My life could change dramatically in the next few months...

For the "Chores for money" question, here's a suggestion:

Find with him something he would really like to have, such as a CD, or a current video game.

Plan with him different chores he's expected to do and write them down asa list on a sheet of paper with a vertical progress bar beside it.

For each chore done, the bar gets darkened/filled in.

Once the bar (a drawing of a thermometer works great with kids) is full, you can both go out shopping to get the "prize" as soon as you can. This helps the teen learn to plan his time, accomplish tasks in view of an objective, gives you both a chance to spend some time together when you go out to get the "prize", and yes, it even allows you the opportunity to keep an eye on what interests him personally.

Some will argue that this is a very capitalist approach, but I still think work should be compensated - if not with money, then with special privileges.

An allowance could also be given on top of that, but in an amount where he could not indulge any vices. https://forums.windrivers.com/images.../2005/03/1.gif



On another topic, I would strongly recommend you find a male figure to interact with him on a regular basis. An uncle, a grandfather, a trustworthy friend - anyone who could assist in giving that boy a more positive image of himself as a young man.

He's more than likely already struggling with the abuse he's suffered and needs to have positive male reinforcement to prevent his seeking approval or self-worth in any given peer group who can lock in on his need.

As a youth leader, I've seen it happen way too often where a youngster lacking self confidence found himself involved in gangs or other questionable activities just because he/she did not receive what they needed at home. This kid already has a couple of strikes against him. He's going to be very needy, even if he doesn't verbalise his needs to you directly.

I don't say this to be offensive, but this void is something you and your mate simply cannot fill. Just like there are some needs I just can't cope with when it comes to my daughter.

Good luck

If you don't mind me asking, what was your brother doing that was "putting burdens on him that shouldn't have been there"? I ask to beter understand the situation...

So I take it cattle prods and keeping him chained in the attack with only fish heads to eat isn't what we are looking for here?

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

If you don't mind me asking, what was your brother doing that was "putting burdens on him that shouldn't have been there"? I ask to beter understand the situation...

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It angers me to think about it, let alone type it out, but here goes:

My nephew was responsible for taking care of my brother. For the most part, he was responsible for doing the dishes, cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, and various other cleaning duties as my brother saw fit. All this without compensation or even a thank you. The boy knows he should get some kind of money, even if it's a few bucks, for the chores he was doing. He stayed with us, one weekend, and we wanted to go see a movie. Since he didn't have any pocket money, we gave him various little things to do and paid him a buck per chore. He then had pocket money to play arcade games at the theatre, and popcorn if he wanted.

He also played mind games with the boy. The worst one is the "I'm sick and you might not see me again. Do you want me being angry at you as the last feelings I have?" or "You're giving me a headache. You know I have a brain tumor (BULL SH!T!!!!!)! A headache could kill me."

God, I even think of the things he's done to that poor boy and I hate him for it. He's my brother, and I love him, but I hate him! Does that make any sense, or am I all messed up? For crying out loud, the kid is only 13 year old!! He should be worried about pimples and looking forward to his first car, not if his dad is going to kick off.

I totally agree with him having a positive male role model. Luckily we have quite a few straight male friends who'll play a part in his life. One, in particular, has a wife and 16 year old boy. They live on a hobby farm, just outside the city limits. It'll do my nephew good to go out and help with the horses on the occasional weekend here and there. They're also one of the couples we like to camp with, so our friend can give him some "outdoors" lessons. I know it'll do him a world of good.

Are you have problems with CFS due to being gay? (don't mean to offend, just curious)

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Originally Posted by Coaster Creator

Are you have problems with CFS due to being gay? (don't mean to offend, just curious)

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Nope. They said that being gay wouldn't play a part in my nephew living with us or not. They only want what's best for him. I agree that he should come first. The foster home he's in now is great. They treat him wonderfully, and they've been doing this for quite some time. He likes it a lot there. I actually don't mind the idea of him staying there, but I'd really frown on them tossing him around the system. If they plan on transferring him then I'll step in that much quicker. If things look like he might stay there, indefinately, then I don't think I'll force CFS's hand. I'll be there for my nephew, but let him stay where he's happy.

Good....cuz it sounds like you honestly have his best intrests at heart and it'd be too bad if that played into it and he had to stay or get into a bad situation just cuz of that....

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

Sunshine, there had to be more involved here than the things you described in order for CFS to be involved. I mean, making a kid work around the house isn't child abuse, unless you put the child in harms way, or are not providing ample sleep, and nutrition. As far as the brain teasing, I fail to see this as warranting an intervention from the authorities. Now...is any of what you described considered good parenting, of course not. But doesn't seem like it warrants being stripped of your child, at least not the way you described it. Mental abuse is dangerous, but parenting styles are allowed to differ, even if they aren’t entirely desirable…and it sounds like either someone is acting hasty, or you left part of the story out.

What is your brother doing now? Is he trying to get his son back?

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Originally Posted by NooNoo

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

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Hold on a minute here, I think you are being hasty...lets think about this before we start suggesting that she disown her brother...I mean he made some mistakes, by only they know the in's and outs of the situation, not us.

Sorry didn't read all the posts but I do have some advice... A dear friend of mine was in a similiar situation... She fostered her neice.... Some things that seemed to work well.... She made sure she treated her the same as her own kids, with rewards and punishments... Not sure if you have kids but the idea is the same.... ONE big thing was that she let her know that she wouldn't be dumped back into the foster care system for whatever reason... She let her know that it was her HOME and that did seem to make a difference. Another that I remember was sometimes she ( the neice ) called her auntie and sometimes mom... My friend didn't make a big deal out of what she called her no matter which way it went.... I guess just try to make him feel like he's home if you know what I mean... i hope something helped and sorry but there was a lot of posts and being at work I didn't have time to read them all.... And it was something I watched happen with a friend.... Sorry I can give more insite....

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Originally Posted by NooNoo

And you still call him brother? Man I wouldn't.

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Oh my.... you're only getting half the story. The part that makes me beyond angry is something I can't bring myself to say. He's broken the law, and I'm ashamed of him for it. The only reason my nephew doesn't live with him is because CFS pulled him out due to the law breaking activities.

My brother is one phukked up guy.

I can't believe I'm doing as well as I am. My parents (well, really only my mom) are calling me all the time to cry on my shoulder about the whole thing. My dad's basically said that he's dug himself in big time, and there's nothing that can be done to help him now. I agree. The thing is, I don't want my brother to feel abandoned. I don't think he could handle it, mentally, if that were to happen. If he harms himself, what would we tell the boy? The last thing his dad said to him was that if he dies, it's basically his fault. That would do some serious damage.

I feel like I'm the rock. My partner is there for me when I have my breakdowns, when I get mad, or just when I'm indifferent to the whole situation. But there's only so much I can burden her with.

It feels good to tell somebody something, even if it's not the whole story. Nobody at works knows anything, not even my boss (and we're pretty close). Thank you all for listening and putting in your input. I really do appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by Ya_know

Hold on a minute here, I think you are being hasty...lets think about this before we start suggesting that she disown her brother...I mean he made some mistakes, by only they know the in's and outs of the situation, not us.

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He also played mind games with the boy. The worst one is the "I'm sick and you might not see me again. Do you want me being angry at you as the last feelings I have?" or "You're giving me a headache. You know I have a brain tumor (BULL SH!T!!!!!)! A headache could kill me."

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Ya know, have you any idea how much that would frighten a kid? Just how far down it would drive them? How seriously they take this stuff?

How about a quarter when he remembers to lower the lid?

My brother can't fight to get him back. He's in jail at the moment, being held without. Not that he's a danger, or a flight-risk, he's just stupid and broke conditions of previous bail. (he doesn't think he did anything wrong by the sounds of things)

I can see him going to jail for quite a few years, and if that happens, I want the boy to come and live with me for sure.

If he's aquitted of the charges against him (not likely) then he'll be free to get the boy back. I think that would be a very sad day indeed. Just as the boy is making progress, according to the foster family, I surely don't want him placed back in the place that screwed him up to begin with.

CFS trusts us to the point that we were allowed to have the boy over for Christmas holidays (3 days total) and my folks know where the foster family lives. My parents are privy to the whole messy situation, so they're the ones who are talking with CFS about the boy. The less stories that are travelling around, the straighter the story stays.