My life could change dramatically in the next few months...

Without going into too much detail, my partner and I may be getting custody of my 13 year old nephew in the months to come.

He's in foster care right now and we're the most reasonable location for him to live at. We have a house, live right beside a grade school and high school. I have to admit, though, I'm a little nervous. He's already set in his ways, and I have to treat him with kid gloves (his father messed with his mind - big time).

Any suggestions from parents of teenagers out there?

We're pretty much all set already. Our basement is half finished, with a bedroom we'll fix for him. There's lots for him to do - air hockey, PS2, stand alone PC with tons of games (no net on that one...only on the 2 upstairs), TV & VCR.

Yes, be yourself, do not try to replace his parents. Other than that, wing it :D

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Originally Posted by Sunshine

Without going into too much detail, my partner and I may be getting custody of my 13 year old nephew in the months to come.

He's in foster care right now and we're the most reasonable location for him to live at. We have a house, live right beside a grade school and high school. I have to admit, though, I'm a little nervous. He's already set in his ways, and I have to treat him with kid gloves (his father messed with his mind - big time).

Any suggestions from parents of teenagers out there?

We're pretty much all set already. Our basement is half finished, with a bedroom we'll fix for him. There's lots for him to do - air hockey, PS2, stand alone PC with tons of games (no net on that one...only on the 2 upstairs), TV & VCR.

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Just a bit of advice..expect everything and don't over-react to anything
:) It'll be an interesting and rewarding experience

If you found out this information on Friday the 13th then be afraid, be very afraid. Is his name Damien? :p

Hope it works out, what you give you'll get back.

I think he'd really enjoy staying with us, because we like to do things outdoors, where his Dad would prefer to hang out on the couch.

We'd go camping & fishing, take road trips, take him to the lake, do ice-fishing in the winter. I'm really looking forward to it, but I know he has some problems to deal with. He's not quite up to the same "learning level" as the average 13 year old. He's more like a 9-10 year old, but most of that's from being over-protected. I want him to learn how to be alone in the house, learn to make small meals, etc., and not be afraid of making a mistake. Sh!t happens...right?

Well, I don't know about your situation, but I have to think that some of the advice here should be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, kid gloves are important, especially in the beginning as you feel things out…and not overreacting is important too, however you will need to structure in some guidelines and rules, and be sure he adheres to them with consequences. That also means that when he does good, rewards are very important. Yes, you won’t replace his parents, but you will be his new parents now. Without some structure and discipline, you will be nothing more than a friend…which consequently is probably exactly what he needs right now…see the double edged sword…?

You will be sorry when he turns 16 and you don’t have any control over him. Teach him respect early on, show him some in return, and you will go a long way with this.

Good luck!!!

I was thinking of giving him money to do chores around the house, so he has his own money, but I'm not sure of the going rate.

Anybody know what shovelling, raking, weeding, sweeping, etc., go for?

I'd like a weekly figure if you can.

Wow, if he's in foster care there must be some issues!!! Hopefully he'll realize how lucky he is to have someone that cares enough to take him in and not leave him in that type of enviornment, I'm not saying thats ALWAYS bad...but from alot of the stories and such about foster care, sounds like he's very lucky!

I don't have teenagers, but wish you the best of luck! Sounds like he's a lucky kid to have you!!

Yes in any home ther are rules, rewards and consequences. They will never say it, but all children need structure. "Parents the anti-drug" That being said fredom and privacy are very important also.

Wish they came with an instruction book.

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Originally Posted by Coaster Creator

Wow, if he's in foster care there must be some issues!!! Hopefully he'll realize how lucky he is to have someone that cares enough to take him in and not leave him in that type of enviornment, I'm not saying thats ALWAYS bad...but from alot of the stories and such about foster care, sounds like he's very lucky!

I don't have teenagers, but wish you the best of luck! Sounds like he's a lucky kid to have you!!

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Yeah, like I said, his Dad messed his mind up big time. I don't think I can be angrier at him than I already am, but I've only ever told my parents and my partner. I'll never let my nephew know how pissed I am at his Dad. There were some serious issues that made CFS pull him out of his home, and I tried to stay out of it all. I didn't mind that the system put him in foster care, at least temporarily, but if they want to leave him there, and don't want to put him with my parents (where the boy really wants to go), then I'll be damned if I'm going to turn my back.

I'm the lucky one to have him in my life. I can't imagine not having him around...he's smart and good looking to boot. He's going to be a real lady killer when he grows up!

Thanks for the wishes!

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Originally Posted by Sunshine

I was thinking of giving him money to do chores around the house, so he has his own money, but I'm not sure of the going rate.

Anybody know what shovelling, raking, weeding, sweeping, etc., go for?

I'd like a weekly figure if you can.

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You have got to be kidding...How much would you pay to not have to do it!

Any money to the kid is a going rate right now. $5 to rake the front, $15 to rake and mow the whole yard. If he gives you any static, tell him tough!

$2 to do the dishes, $1 for each load of laundry...see how I am making this up as I go!

One thing that is important to realize, money in the hands of youth does help make decisions for him. Realize that, if he has been in the system already, some derelict characteristics may already be a part of his life. Drugs cost a lot of money, but at the rates I just suggested, a week worth of work could score a good amount of pot. So you need to grasp an understanding of the whole situation here. If he is going to be facing these decisions at school, after school, maybe giving him lots of money isn’t a good idea, as much as gratitude, and appreciation is a better idea right now. You can show that without giving him money. Take him to a ball game, or the arcade…but supervise him as much as you can, even from a distance. Fact is you don’t know him well enough to know, or perceive any of his secrets. The key to all of this is providing the illusion that you actually trust him, and that he has earned your respect. That way when you feel convinced he is a good kid, you can look away more confidently, and he will never really know that you were keeping an eye on him in this way.

It’s a lot tougher being a parent then an aunt. You have to make some tough decisions, and very tough realizations if you want to be a great provider for this child.

Oh, he's going to have house rules to follow, without a doubt. The kid gloves I'm talking about are rules put in place by CFS. It's pretty common sense though...don't burden the kid with things that aren't kid related.

My brother was making him grow up too fast, putting burdens on him that shouldn't have been there, among other things that played havoc on his mind. I just want him to have the same standards as every other kid does. You know... misbehave and no friends can come over, or he can't go to their house; no foul language, at least while I can hear him; homework first, then play; no tons of junk food, he has to eat responsibly. That's one area lacking. He's quite overweight for his age and height. But, if he comes to stay with us, then he can walk the dog with me (when we get one). That should help him get in shape. Right now, to appease him, they're letting him eat whatever he wants, and we can't say boo. Personally, whether he has problems or not, if they let him do that he'll be worse down the road when he gets bigger. Or am I wrong there?

The food is for comfort no doubt, or out of sheer boredom. If he is fully occupied, he won't eat. BUT he is going to be used to those scrummy sugar highs and will miss them.

If you make it sound like a "get you fit" campaign, he will probably sneak food. Find out if he is unhappy with his weight, if so, does he want help? Would he like to try this? etc. It has to be his decision, but you will help all you can. You cannot force someone to eat "responsibly".

Child obesity is a real problem. And 95% of the time it is the parents (or the care givers) fault. Dr Phil's son has a book out on this very subject, perhaps a good read for your situation. He gets in the heads of kids, and teaches them how to alter their perception on life, in the process, it changes eating habits, and increases the desire to lose weight in a healthy way.

I agree with NooNoo, it is a vice for him right now, he just needs a more healthy vice!

Oh, he likes normal food, but he'll eat tons of it. The problem seems to be that there were no controls in place to limit him to normal portions. He know he's overweight and, as far as we can tell, he's looking at trying to lose weight, but he's so out of shape that walking a few blocks gives him side cramps.

I'm not going to force him to completely give up junk food. I like my junk food too! I'm just going to show him that there are certain times when eating junk is ok, and when eating better food is ok.

I think the food may be out of boredom too. He was pretty much left to his own devices, so he'd play video games all weekend, sit around and eat on the weeknights. He likes to swim and ride his bike, so we'll certainly take him out with us when we bike ride and to the lake for some swimming.

Of course all this bears into play IF CFS says he can come and live with us.

For the "Chores for money" question, here's a suggestion:

Find with him something he would really like to have, such as a CD, or a current video game.

Plan with him different chores he's expected to do and write them down asa list on a sheet of paper with a vertical progress bar beside it.

For each chore done, the bar gets darkened/filled in.

Once the bar (a drawing of a thermometer works great with kids) is full, you can both go out shopping to get the "prize" as soon as you can. This helps the teen learn to plan his time, accomplish tasks in view of an objective, gives you both a chance to spend some time together when you go out to get the "prize", and yes, it even allows you the opportunity to keep an eye on what interests him personally.

Some will argue that this is a very capitalist approach, but I still think work should be compensated - if not with money, then with special privileges.

An allowance could also be given on top of that, but in an amount where he could not indulge any vices. https://forums.windrivers.com/images.../2005/03/1.gif



On another topic, I would strongly recommend you find a male figure to interact with him on a regular basis. An uncle, a grandfather, a trustworthy friend - anyone who could assist in giving that boy a more positive image of himself as a young man.

He's more than likely already struggling with the abuse he's suffered and needs to have positive male reinforcement to prevent his seeking approval or self-worth in any given peer group who can lock in on his need.

As a youth leader, I've seen it happen way too often where a youngster lacking self confidence found himself involved in gangs or other questionable activities just because he/she did not receive what they needed at home. This kid already has a couple of strikes against him. He's going to be very needy, even if he doesn't verbalise his needs to you directly.

I don't say this to be offensive, but this void is something you and your mate simply cannot fill. Just like there are some needs I just can't cope with when it comes to my daughter.

Good luck

If you don't mind me asking, what was your brother doing that was "putting burdens on him that shouldn't have been there"? I ask to beter understand the situation...

So I take it cattle prods and keeping him chained in the attack with only fish heads to eat isn't what we are looking for here?

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

If you don't mind me asking, what was your brother doing that was "putting burdens on him that shouldn't have been there"? I ask to beter understand the situation...

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It angers me to think about it, let alone type it out, but here goes:

My nephew was responsible for taking care of my brother. For the most part, he was responsible for doing the dishes, cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, and various other cleaning duties as my brother saw fit. All this without compensation or even a thank you. The boy knows he should get some kind of money, even if it's a few bucks, for the chores he was doing. He stayed with us, one weekend, and we wanted to go see a movie. Since he didn't have any pocket money, we gave him various little things to do and paid him a buck per chore. He then had pocket money to play arcade games at the theatre, and popcorn if he wanted.

He also played mind games with the boy. The worst one is the "I'm sick and you might not see me again. Do you want me being angry at you as the last feelings I have?" or "You're giving me a headache. You know I have a brain tumor (BULL SH!T!!!!!)! A headache could kill me."

God, I even think of the things he's done to that poor boy and I hate him for it. He's my brother, and I love him, but I hate him! Does that make any sense, or am I all messed up? For crying out loud, the kid is only 13 year old!! He should be worried about pimples and looking forward to his first car, not if his dad is going to kick off.

I totally agree with him having a positive male role model. Luckily we have quite a few straight male friends who'll play a part in his life. One, in particular, has a wife and 16 year old boy. They live on a hobby farm, just outside the city limits. It'll do my nephew good to go out and help with the horses on the occasional weekend here and there. They're also one of the couples we like to camp with, so our friend can give him some "outdoors" lessons. I know it'll do him a world of good.

Are you have problems with CFS due to being gay? (don't mean to offend, just curious)

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Originally Posted by Coaster Creator

Are you have problems with CFS due to being gay? (don't mean to offend, just curious)

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Nope. They said that being gay wouldn't play a part in my nephew living with us or not. They only want what's best for him. I agree that he should come first. The foster home he's in now is great. They treat him wonderfully, and they've been doing this for quite some time. He likes it a lot there. I actually don't mind the idea of him staying there, but I'd really frown on them tossing him around the system. If they plan on transferring him then I'll step in that much quicker. If things look like he might stay there, indefinately, then I don't think I'll force CFS's hand. I'll be there for my nephew, but let him stay where he's happy.

Good....cuz it sounds like you honestly have his best intrests at heart and it'd be too bad if that played into it and he had to stay or get into a bad situation just cuz of that....

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

Sunshine, there had to be more involved here than the things you described in order for CFS to be involved. I mean, making a kid work around the house isn't child abuse, unless you put the child in harms way, or are not providing ample sleep, and nutrition. As far as the brain teasing, I fail to see this as warranting an intervention from the authorities. Now...is any of what you described considered good parenting, of course not. But doesn't seem like it warrants being stripped of your child, at least not the way you described it. Mental abuse is dangerous, but parenting styles are allowed to differ, even if they aren’t entirely desirable…and it sounds like either someone is acting hasty, or you left part of the story out.

What is your brother doing now? Is he trying to get his son back?

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Originally Posted by NooNoo

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

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Hold on a minute here, I think you are being hasty...lets think about this before we start suggesting that she disown her brother...I mean he made some mistakes, by only they know the in's and outs of the situation, not us.

Sorry didn't read all the posts but I do have some advice... A dear friend of mine was in a similiar situation... She fostered her neice.... Some things that seemed to work well.... She made sure she treated her the same as her own kids, with rewards and punishments... Not sure if you have kids but the idea is the same.... ONE big thing was that she let her know that she wouldn't be dumped back into the foster care system for whatever reason... She let her know that it was her HOME and that did seem to make a difference. Another that I remember was sometimes she ( the neice ) called her auntie and sometimes mom... My friend didn't make a big deal out of what she called her no matter which way it went.... I guess just try to make him feel like he's home if you know what I mean... i hope something helped and sorry but there was a lot of posts and being at work I didn't have time to read them all.... And it was something I watched happen with a friend.... Sorry I can give more insite....

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Originally Posted by NooNoo

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

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Oh my.... you're only getting half the story. The part that makes me beyond angry is something I can't bring myself to say. He's broken the law, and I'm ashamed of him for it. The only reason my nephew doesn't live with him is because CFS pulled him out due to the law breaking activities.

My brother is one phukked up guy.

I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am. My parents (well, really only my mom) are calling me all the time to cry on my shoulder about the whole thing. My dad's basically said that he's dug himself in big time, and there's nothing that can be done to help him now. I agree. The thing is, I don't want my brother to feel abandoned. I don't think he could handle it, mentally, if that were to happen. If he harms himself, what would we tell the boy? The last thing his dad said to him was that if he dies, it's basically his fault. That would do some serious damage.

I feel like I'm the rock. My partner is there for me when I have my breakdowns, when I get mad, or just when I'm indifferent to the whole situation. But there's only so much I can burden her with.

It feels good to tell somebody something, even if it's not the whole story. Nobody at works knows anything, not even my boss (and we're pretty close). Thank you all for listening and putting in your input. I really do appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

Hold on a minute here, I think you are being hasty...lets think about this before we start suggesting that she disown her brother...I mean he made some mistakes, by only they know the in's and outs of the situation, not us.

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He also played mind games with the boy. The worst one is the "I'm sick and you might not see me again. Do you want me being angry at you as the last feelings I have?" or "You're giving me a headache. You know I have a brain tumor (BULL SH!T!!!!!)! A headache could kill me."

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Ya know, have you any idea how much that would frighten a kid? Just how far down it would drive them? How seriously they take this stuff?

How about a quarter when he remembers to lower the lid?

My brother can't fight to get him back. He's in jail at the moment, being held without. Not that he's a danger, or a flight-risk, he's just stupid and broke conditions of previous bail. (he doesn't think he did anything wrong by the sounds of things)

I can see him going to jail for quite a few years, and if that happens, I want the boy to come and live with me for sure.

If he's aquitted of the charges against him (not likely) then he'll be free to get the boy back. I think that would be a very sad day indeed. Just as the boy is making progress, according to the foster family, I surely don't want him placed back in the place that screwed him up to begin with.

CFS trusts us to the point that we were allowed to have the boy over for Christmas holidays (3 days total) and my folks know where the foster family lives. My parents are privy to the whole messy situation, so they're the ones who are talking with CFS about the boy. The less stories that are travelling around, the straighter the story stays.

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Originally Posted by Cleetus

How about a quarter when he remembers to lower the lid?

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50 cents if I don't have to clean the toilet after he goes is better!!!

On the lighter side...I'll pay him ten bucks if he leaves it up and gets you to fall in at 2 in the morning... :p

Edit: Bonus pay for getting you stuck... :butt:

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

On the lighter side...I'll pay him ten bucks if he leaves it up and gets you to fall in at 2 in the morning... :p

Edit: Bonus pay for getting you stuck... :butt:

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Even bigger bonus if he doesn't earn the 50 cents from my previous post...right? :eek2:

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Originally Posted by NooNoo

Ya know, have you any idea how much that would frighten a kid? Just how far down it would drive them? How seriously they take this stuff?

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NooNoo, I know! I am just being me, ya_know, devils advocate. I figured there was more to it than that, turns out prison time was the deciding factor. I was just trying to get it to come out, that's all.

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Originally Posted by Sunshine

Even bigger bonus if he doesn't earn the 50 cents from my previous post...right? :eek2:

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Oooo...you are devious... :devil:

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Originally Posted by Sunshine

We have a house, live right beside a grade school and high school.

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You wouldn't happen to be talking about Victor Major and Dakota would you? Thats the area I bought a house.

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Originally Posted by Sunshine

50 cents if I don't have to clean the toilet after he goes is better!!!

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5.00!! Nothing like falling in at one in the morning!!

You are doing a great deed! Good luck, your nephew is very lucky!! :thumbs2:

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

You have got to be kidding...How much would you pay to not have to do it!

Any money to the kid is a going rate right now. $5 to rake the front, $15 to rake and mow the whole yard. If he gives you any static, tell him tough!

$2 to do the dishes, $1 for each load of laundry...see how I am making this up as I go!

One thing that is important to realize, money in the hands of youth does help make decisions for him. Realize that, if he has been in the system already, some derelict characteristics may already be a part of his life. Drugs cost a lot of money, but at the rates I just suggested, a week worth of work could score a good amount of pot.

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How many times does a yard need mowing? How many loads of dishes are you talking about? Laundry? Last time I checked, prices were out of this world for a little smoke. Back in the day you could get 1/4lbs for what you get ozs for today. Not that I ever purchased that type of product or anything. Well maybe for my glaucoma.

Well regardless of how you handle all of this, I think it is important for you to know that it takes unbelieveable courage and dedication to do what you would be doing. And to step forward and take this head on shows much character.

Good luck with whatever happens Sunshine. :thumbs: