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...as Marie hurriedly wrote all that down in her ever-growing notebook, she stopped at the phra...a..a.a...a.a.se, '"This woof is y-woven with entrails of men' ... and she felt faint ... and sick in her stomach as she thought back over all the sudden deaths that had occurred ... and she hoped for ...
and she hoped for ...Everything to stay down.I must not think of the bloody little yellow lumber men,and their Toliver Gravy she thought to herself.
I must make it through this queasy moment then I can...............
Then all and sundry were taken aside and given a bit of education in the warp and woof and the why and wherefor.
Early Scot and Irish (I mean, EARLY) women (nearly WOTPP types mark you) had to convince their habitually dimly-focussed male counterparts (sex, war and sex being their main activities) to abstain from running naked through the dales, glens, valleys and hallways, and so the conniving and peace loving FEMALE peoples of those times derived a novel solution - make a skirt the brave lads could wear to cover their curmudgeons AND make it with a novel bit of warrior-succumbing poetry so the very LACK of wearing such a thing would have killed (kilt dontcha know) any man less than a foot from his grave.
The rest is, of course, history.
So say I!
pad.
Petronella awoke with a start and slight gasp from the strangest of dreams. There was a wonderfully chaotic and peculiarly quaint little Planet, of Prehistoric Women and a handful of Befuddled Bards, where she might of shot JR, but wasn't entirely sure, as reality and continuity were more like suggestions there, than anything else. Yet, on the other hand, she wore a glove. :wave:
and on the other hand, she did not. Did one hand decide to put the glove on it's own? Is this a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing? Or did the left hand help? She didn't know. She looked around for the other glove, it wasn't in view, but what was in view was...
...a giant in great big boots, marching across the Planet, with his head in the clouds, cos that's where giant's heads live ... he looked down on everyone and saw Petronella trying to sort her gloves out ... so he drew himself up to his full stature, which was rather large, as is the wont of giants .. and with a big huff and ...be very afraid ... puff ... he opened his huge knapsack and drew out a ... vegemite sandwich ... which he devoured after the manner of giants with no great delicacy or manners ... then as he was about to lift one boot to tread forward ....there appeared ...
a castle, a rooster and a giraffe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WksYQ...elated&search=
http://wwp.greenwichmeantime.com/tim...adian-flag.jpg
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
Someone call ? ..................... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v5...s-/Giraffe.gif ... and I will appear !
Slowly, gradually heaving its ponderous bulk up from the briny depths of the cold, cold sea, the outsized cephalopod emerged from the dark coastal waters and slithered its way onto the shore. Dripping with foul-smelling algae and seaweed, the tentacled tourist surveyed its surroundings, scanning the horizons from any sign of activity. But, the landscape was a desolate lonliness, bereft of any signs of life, not even a thin plume of smoke.
What had happened to the ribald denizens of the Prehistoric Planet? Where were the Women with their ever present tablets and quills, their lists and embroidered gloves? And, what of wee Tommy and his mates?
Perplexed, the boneless blob pondered these questions briefly, then reluctantly returned to the primordial ooze from whence it had come. And yet, as it slipped beneath the dark, briny waters, deep in its squishy chest... er... torso... um... central trunk, what passed for a heart was secure in the knowledge that the WOTPP would someday return.
...Gladys with her Guitar ... unpacked her bags and put posters up everywhere announcing that she had 'hit town' .. well the Prehistoric Planet ... to those who knew her, they knew that she had Gigs galore under her belt, also a vegemite sandwich ... so they knew she would put on a great show.
Gladys cried after the Tentacled creature, 'come back, come back, you don't know what you're gonna miss ...'
Gladys leaped onto the nearest table and proceeded to....
launch into a highly spirited rendition of "Smoke Under Water."
But the Squid could not be lured back.
Down in the depths in his lair, our diabolical denizen of the deep brooded, reflecting on the situation. Dr. Bruce was drunk on a street corner on Lonely Street, begging for spare change -- gone were the dreams of world domination -- he had tried without much success to get the Cyborg Wombat to do some street walking -- there were few takers. Chi-Ken was locked up in a closet in Ahab's cheap housekeeping room above the sleazy Taco Del Mar, wrapped up in duct tape with tin foil over his head to keep him from committing seppuku with his Zen powers. Ahab, himself, had opened a small nautically-themed interior design shop with Ms Butterfly, called "Well Hello There, Sailor!" -- they were catering to the well-heeled gay crowd that frequented the waterfront on the wrong side of town. And Wee Tommy, well, he wasn't so wee anymore; a taste for too many McHaggis burgers had led to him looking more like Fat Bastard. And where was Mr. P? Nobody knew. The trail of vegemite sandwhich crumbs had petered out part way through the woods where a malicious and smug-looking gang of chickadees threatened hapless travellers. And Moby and Daisy, well they ran an after hours gambling-club/booze-can in a disused wing of the Heart Break Hotel. The dames were scattered, who knew where, after Moby had tried to press them into "service," claiming to be the new Mr. "P" on the block. And the Petronella twins..... ahh and the Petronella twins..... well there were some consolations. Dr. Bruce in one of his few sober moments of late had fitted them with cyborg gills and webbed toes.
"I should be happy enough," thought the Squid. But he felt a kind of identity crisis: the scripts he had worked with wavered between Mickey Spillane and Stan Lee and Gene Roddenberry. Who was he really? He looked at his reflection in a polished abalone shell. He still had it he thought -- he was a Charles Bronson, a Clint Eastwood, a Sean Connery, a Captain Kirk among squids. "But," he wondered, "was there still an audience for a nitro-testosterone-fueled stallion of a squid?" He hadn't seen a new script in months.
Dejected, he picked up the kraken phone and called his agent: "Hey, Moshie! It's the Squid. Long time no see. What's up? Any work for me?"
Moshie coughed, mumbled, muttered and shuffled papers, and then suddenly sounded excited. "Actually yes! A great new script just came in: Brokeback Reef! A poignant, heart-wrenching, sensitive tale of the forbidden love between a tall dark handsome macho squid, the strong silent type, and a gender-ambivalent octopus shrimp-herder."
The squid made various non-commital noises. Moshie said he would courier the script over. The squid hung up.
He slumped. Then he thought, suckers drumming on the coffee table, "I must do something. The dramatic tension here has been rather lacking of late. Hmmmm hmmm............ Chi-Ken......... I must rescue Chi-Ken. We have more than a few scores to settle with that bloated minnow, Moby. And we must find out about the NooNoo, the Prehistoric Planet's elusive Professor Moriarty. " His photophores flashed with excitement.
The Petronella twins, who had been modelling neoprene lingerie at the back of the underwater cave in a vain effort to cheer up the Killer Kraken and catch his attention, suddenly perked up. "What's up, Squishy Stud-Muffin?" they bubbled hopefully.
"Just you wait and see, Clamcakes! Just you wait and see! Bawaa Hahaha!"
And the sound track swelled ominously... <Dunh Dunh Dunh! Ahh ahh ahh ahh!>
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
Meanwhile the Prehistoric Planet waited with baited breath.
Down on the warf, Ahab, opening another can of worms, was holding a master baiting seminar. The clientelle from his interior design shop looked on in awe.
"Arrr..me hearties," he ejaculated pointedly, a large fish-hook in one hand and a massive red wriggler in the other, "the main point be t'disguise the hook. The squids... err .. . the fish don't take t'the bait if the hook be a might too obvious. They be right ornery beasts."
https://forums.windrivers.com/
Turbo Squid
At the end of the warf, Gladys sat oblivious to Ahab's master baiting. She stared down into the water forlornly. No one had ever walked out.. err slithered out on one of her performances. She picked up her guitar and slowly began the ancient and mournful Chinese folk melody, Tu-Ning, hauntingly beautiful with it's melodic intervals of equal-tempered 4ths.
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
..but the Squid would not be lured back, so Gladys tried another tack ... she grabbed another instrument ... and began to play ....
Everyone, yes, just about everyone dashed back to the stage to hear the great Gladys and her Pips ... to hear this amazing melody, which is not Tu-Ning but the well-known Yang Ming Chun Xiao
Even the boys from the far side of town zoomed across to hear ... the NooNoo stopped in it's tracks .. its huge ears flapping .. the Petronella twins stood in amazement ... and Marie dropped her notebook .. the tune was so ...
..... discordant, so utterly oriental in nature, yet in its' jarring staccato lurked a beauty that caught the attention of....
Something in the deep.......
http://news.bbc.co.uk/nol/shared/spl...7/img/laun.jpg
Large squid lights up for attack
"The squid are far from the sluggish, inactive beasts once thought."
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
...and Sukie the 43ft long Squid leapt out of the water, arms a-flailing, as arms have never flailed before ... screaming with all her might that this music, so amazingly 'over there' was reaching the very depths of her being .. heart ... stomach ... wherever it was ... then she espied ...
... a neighbour - Mr. Simeon Sperm Whale, that is - all 65 feet of him. He gave her a knowing wink, and with a mighty flap of his flukes, he ......
and with a mighty flap of his flukes, he ......Began to Chortle and it got
worse every second until..........................
... the intensity of the sound waves caused an underwater volcano to erupt, spewing mega tons of molten lava and ash into the sea. Before long a steaming heap of igneous rock protruded out of the depths into the air above, forming a small, oddly shaped island. Soon, a passing seagull made a substantial guano deposit upon the new island, welcoming it to the world above. <squawk>
There was a synchronous fourfold rumbling in the collective unconscious: at the very moment the seagull droppings splattered on the virgin oceaninc rock outcropping, Sting looked at his finacial statements and thought about calling up Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland; Carl Gustav Jung rolled over in his grave; and the colesteral blockages in Wee Tommy's arteries reached a critical mass.
Wee Tommy struggled for breath. He broke out in a sweat. His vision blurred. The half-eaten McHaggis burger slipped from his hands and he slumped forward face-first onto the tartan-patterned arborite of the table before him. As he spiralled down into the darkness, a series of incomprehensible images swirled around him in a blur.
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/image...tough_6666.jpghttps://forums.windrivers.com/http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...px-Billy_1.jpg
http://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/images/d...ical-jimmy.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...ch_10_year.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi..._1980_Crop.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...family_guy.jpghttp://www.awa.dk/whisky/cragganmore/cragganm.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...low_album).jpg
http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/hollywood_...an_bike150.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...ear_bottle.jpghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...48/Willied.png
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...close_crop.jpghttp://www.awa.dk/whisky/lagavuli/lagavu16.gifhttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi..._usgp_pits.jpg
http://www.it-serve.co.uk/jimmyshand/shandstatue2.jpghttp://www.laphroaig.com/uploads/ima...arter_cask.jpghttp://www.memorabletv.com/showsaz/hamish2.jpg
http://www.rampantscotland.com/edinb.../bobby233e.jpghttps://forums.windrivers.com/http://www.hyder.demon.co.uk/kenMulhouse.gif
There was faint ghostly singing rising from the depths of blackness:
"Oh! ye'll take the high road and
I'll take the low road,
And I'll be in Scotland afore ye;
But me and my true love
Will never meet again
On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond."
Then suddenly just as Wee Tommy was about to reach the terminus of the low road to enternity, there was a blinding flash of bluish light and a blaring of the pipes and a rattling of the drums:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi.../Brave_mel.jpg
A brisk highland zephyr arising out of nowhere wafted up Wee Tommy's kilt, and he pulled himself back from the blackness. There was a loud slurp follow by an ingressive vacuum pop as he rose to his feet, extracting the McHaggis swivel stool from between his pendulous buttocks. He brushed the burger detritus from his once proud tartan, bent his massive bulk to pick up his pipes, and then waddled out the door.
Stopping for a moment to regard his reflection in the McHaggis windows, he straightened his Tam O'Shanter and pulled himself up.
He waddled down past the sleazy Taco Del Mar to the corner of Lonely Street, crossed the intersection and lumbered into the Silvestrus Paw(n) Shop on 1 Street. The proprietor, a mangy-looking black and white tom cat with shifty eyes, stared at Wee Tommy coldly.
With a newfound iron will, Wee Tommy held his gaze and stated flatly, "Och... I'll be need'n me broad sword back.. if'n ye dunna mind!"
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
While the audience waited, thinking the cat seems to have got its own tongue here, the narrator turned momentarily to the mods, took off his straw boater, twriled his cane, and began to tap dance and sing,
"Oh where have all the edit buttons gone?
Long time passing.
Oh where have all the edit buttons gone?
Long time ago.
Oh where have all the typos gone?
Long time passing.
Oh where have all the typos gone?
They haven't; they're stil here."
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
... Marie looked totally amazed and began to scribble hurriedly in her notebooks ... then decided to use her new Edirol R-09 to record it all live ... she poked the microphone towards Wee Tommy, being careful not to tread on his kilt ... and was soooooooooooooooooooo excited to capture her first real Scottish voice ... edit buttons still needed, but typos, writos, erasers were gone ... just a question of sorting her bits ...
Estradiloptomus espied her recording and sought to get a copy of this amazing event plus the current red moon ... so he ...
was so overcome by excitement that he rushed out of the building for fresh air. At the precise moment he reached the sidewalk, a delivery truck driven by a drunken redneck momentarily confused about which side of the street he should be driving on hopped the curb and crushed him into a smear of shredded flesh and ruptured vital organs.
Still, the mutilated tissue continued to throb slowly, gradually collecting into an unholy mass which...
.... in the manner of similar gelatinous masses in similar stories since time began and gelatinous masses evolved, coalessed into a new, somewhat messier shape than the original Estradiloptomus it had been.
Rising ominously to the full stature now afforded, the undefinable creature slurred, ......
...Mya I inrotuce myeslf? I am Estradiloptomus. I aveh wachtde yuro palnte 4 a lnog emti and wolud ikle ot yas ttah ti si a fulwnoder lacep. I wloud ikel ot ivel ereh fi uyo wolud aveh me?
To which Tommy replied ...
To which Tommy replied ...
Whuh-bit- Dib-bit-You-bit Say-bit?
It wool be an owner to aveh you-bit.
And Boy George sang: Karma, karma, karma, chameleon...
Where's my brain, I nearly logged on as 'Estradiloptomus'
Estradiloptomus looked so happy, he seemed to rise out of the sludgy, wudgy mess that he'd been reduced to ... so he stood up again (as is the way on this Planet) .. and said to the crowd of 3, 'I ma os ppahy htat uyo wshi em ot ayst dna I evah ot yas taht I ma na trepxe no yrtneprac, os fi anyone dluow ekil yna sboj enod, kaeps won .................. ?
Just as a small cyborg wombat, tarted up awkwardly in lipstick and high heels, comes teetering down the sidewalk.
Meanwhile, inside the Sylvestrus Paw(n) Shop, Wee Tommy and the proprietor are engaged a heated argument over the pawn ticket for Wee Tommy's broad sword.
Bob DelaRue, the mangey tom cat proprietor, hisses, "No money! No sword!"
Wee Tommy reaches for his pipes.....
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
...and plays that .. I mean THAT .. haunting tune, which never fails to summon his wee brown cow ... who is always full of wisdom on matters like this ... and his wee brown cow immediately spotted that the sword didn't look like Tommy's sword, there was a little dent missing. So whose sword was it? And where has Tommy's sword gone?
The Cow p(l)ot thickens....
So,the cow had a meeting with her friends.
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l9...et1-1/Cows.jpg
Wotpp.
I thought it was very fitting that this should disappear, showing only the back end of a cow !!
The cow pats haven't dried yet...
:wave:
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
Kao pat is fried rice in Thai... :)
Wow....I'm glad I kept out of this before. Most schizophrenic thread of the decade.:eek2:
First Cow: (looking around cautiously) I think they are all gone now.
Brown Cow: (whispering back) Are you sure? We must not risk discovery. Not now that we are so close to success.
First Cow: (chuckling under her moos) Ease up there Daisy Borden, the big bad humans have all abandoned this thread. It is finally ours...
Brown Cow: What is that? You idiot, we've been posting all along. Err... Moo!
First Cow: Moo!
Therefore, if the First Cow was not the Brown Cow and the Second Cow was the Brown Cow, what colour was the First Cow? And is the Brown Cow the Second Cow or did the Second Cow disappear on day one? Leaving the Brown Cow to be the Third Cow .. I wonder?
Can the Milkmaid throw any light on this, Pat?
"How now brown cow, Pat?" said the milkmaid as she reached for her bottle of Risperidone/Risperdal tablets.Quote:
Originally Posted by FatalException0E
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!