Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker
Some of you may have already seen this, for those that haven't, enjoy
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I
feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the
workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
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"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading."
~ Henny Youngman
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I
think not."
~ Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk
and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was
explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how
it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of
buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
I Got Stoned And I Missed It
I was sitting in my basement.
I just rolled myself a taste
Of something green and gold and glorious
To get me through the day.
Then my friend yelled through the transom
"Grab your coat and get your hat son,
There's a nut down on the corner,
Givin' dollar bills away"
But I laid around a bit
Then I had another hit.
Then I rolled myself a bomber.
Then I thought about my mama.
Then I fooled around, played around
jacked around a while and then
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.
It took seven months of urgin'
Just to get that local virgin
With the sweet face
Up to my place
To fool around a bit.
Next day she woke up rosy,
And she snuggled up so cozy.
When she asked me how I liked it,
Lord it hurts me to admit,
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.
I'm makin' no excuses
For the many things I uses
Just to sweeten up my relationships
And brighten up my day.
When my earthly race is over
And I'm ready for the clover
And they ask me how my life has been
I guess I'll have to say,
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and it rolled right by.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned and I missed it.
I got stoned... oh me... oh my.
Words & Music by
Shel Silverstein and George Cummings
Note: These guys are/were Dr. Hook.
