Funny one liners

I know that in techincal support we have alot of days where we just want to rip the heads off the customer or end user. Some times...actually alot have you ever had a customer/enduser say something so dumb that you either laughed or just got a blank stare on your face?

A couple of mine are as follows:
1) The screws look tight to me
2) I am running windows 97
3) The CD wont fit in the A: drive
4) Will it be cheaper without the CPU thingy
5) Defragging is for P*$$ys
6) I bet I am smarter than you

and the one thing I have always wanted an customer/end user to say "Your right, I am so sorry. Here is your going rate and the all the hours you put into my computer so far. Take your time and please make sure that everything is fix. In fact let me also buy you lunch and I will leave you totally alone to work. Thank you again for bringing you expertise to work on my system" *sigh* one day maybe

"How do you make capital letters?"

In reference to running out of hard drive space: "So, I need to buy that?" (points to a server tower case)

"What background colours do your monitors come with?"

In reference to a used motherboard with no drivers or manual: "Can you talk me through installing this?"

"The next time I buy a computer, I'm just gonna buy one that always works and never freezes up." (Leaves store in anger, heading for the Future Shop.)

Oh yeah, I've seen my share.

I usually don't keep track of the stupid sayings the (l)users have. Funny thing is the ones I respect as having some intelligence even slip up and say something stupid. These are not so famous one liners

-Would you install AOL for me?
-My mouse didn't come with a pointing device
-The screensaver won't work until I have not done anything for 30 minutes
-How come when I convert readersu.doc to readersu.xls it won't work in excel? (he just renamed from readersu.doc to readersu.xls)

NakedMessiah, had to point this out, your custom status makes you sound like you admire the state of Utah! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

I have a one liner that I use to answer any questions:
" Format , Reinstall , Sixty bicks!!!"

I had to get a new mouse pad because the old one said Macintosh and wasn't compatible.

I shoulda' bought a Packard Bell

Will more RAM give my modem higher GigaHertz?
(WTF???)

I think my computer has been given drugs. It has this psychadelic maze that keeps coming up. (5 shot minimum <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0"> )

They all have their days. Look at www.happyhacker.org in the humor section for an accurate assesment of users.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Wayward Clam:
<STRONG>NakedMessiah, had to point this out, your custom status makes you sound like you admire the state of Utah! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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ya, why not. I am addicted to Utah.

How about "I saved my Word document in the smallest font I could, but it still won't fit on a floppy".

"Defrag did't help my computer to run any faster, it still says PentiumII400mhz when I boot."

Got another one I should add that happened yesterday: "I don't need to trouble shoot, your the tech! Just do your fix it thing and leave me the F^$& alone!"

My boss (the network adin - and he knows what he is doing!) - when discussing nework bandwidth, measures throughput in mips! i.e. That is a 100 mips switch.

Here is a not-so-funny one: Dontcha hate it when a (l)user says "these computers are stupid", or some other put down of our chosen profession while ASKING FOR HELP??!?!?! <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

"I got an error message."

"Well, what was the message?"

"Ummm. I don't know."

"Well, what program were you using?"

"Ummm. Windows."

<IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

ARRGH! Touche, Mr PackRat.
I hate that one.

But I gotta say it's even worse when:
----

them = "I tried to [whatever], but it just
kept on giving me error messages, over and
over, like, 50 times."

me = "OK, what were the messages?"

them = "I don't know."

me = "Did you notice if they were different
messages or the same one repeatedly?"

them = "I don't know. Is that important?"

----

And even better, I've had some demand a diagnosis at this point.... grrrrrr..


== Wisdom is easy. ==
== Just think of something ==
== spectacularly stupid to say, ==
== and then *don't* say it. ==

Amen, Captain!

Those users are just like the ones that call tech support:

Them: "yeah, how do you *insert subject here*?"

Me: "Well, you just click...."

Them: "But that isn't how I did it before! Have you been doing this for very long?"

Me: GRRR... <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

Got another one:
Customer: "I am running windows NT 99 with no service pack and if you ask me again I am hanging up"
Me: Ok sir what OS *Click* <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">