The WOTPP's Tale !

Hypnotized him.Now she was in control.So she sat him on her knee and arranged a
way to reach into his back up to her elbow,and use him as a HOWDY DOODY VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY.

Now when people came to do repairs they could answer to The Great Gazoo....all knowing.Maybe she was on to something now.

If she could only get her arm back out she struggled but,......................

... she suddenly awoke with a seering pain in her arm. The Great Gazoo turned out to be a boa constrictor of some size now resting in her lap with a goodly portion of her arm lodged in its' gullet.

Letting out a blood curdling, if slightly effeminite, scream, our heroine whipped the mesmerizing beast about and smashed it repeatedly into a nearby rock.

The Great Gazoo became the Great Goo soon enough. Daphne extracted her none-the-worse-for-wear arm, shook off the snakes' digestive fluids like a puppy sheds rain water, and.....

... set a kettle on the stove. Nothing like a really hot cup of tea to clear the mental cobwebs.

Living on a planet with dimensional ADHD, where reality itself could turn inside out in the twinkling of an eye, was not an easy thing. Especially when, decorator ladies and their legions of assistants traipsed through one's cave, rearranging the slime and upending one's daily routine with such Cavalier abandon. (Not to mention the mountains of sea shells the whole thing was costing.)

The kettle's piercing whistle interrupted Daphne's reverie and she set about laying out the trappings of a proper breakfast. Just as she was selecting the flavor of jam, there came a rapping, gentle tapping, at her chamber door...

'Hello', he said.

'Oh hello Colinamatus, I'm so pleased to see you, do come in'

He stepped inside and asked, 'which light do you need moving?' 'The one that lights the rock staircase that leads to the upper floors of my cave, also the switch needs moving'.

Daphne said, 'Do you know the trouble I've been through? Sending carrots and pigeons to light men everywhere, one said I'll pop round the weekend - he never turned up. Others never sent messages back, so I've had to call you in, dear old faithful Colinamatus, do come upstairs.....'

So Colinamatus....

... gathered his toolkit and was just about to start working when he turned to Daphne and said,

'Daphne - did you say you wanted the switch switched and the light moved OR the switch moved and the light switched? I can do one but not both, or so my Union tells me.'

Daphne stood rock still, looked the lackadaisical repairman in the navel (quite a tall fellow really), and replied.......

....'could you bend down a bit, because I do like to look people in the eye. Yes, I need the light lowered and the switch moved, easy really'

So Colinamatus said 'I'm going away for the weekend, I'll catch you another time'

Then Daphne got really anxious cos coming down her stone, slimy steps was getting a bit precarious with the light playing up, so she sent a pigeon to another Light Guy who had been recommended by the Gas Guy, and this new guy said I'll give you a pigeon when I'm in the area, can do both, no problem.

Then Daphne had to think of something to say if Colinamatus ever did get back, cos no-one needs TWO Light Guys around, they'll stumble over each other and who gets the cheque?

Then out of the blue, Tommy arrived and said...

....'Hey there Daphne. I say, was that your Light Guy I just ran over and smashed into the turf? Dreadfully sorry old gal don't you know.'

'Oh dear', cried the sorrowful lass, 'I shall so miss what's 'is name, shan't I a bushel.'

'Well Daphne, what's to do now - the poor chap lived all alone since his dear mother died, and his place is untennented now and he had it all fixed up with all that great plumbing and lighting he has, er, had should I say.'

Daphne, ever the canny one, thought a moment and replied,.......

....'are you the Tommy we knew, for he was a little Scots boy, or are you a Big Tommy? For I don't think even little Tommy's play car could run over huge ColinamatamusWateverHisNameIs?'

'Anyway, do come in and sit by the fire...'

Not in the fire,By the fire,You brain dead weasel!Shouted Mags.....

I mean Daphne.

Tommy being a constant victim of his on circumstances decided to jump and land butt first in.................

......Daphne's long delayed and now cold breakfast. Tommy stood up, brushed sticky egg yolk from his kilt and adjusted his askew sporan (Daphne hoped that was his sporan anyway), and marched out the door with as much dignity as a yolk bottomed clutz could muster. The fact that some brontosaurus bacon dangled from his posterior did not phase him in the least (since he didn't know), but Daphne wrinkled her pert nose in annoyance and thought.........

....'why did I ask him in? I need a really posh man to invite round perhaps, preferably without a sporran or is it sporan'

So Daphne tipped the remains of her breakfast down the hole in the garden, had a quick bite of toast and honey, then went for a walk and met .....

... an older gent, Godot by name, who was looking for a couple of old geezers on a bench. He looked sober as a judge and had an aura of authority about him, which filled Daphne with an odd tingling sensation. But, just as she found the courage to address the somber gent, she found him gone, vanished into thin air like some ephemeral mirage. Perhaps she had only imagined him?

No matter, the irrepressible Prehistoric Female resumed her morning walk in search of a reliable, available Light Man, not unlike Diogenes and his lamp. Soon, she came upon an odd little man, who called himself Steven, that claimed he was with the Industrial Light and Magic Company. Of course he could move the switch and lower the light...

Daphne blinked and wondered what had been in the honey, because she was sure she'd seen Godot?

Ah, however, when Daphne espied Stephen, who also looked rather grubby, with plaster dust in his hair and mucky trousers, she said, 'Don't call me, I'll call you, because ...

It's Been Done Today !!!'

A rather portly man called RonaldHectoritis with a very slim guy called DaveHectoritis arrived. DaveHWotsit was despatched into the loft, while RonaldHeWotsit kept calling out, "put that along there, push it through there and I'll grab it" or something like.

Daphne kept out of the way, reading a hilarious parchment left by the Writing School Founder who had whizzed in from another planet and whizzed back again.

Then about two hours later, RonaldHectoritis and DaveHectoritis descended the stairs and Hey Presto, the light and the switch had moved ... so Daphne gathered all her Sea Shells and offered them. They were grabbed of course and the men flew away.

Then Daphne heard a knock, it was Claricentilla, asking where her husband was?

Claricentilla said ....

Steven, that chap who claimed he was with the Industrial Light and Magic Company, also espied Stephen, the chap Daphne was fendinf off with her tale of the Brothers Hectoritis.

However, as his housemate and general millstone Claricentilla was hot on his trail, he continued dropping breadcrumbs and fake love sonnets to daphne all the way to Daphnes' place then vamoosed to the Lesser Antilles.

So it was that shortly or some unknown time later the same Claricentilla appeared at Daphnes' door and, when Daphne opened said door, shouted,

'Where is my husband you harlot with the magnificent lighting fixture!'

To which the startled and completely perplexed Daphne responded,..........

Ben Dover.......................

...then the world started spinning for Daphne, she felt faint, the moon was turning round, the stars seemed to be whizzing past her, as her spirit left her body which was in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Daphne was dead.

Everyone looked up into the sky and saw her spirit disappearing and some were relieved, some wept, some wailed ... you could hear the wailing in the outer galaxies, beyond the planet, past the Moon and Stars and Sun, wailing like no-one had heard before, a huge Whale it was ...

Then round the corner came her sister, ____

Then round the corner came her sister, ____

What could her name be?

FRED? :grin:

Her sister had forgotten her name ... suffering from amnesia and too long on Windrivers... so she dashed round to Daphne to ask Daphne what it was.

She skidded to a halt when she saw poor Daphne lying on the floor, she stooped down and patted Daphne.

Daphne sat up, said, 'your name is Sophie' then lay down again.

Sophie breathed a sigh of relief, 'at last I know who I am' she said.

Sophie made a note in her notebook of her name for future reference and dashed back home again, only to find at her front door .....

only to find at her front door .....Sophie' What the?????????????

My golly! she said"I'm my own twin"Then comes the run.....................

... ahead to hug her newfound twin and ---\\\!!WHAMO!!///..., she slams into the mirror that had been delivered that very afternoon.

Picking herself up from the dusty porch, she shook out her blonde curls and muttered, 'Someone shall pay for this outrage. Oh yes, mark my words, Sophie shall have her revenge!'

With that, she promptly forgot the whole ordeal and went inside to........

to............Call The WOTPP's Hotline and see if she was supposed to run into
the mirror or,Say" Mirror,Mirror on the wall.................

...to which Desmond replied, 'The Hotline's Maxed out, I can't answer any more questions, the pigeons have been flying in all day, I've been writing messages on them and sending them back ... and no sooner have I sent one out, then ten more come in.

My house and yard is full of pigeons, all twittering on with questions and I've been diving into the old parchments finding answers and making up others .... ooh I shouldn't have said that ...

So Sophie said, 'yes but who is this woman called Daphne .. who keeps sitting up to say things, then lying down again, is she my older sister, twin or younger sister? I can't ask Mother cos Mother joined Father years ago on the upper terrestrial planes.

Then Daphne sat up again and said ...

...'Sophie, my dear, you were lied to all these years. I am your mother, your father was a vagabond hermephradite I met whilst lawn bowling one day, and now that I am gone (going) to my maker (whomever that may chance to be) I feel you should know the truth.'

Sophie cried aloud in anguish, 'Gaaaakkk!!!!! What?'

To which Daphne replied, ' Yes, but the family jewels are stored, are stored, are sto.......' and she passed over the veil to the upper celestial plain, or was it the upper terrestrial plane - regardless, she kicked the water container and died.

Sophie observed this happenstance and observed, '......

.... the cold tap was dripping !

So she set off to find a Plumber ...

Daphne swooped down from the upper/lower regions ... grinned ... and flew back again.

Then Sophie, in her search for a Pipe man, found...

A tall, gaunt man standing outside her garden gate with a large Calabash pipe clenched tightly with his teeth. The aromatic smoke rose sinously to wreath his rather bald pate, before disapating into the aether.

"No, no, no!" she grumbled, rushing past him, "Wrong type of pipe man."

If she hadn’t of cried out ‘War Pigs!' to the last two plumbers, she would not be headed for her two story cave, pipe wrench in hand,looking as if she'd already finished a days toil.

The one legged plumber famous in her whereabouts was blocking the doorway with.....................................

...a Quote for the job that made Sophie feel quite faint.

So she decided to take a holiday and blow the jobs that needed doing at home, so she whizzed off to AstroStarCus, the other Women's Prehistoric Planet.

AstroStarCus was well known for it's amazing beaches, long sun-drenched days, sun-loungers with dusky maidens attending to your (not quite) every whim, food that made even the most enthusiastic slimmer lose control and a sea as blue as blue as blue and no nasties that bite.

Sophie thought, 'I could get used to this', then as she was basking on a rainbow coloured sun-lounger, along came ....

along came ....Wee Tommy on a camel,selling ladies kilts.
Sophie my dear.....not you at a nude beach! What will
Women of The Prehistoric Planet think when I show them
pictures of you playing 'Lady Godiva' on a camel.

Poor,Sophie..............................

....... a tall, gaunt man who stopped and stood beside her lounger with a large Calabash pipe clenched tightly with his teeth. The aromatic smoke rose sinously to wreath his rather bald pate, before disapating into the aether.

'My goodness', remarked Sophie, 'I seem to recall that smell! I wonder where from? And doesn't that chap realize this is the no-smoking section of the planet! I shall just have to let him know that his behaviour is inappropriate.'

With that thought in mind, Sophie launched herself from her comfortable lounger, dropped her towel and faced the pipe-smoking chappie, and said '...............

Sophie said, 'I'm confused, are you wee Tommy or a tall, gaunt man?

I do have my sunglasses on but perhaps it's because you're standing with the sun at your back and I can't see properly. Could you move over there .... ?'

Then ...

... the tall, gaunt man replied, "I am, was, wee Tommy, all grown up!" He hopped off his camel, with the greatest of ease, that daring young Scot with the knobbley knees. Then, grinning from ear to ear, he whipped out a sample case, which he opened to display an amazing variety of Tartan patterns. "You see, I am the world's foremost purveyor of Lady's Kilts and assorted Oxymoronisms. For, what is a Lady's Kilt but a skirt by any other name? Does it smell just as sweet?"

Sophie squinted at the backlit figure of the tall, gaunt man, noticing he was now wore a Tam to cover his 'airless pate and his great Calabash pipe was safely tucked away. What the Dickens was he blathering on about anyway? Smelly women's clothes? Stepping aside, to get the sun out of her eyes, the perplexed Prehistoric Woman took a longer, better look at the alleged wee Tommy, all grown up.

One side of brain thought.....What a hunk! While the other side thought damn I need
a pipe fitter(plumber)water no leak guy.Now her brain was split in confusion as she
started to do the prehistoric dance her mummy had taught her.....Instead of the Birds
and the Bees.Think hunk..Think plumber....oh so confusing for......................

...Sophie, but she had made her mind up, household things were matters of the past, as she lazed upon the AstroStarCus beach and dreamed of earlier days, when worries never trod their way to her door ... the days when Mummy and Daddy (yes she had a nice Mummy and Daddy) did all the hard work and all she did was play ...

She put her head back, almost wishing big Tom would relax a bit ... and she fell into a dream of a beautiful garden, with roses, pansies, chrysanthemums, asters, lilac trees, lupins, primroses, daisies ... in her dream she made a daisy chain.

Then who should wake her but ....

..... Daphne (in dreams spirits roam at will).

'Hullo my dear daughter - taking the lazy life whole hog I see. Idling away precious moments of your life whilst the plumbing drips is it? Well, you shall rue the day for abandoning such mortal chores. Wait 'til you have to return home and swim into your kitchen for a caper, or a capon, or whatever. Then you'll wish you had heeded my advice.'

Sophie slumbered on, but in her reverie she thought 'What....

'What Mother doesn't know is that I am the only woman on the other Prehistoric Planet with something that sits on my lap and plugs into a secret source that only I know about and before I left, I left my problems at the feet of ..............

Terry Love's Plumbing and Remodel Advice Forum !!

..and I know that not only will the answer be given but little men will have leapt out of the box I keep on my lap and all my leaks will be fixed'

So, in the meantime, I will laze all I wish, thinking, 'Silly Mother, what does she know?'

But to her surprise ...

I have enjoyed reading about the WOTPP and am now worried about how Sophie, who has dropped her towel to face the gaunt man who is actually wee Tommy all grown up, is going to do. Will she buy a tartan kilt and preserve her modesty? or will she dream on about her mother and the plumbing in her nakedness? What a worry!

Indeed, to Sophie's surprise, a new visitor, welcome Country Bumpkin !!

And diverging a little, I will be worrying on Tuesday when I am at hospital, having had to drop something for the medics and with a pint and half of water inside me, while they do a ultrasound scan and how long will it be before they let me to go the loo ...

Anyway, back to Sophie, who should surprise her but ...

The Bad old nurse with the giant celotex lined crap catcher.

Anyway Sophie made a run for it but,'Gerte-Le-Strange' the
Monster nurse said"Relax"Bad use of words "said poor Sophie.

And now.........................

as Sophie hangs on and on with one and a half pints of fluid pestering her bladder the medics run aparatus over the pestered area of her anatomy.
With a mask covering his face so only his eyes appear the doctor like the monster nurse says "RElax" which of course is the wrong word when hanging on for dear life. But this time she cannot speak for fear of loosing her grip on her pressurised bladder.

Then ......

...Sophie looks up bleary eyed from her lounger and wonders what all these people are blabbering about ... as she lazes in the sun, without a care in the world ... she can only assume they are somewhat mad as they talk of hospitals ... for on AstroStarCus, treatment is by leaves and herbs and green tea and plenty of exercise, when one is not lounging in the sun ..

So then, all the medics ..