The best BS answer you ever gave a customer

You know what I'm talking about. It's 5:30 and you're just wrapping things up after a long day rebuilding an Oracle database, and the know-nothing onsite asks the all important question: "So what was wrong?"

Well, you could give him the detailed explanation of corrupt data and how the empty records had to be reclaimed, or try your best to put the long-winded into a short english-sounding description. But you are just too dang tired for all that, so you tell him something that sounds technical, so he'll nod and go "M-hm" and just walk away.

No harm, no foul. It's not that you're covering something up, you're just being lazy (-;

Mine, I have to say I stole from a Monty Python sketch. I told him, "One of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle." He nodded, went "M-hm" and walked away. I fully expected him to at least ASK what the hell I just said! LOL Maybe he was tired and wanted to go home, too. But I'd love to see him explaining that one to HIS boss (-;

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R. Bret Walker, CNE

Wondering what videos to rent this weekend? Check out The People's Reviews, movie reviews written for the people and by the people.

Hmm...I'm facing kinda similar situation right now.
Customer came in and said sound wasn't working, tried speakers on stereo, and they work fine.
I asked customer if she checked the volume settings down by the time.
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, I checked and everything was fine. The volume was up all the way, it wasn't muted, or anything."
"Well, double check those again, and if it still doesn't work, bring 'er in, and we may need to reinstall drivers."

Customer brings in system. I power 'er up. Oh, look! The volume is muted!

So, is this a case of "Demutifying the system"? https://forums.windrivers.com/

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***the Beast
- Fate drove me here...then told me to get out of the car...

Quote:

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Originally posted by pcshark:
You know what I'm talking about. It's 5:30 and you're just wrapping things up after a long day rebuilding an Oracle database, and the know-nothing onsite asks the all important question: "So what was wrong?"

Well, you could give him the detailed explanation of corrupt data and how the empty records had to be reclaimed, or try your best to put the long-winded into a short english-sounding description. But you are just too dang tired for all that, so you tell him something that sounds technical, so he'll nod and go "M-hm" and just walk away.

No harm, no foul. It's not that you're covering something up, you're just being lazy (-;

Mine, I have to say I stole from a Monty Python sketch. I told him, "One of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle." He nodded, went "M-hm" and walked away. I fully expected him to at least ASK what the hell I just said! LOL Maybe he was tired and wanted to go home, too. But I'd love to see him explaining that one to HIS boss (-;

---

this is the funniest thing i've heard in weeks.

" I belive very strongly that it was an I.D. Ten T. error"

when you write it on paper - id10t

also a fav is the "B.C.K." error - Between the Chair and the Keyboard

I double as Computer Service Technician and an Internet Service Provider Technician. We get all kinds of calls concerning people who can't get online. As always we try to talk them through it over the phone. We go through the usual. 1.Username/Password 2.Dial up Number 3.Protocals 4.POP Server etc. The #1 problem with logging in is "Invalid Username/Password" and the two main things we ask them is if they even know how to spell their own username and password, then we make sure lowercase no spaces. Sure enough after spending an hour on the phone it still is not connecting so we have them bring it in for a quick setup. The real funny part is even though I log on using their u/p, they always insist that it is the service. Anyway they bring it into the store and guess who gets to be the lucky one to find out they are idiots....ME. Normally it is a case of the caps lock on the username. Once they come in and pick it up there is the Ultimate Question! "What was wrong with it"! Thinking to myself "your a total idiot and don't know how to follow childish instructions that your own little 3 year old there in his toddler seat could follow"....but I couldn't do that. So I usually tell them instead of tracking down the problem I usually just redo the entire thing so I have no clue but it is working perfectly now. Thank you... bye bye

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Um...I really don't need any help........ I was just testing you.....um Good Job.

I personally like the "its one of windows operating file that got corrupted " & if they dare ask which one, the easy answer is:" abcdefg.xyz You know its windows (not the perfect o/s"

Lady brings in a system and tells me that it has "BUGS" and wants me to get rid virus or bugs. At sixty dollars an hour for labor, that's ok with me. No,sign of a virus. Open case and knock over chairs,other systems geting out of the way. I have never seen so many roaches in my life. Had to call the Orcon man to get rid of the "BUGS!" took 3 months. Told her that system need a bug shot ever month for 3 months.. and she believe it.
and gave me a $30 dollar tip. Don't know wher all those roaches came from. But hope to heaven, never to run into another system like the one

I tend to go with the Sci-Fi bend myself with hints of Star Trek. "I believe the flux capacitor needs adjusting", or, The Heisenberg Compensator needs tweeking". I grab any futuristic sci-fi term I can think of when facing the tough questions.

I work at an ISP help desk and I actuall told a customer that there is a u.i.s.t.r.c.c.p. error on wour computer and you need to send it in for maintainance.
they said ok thank you..

User Is Smoking The Rainbow Colored Crack Pipe. -this came from an old microsoft support manual from back in their old days.

[This message has been edited by ironwill99 (edited November 14, 2000).]

I HAD this customer (I stress the had) that would come in and say that they could not get their MSN Internet service to work. I asked what error it gave him, "Invalid Username and/or Password". So, I asked him what his password and username was, quote, "I don't know, they never gave it to me". I was so close to laughing in his face, but I regained my composure and said that I'm sure that they did, but maybe it got lost or something. He said that they did not give him one and that I had to fix it or he was going to return the computer and sue me and my company for a whole lot of money. Uh-Huh. that's what I was thinking. So, anyways, I said that if he did want to return it, I would have to see his reciept. He dug it out of his wallet (folded into a postage stamp of course) I got his U/N and Pass off of the reciept and got it to work. He asked what was wrong and I told him that the ASP page that validated his logon script was recieveing the completely wrong parameters and that I had to COMPLETELY reprogram that page and then upload it to the server. He thanked me and asked for his computer back and I told him that he owed me $60 for an hour's worth of labor. He got all pissed and then I said, "I have your reciept here in my hand. There are two choices, return the whole computer or pay the money that you owe me for services rendered in the amount of 60 dollars or I will call the police and have you arrested."
He paid the money and left, saying he will never be back and he was going to sue us, blah, blah, blah.

The best part about the whole story is he probably took his computer to another tech after that and complianed about me and how "incompentant" and "rude" I was and told him the story all over again.

I hope that guy had a good laugh like I did.



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A ship in a harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are built for...

ive made up a virus name so i didnt have to "fix" thier mistakes that would take a year to fix and do a complete clean install

If it's user error "broken diafram spring"

BS? What, doesn't the Cache-flush Pipeline ALWAYS get glogged on you guys? The funny thing is, when the customers ask if they should use Liquid Plumber or Draino to clean it. https://forums.windrivers.com/

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Clatu...Verata...nnnn...necktie...nectur...nickel. ...it's definately an "N" word...

I work in an office providing internal support; and I can tell you; some of these people really need it. We had this one user come in asking what was wrong with her excel spreadsheet. This was one that i created for her awhile back so it used a lookup to insert three fields of data. The FIRST thing I asked was wether the caps-lock was on or off (all of the character elements are upper case). She said it was on; but still not working; so I got her to send me the file via e-mail. Low and behold once I recieved it somehow all the characters were in lower-case https://forums.windrivers.com/ . After correcting this I E-mailed it back; and she calls again two minutes later. After five minutes of trying to explain that her caps-lock was indeed off; I finally chalked it up to her "Dilithium Crystals destabilizing her Positronic Matrix of her computer's Sub-Neural pathways."

She bought every word :-)

i am an honest tech... only so i can see the look on their face when i talk techno babble at a hundred words a second... https://forums.windrivers.com/
I like to proclaim UPIA errors occasionally... U Pain In the ***!


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No girl deserves my tears, and the one who does will never make me cry.

"Oh, no problem sir. That's an I, D, 10, T problem. We'll take care of it."

ID10T

;-)

User Is Smoking The Rainbow Colored Crack Pipe. -this came from an old microsoft support manual from back in their old days.
https://forums.windrivers.com/
Classic....! I fell off my big black chair!
Keep it real man

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No girl deserves my tears, and the one who does will never make me cry.

Well, I can't take claim for this one, but I was told about it at a job I had once.

The guy was a salesperson at a retail store about 7 years ago. Back then, nobody knew anything about them thar puters.

To sell the extended warranty, he would tell them that the hard drive spins at 5400 rpm. After about 6 months of use, the data on the drive would work it's way to the edges of the drive through centrifugal force. Eventually all the data would just spin off the drive and onto the case. He said the warranty would pay to put the data back on. I guess he sold lot's of warranties that way.

As for me, when my boss comes in and starts asking me questions, I actually explain what I'm doing. He stops me after about a minute, says "keep up the good work", and walks away! I get a big kick out of it!
https://forums.windrivers.com/

All in fun of course our help desk as a couple of hard drive platters hanging from their cubicles and when an idiot calls in they hit it with their pen (anybody remember the GONG show.)

Another one of my favorite fixes for computers is the shut your pc off for 30 mins. and turn it back on and try what you were doing before you turned it off. Miraculously, everything seems to work fine.

Jeremy ([email protected])

Quote:
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EPOR...EPOR...EPOR

OK, this is a conversation I just had with a user.
U - How can I turn of my printer port at home?
M - Um, uninstall it in the control panel add remove hardware.
U - how easy is it for a hacker to get into my computer through my printer port.
M - Umm, What?
U - I was watching TV yesterday and they had this web security consultant on talking about internet security and they said that hackers could get in through my printer port and that I either had to shut down that port or get a firewall.
M - Most computer security isn't compromised via your printer.
U - well they said most hackers go through printer port 80.
M - that would be port 80, the HTTP port.
U - well how can I turn off that port?
M - YOU can't.
U - well then I need a firewall, where can I get one.
M - Um, I think you are wasting your time and money, firewalls are hard to operate and unnecessary for home use.
U - well than how do I keep hackers from getting into my system like they did Microsoft?
M - Umm, your not Microsoft. If they wanted your computer they would kick in your back door and take it.
U - so they can still get in trough my printer port then?
M - yes, but HP's usually prevent that. If you disconnect from the internet after you load the web page that will also prevent them from getting in.
U - Oh, I didn't know that, thank you.

Um I didn't know that either. When did my printer operate on port 80? What government is she working for? Who is on TV talking about HTTP ports and causing me grief? Why do dumb asses think they can run a firewall? And finally, anyone got an Advil?

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How do you set a laser printer to stun?

Here at hell inc https://forums.windrivers.com/... We have a more than sufficent lack of training for the users, so we get some really, and i mean really stupid questions. ie "a lady taking 30 minutes over the phone to eject a floppy from her pc" (yes im quitting but its true). But anyway, with the quantity of user errors we get, we usually feed tech bs followed by a true description. Ie windows blah blah whatever to make it sound good and then

It was bassically a 404 error, 404 being the web page not found error which we take as user is cluless

or it was a lack of rotfm regarding the system - reading of the F(*&ing manual

or it seems that it was all because a P.E.B.C.A.K - problem existed between chair and keyboard

or otherwise, it seems that there was a C.U.E - carbon unit error.

Im sure weve used others, but i have a meeting to attend. btw, for whomever posted it, we have already implemented the ringing of the platters upon dumbass questions so we all know to listen to the ensuing bs, thank you

When I worked for a shop as a lowly tech(he he) we had three things that the management wanted us to write on work orders that involved the stupidity of the user.

1) UI Virus - otherwise known as User Incompitance.

2) Short circuit - between the keyboard and the chair

3) Pokey Virus - (this was before pokemon hit big) User had been poking around where he/she should not have been.

While these were fine for most cases, we would joke about a variety of things in the shop, like the woman who brought in her computer for a tuneup. We found that one of her serial ports was bad, and replaced it, charging her $5 for it, plus the $55 an hour labor. She paid the labor without batting an eye, and then had a complete hissy-fit over the cost of the port. When the tech room, which was in another part of the building from customer pickup, heard this, it took about an hour for people to stop laughing.

Then there was the guy who had a porn website as his home page. It would pop open a window that could not be closed, so we reset it to a church's home page and told the user he had been hit by the "Godly Intervention" virus.

Then there was the user that had lost his power supply fan, and had hooked up his wife's hair dryer to the back with duct tape and tried to convince us that the components had to be kept warm, otherwise they would "freeze-up." We even had the manager try to explain it to him, to no avail.

And, finally, this one happened to me after I had gone independant.

Customer(on phone):It just won't turn on.
Tech(me): Okay, did you check all of the cables to see if they are all pluged in?
C(this should have sent up a red flag, but didn't): Yeah, and all of the cables *I can see* are plugged in fine.
T: Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes.
C(on location): The monitor just sits there and says "Check Signal" and no lights come on the computer.
T(I open the small door on the desk which hides the computer. Sure enough, no lights, no power. The guy had wedged the computer as far foreward as it could go, so I pulled it out and looked behind. Sure enough all of the cables were plugged in, except for a small black plug, caught on the "cable hole" at the back of the desk, the power cable. I plugged it back in, and, sure enough, lights, sound, and operation!):Ah, I see, the computer's proximity sensor was stuck because of the desk. Here, I'll move in under the desk instead of inside it....

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-- "Dilithium Crystals destabilizing her Positronic Matrix of her computer's Sub-Neural pathways."

-- "ASP page that validated his logon script was recieveing the completely wrong parameters and that I had to COMPLETELY reprogram that page and then upload it to the server. "

-- Heating components so the won't "freeze-up"

These had me falling out of my chair!

It's your muffler bearings on the primary du-flunker connected to the CPU main station.

cant think of a good b/s that I`ve given, but I did have a customer write a letter to me explaining that "the 10gb dick you inserted in April hasn`t worked!!", I have the letter pinned up, and it always makes me howl.

cheerz ears
G

cant think of a good b/s that I`ve given, but I did have a customer write a letter to me explaining that "the 10gb dick you inserted in April hasn`t worked!!", I have the letter pinned up, and it always makes me howl.

cheerz ears
G

This is an easy one.
Customer: "So what was the problem" (sounding demanding, as if it was my fault in the first place.
Me: "Well sir, after extensive testing, I found problems in your Windows Registry Repository Database. That is a huge file that contains every bit of information on your computer.There were several pointers that link keys to data values that were corrupted."
Customer: "How does that happen!!!" (loudly).
This is where it gets fun, because we all know that almost every customer does what I am about to say.
Me: "Well, sir, the cause of the problem 99% of the time is when Windows is not shut down properly. Many people tend to just turn off the computer without going through the proper shutdown sequence. This can really blow the pointers out of sync. Sometimes we have completely reinstall the operating system. Fortunately, we did not have to do that this time. May I show you the Windows shut down sequence or do you already run that properly?".

The customer simply takes the machine and walks away because he knows he's guilty of not shutting down Windows properly (even though it had nothing to do with the problem. Works every %$%%!^##$?& time!

Bruce Tyler

"Throw out the election. Let Clinton run it for another 4 years!"

How's this for an anagram? (hope you know what an anagram is)

"President Clinton of the USA". Move the letters around and it becomes, "To copulate, he finds interns".

Who ever thought that up has either too much time on their hands and/or is a Master at Scrabble.

Oh, come on guys! It's so simple, maybe you need a refresher course. It's all ball-bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that flexervalve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads. And I'm going to need about 10 quarts of anti-freeze. Preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State

I used to do tech support behind a desk to the tune of 1500 calls per year plus travel.
After a while we had a long list of stuff to say to people to let then know what we thought about them without hurting their feelings.
I saw one already but ill add it anyway

ID10T - IDIOT
I/O - Incompatent Operator
PLICK - Problem lies inbetween chair n Keyboard
10/32 - user had a 10bit brain and a 32 bit processor


Add MORe!!

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Tech - Didn't work hun?
Tech - Press the SLAP key
Cust - Ouch that hurt!
Tech - Um press it harder

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Drinkumfirewater:
cant think of a good b/s that I`ve given, but I did have a customer write a letter to me explaining that "the 10gb dick you inserted in April hasn`t worked!!", I have the letter pinned up, and it always makes me howl.

cheerz ears
G

---

That must be one he**uva floppy :-) Reminds me of the guy that wanted the 1.44 foot floppy drive installed. Gave me a chuckle for weeks https://forums.windrivers.com/

I actually had someone call about the any key once https://forums.windrivers.com/ and I told him that they must have sent him the wrong keyboard and to use a label maker to write the word ANY and place it on the long bar (space bar) on the bottom of his keyboard rather that replacing the keyboard because that is a $5.00 option. We all got a kick out of that one.

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Sometimes I fill my tub up with milk and blow bubbles

This topic offends me, and I think it's the reason we get no respect.

NEVER be afraid to say "I don't know."

Always offer to find someone who DOES know though.

This is what really pisses me off. Let's face it, if we walk off the job, EVERYONE is screwed. Not too many professions can say THAT. The main reason we techies don't get paid what we SHOULD get paid is the same reason we don't get the RESPECT we deserve:

There are way too many idiots out there that swapped out a few videocards and call themselves techs. These are the same people who give B.S. answers. These are the same people that give us a bad name. And lower our pay. And lose our respect. It just KILLS me. I strongly think that if you want to be in the tech business you must 1) Have a highly logical mind for troubleshooting, 2) Learn very quickly and have a good memory, and 3) learn when to say "I don't know. Let me ask ______."

Sorry if I offended anyone, but i'm sick of making a piss-poor 70k/year.

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00111111.11001000.10001110.10011010
11111111.11111111.11111111.11111000
__________________________________
That's me! > https://forums.windrivers.com/

[This message has been edited by techleet (edited November 14, 2000).]

This actually just happened last week while I was on the phone with a customer. Just one of many funnies i've had here...
I ask the customer for his name and he replies "Last name Hyde", to which i reply, "Alright sir, do you have a first name i can call you by?"..."No, that's why i gave you my last name, i prefer to be called Mr. Hyde.", and i swear, he was serious as hell! At this point i had to press mute and get a few of my idle buddies over to plug in. "ok mr. hyde, and what are we gonna be workin on today?", "my home network...my tech set up internet connection sharing on my network, which was working fine yesterday, and now only the host connects."..."hmmm...alright, and have you made any changes to the system since yesterday?"..."well, i enabled dns after reading up on it, because it seems like a really powerful tool." *mute, and we all snicker for a few seconds...then one of my buds gives me a good solution* "alright sir, let's just check one thing before we go any further...let's look at the back of your computer, and search for a small power cable coming from right around the phone line going into your modem."..."ok...don't think i see one."..."i didn't think so..." *another mute and more laughs...people are gathering at this point* "alright sir, we have two options here. MS doesn't support dns enabled internet connection sharing unless the host machine's modem is powered. like you mentioned, it is a fairly powerful tool, that dns, and requires more voltage to operate. when you have 3 machines running thru that one modem, you're gonna need to beef up the power on your connection. either we're gonna have to get a powered modem for the host, or disable dns unfortunately. i could suggest you talk to your tech about upgrading your modem there...i'm sure he'll know the best one for your machine." *i have to mute again because about 10 people around me are pissing their pants laughing* "oh...i think i read about that on that dns page. something about a dns server modem?" *i'm scared that my team lead is gonna investigate if we get any louder at this point...the buddies that were plugged into my phone tear their headsets off and double up in tears* "yeah, you might want to check that out some more."..."ok, well, thanx for your help..." *yadda yadda...i finish up the call, release and have the most refreshing laugh i've ever had...then changed the first name in his case from "Mr." to "Jeckyl"*

when opportunity strikes, take advantage of the situation...it's what keeps us sane. https://forums.windrivers.com/
-kornesque


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I just don't understand stop signs...aren't vehicles made to, well...GO???

Techleet: Please READ the article before you post a flame. You'll save yourself lots of embarassment if you do. If you go back, you will notice that the topic is not about techs who do not know the answer, it is about those annoying customers that only ask you what was wrong in order to make themselves look knowledgable, when in fact, they haven't the slightest clue what the tech is talking about, hence the BS answers slipping by. Normally these are your typical pain in the a** customers that you just want to leave and leave you to your work. So, if you want to continue to post here and be respected, please READ the posts. (see related post under RTFM) Most of the people who have poste to this topic have posted here many times before, and their opinions are respected by most of the people here.

Thank you for the oppurtunity to flame. https://forums.windrivers.com/

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What's this button d--

i noticed someone just had to rip mine off - lame...

what i love is when a whole department is down and someone wants me to stop what i am doing and help them print a document
- i tell them - ok - but i will have to tell the accounting department why they cant post thier quarterly, and when they ask why it wasnt fixed - i will let them know that you needed me to fix your printing issue because you felt it was more important.

I am here to help, but you have to wait your turn, please take a number and shutup. and just because you are next in line doesnt mean that you are next to have service - there are such things as higher priority.

thank you and have a nice day.

Kannibul

[This message has been edited by kannibul (edited November 14, 2000).]

One we use between techs but let customers hear, "It was an I/O error". Which means idiot operator.

You know, someone once posted that they told a user that all magic smoke came out, so now their pc, monitor, printer won't work. I loved that one and use it all the time now. Makes most of the users laugh and forget about the whole problem.

I learned the finer points of tech support from my father, who used to work on the UYK-series computers used in US Navy ships in the 70s (or do they still use them?).

Apparently, there was a dummy toggle switch on the front panel that was put there "for future use" and never ended up being connected. Any time my father would encounter a PEBKAC error, he'd tell the user that their problem was that this switch was in the wrong position.

Even years later, he still would see users carefully making sure that that switch was in its "proper" position!

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The opinions expressed herein are my own and not those of my employer.

I Frequently Assure My Customers That I Would Be More Than Happy To Emerg From My Cave To Cleanse Their System(s) of Evil Spirits

I'm so blown away! I honestly thought that either (a) no one would post on this, or (b) I'd get flamed so bad my head would spin! LOL. Techleet, thanks for your post, you are correct about saying "I don't know." I have been in the biz professionally since '88 and I still say that at least once a day. It keeps me humble.

The Any key. My two favorite responses to "Which key is the ANY key?":

1. It's a typo. They meant "Enter"
2. Hold down the "N" key, then strike the "E" key, and release the "N" key. (N-E key!)

Later! You folks RULE! You too, Techleet!

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R. Bret Walker, CNE

Wondering what videos to rent this weekend? Check out The People's Reviews, movie reviews written for the people and by the people.