Jokes !!!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

He's feeling no pain :drink:

I've got to tell my nephew that one!

Same Class next day:

The teacher told the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Lucy said, "Yesterday we saw a new colt walk for the first time and it was fascinating."

The teacher replied "That's close but I wanted you to use fascinate."

Next Kathy said "I saw a new tv program about snakes and was fascinated."

Again the teacher replied "That's close but I wanted you to use fascinate."

Finally it was little Johnny's turn.

He stood up and said "Yesterday my sister bought a new sweater with ten buttons on it, but her ti++ies are so big she could only fasten eight."

Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question
from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!

Disclaimer: This is a joke.

A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after
the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm
going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not
having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,
"Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang
on to while I pull your tooth.

7 degrees of blonde

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the te! lephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some ! woman wanting to know 'if the coast is
clear.'"

2nd Degree:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the side walk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person l ooks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Degree:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Degree:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.

"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was
stomped on by an elephant!

Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world ! did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road, when from out of nowhere this tr! ee popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved! to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car.

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air-freshen! er swinging back and forth."


7th Degree:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on ! a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?





"Where's my tractor?"

I recall the large amount of Little Johnny jokes that circulated around the web a few years ago http://www.thejokeyard.com/little_johnny_jokes/

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Spork

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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:thumbs2: :thumbs2: :thumbs2:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Spork

THE WEDDING TEST

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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A friend of mine wasn't getting married but basically the same thing actually happened to him with his last girlfriend

Nice one!