorial whisper, "have you ever heard of spontaneous combustion?"

"Yeah."

"I have a friend, Dana, who was in the grocery store one day, and her arm, like, bursts into flame. Just like that. Just her arm. And she's screaming and waving her arm around and around, flames shooting everywhere. Finally the cops showed up and arrested her."

"Arrested her? Why did-"

"-Possession of an unlicensed firearm."

OUUUUUUUUCH