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"No, not the Baboon Viper!" Ahab and Flangebanger exclaimed in unison. "Anything but that!"
"Gaboon, you morons, not Baboon!" Stoutwood yelled back, veins throbbing at his temples. "It's a scary poisonous snake from Gaboon, not a crimson-arsed ape!" Then, using his mad Rugby skills, he kicked Flangebanger in the scrum with crushing force.
"Oof!" The wizened old fart blanched and fell over, doubled up in breathless agony. Stoutwood splashed the remained Pusser's Rum on the fallen Flangebanger, reached behind the counter, pulling out a tote sack and, from it, extracted a vicious serpent of Gaboonish origins.
He dropped the serpentine assassin on the floor, chortling, "Behold, the dread Gaboon Viper! Trained from hatching to attack rum-soaked scoundrels! Bwa Ha Ha!" :flames:
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And now, a word from our sponsor...
:flames: :devil: :eek: :knife:
Back to the story...
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{It is at this point that the financial backers sacked the director for straying from a 'Women Of The Prehistoric Past' concept into some 'Poison Snakes and Sodden Sailors' low budget thriller.}
Daphne, recently resurrected by the 'Daphne (Incorporated) Prehistoric Preservation Society' [Dipps for short] was pondering the plumbing again, only this time it was the innards of a..............
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... state of the art electronic bidet, with IR sensors and an AI that could respond to instructions in 27 languages. The interior plumbing, however, reminded Daphne of some Giger-esque mechanism of unknown origin.
http://autopost.ru/graf/clipart/HRG/...ger044_jpg.jpg
This was definitely not a job for your run of the mill plumber. This was a job for...
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Grandpa Tennison... from Ben 10 fame. Known for his ability to make any heath robinson contraption work after a fashion as evidenced by the rustbucket. It also helps if your grandson can turn into a small alien and go in and clean out the pipes by hand. Unfortunately the timer is not terribly precise.
The upshot of which is that Ben returned to normal size while still inside, causing all the pipes to rupture in an explosive kinda way.
Sighing, Grandpa Tennison handed Daphne a cloth, a bucket and cleaning solution...
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Daphne sighed, "British plumbing....," and recalled an upleasant incident in the student dormatories at the Univeristy of Warrick once when the others had all gone off to Kenilworth Castle to dance in the moonlight.
"Why was she always Cinder-Daphne?" She wondered.
"Would there never be a Prince Charming and a Fairy Godmother for her?"
She stared disconsolately and the slightly demented-looking blue vacuum cleaner device/appliance, trying to imagine it transformed into a handsome coach and four.
When suddenly there was a small twinkling light outside the sooty kitchen window, dimming and brightening but growing ever stronger.....
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
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....it was the Chief Inspector of Police, with his little torch, looking for ...
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.... a suspect in the reported self-animation of an industrial-grade vacuum cleaner.
Having no luck, he wended his way toward a light glowing from a window in the misty darkness of the dew-laden dale into which he had mistakenly tracked his non-existant suspect.
Looking into said window, he saw a woman of indeterminate years in a somewhat disheveled appearance due to her recent, although unbeknownst-to-him, resurrection, and as he espied her so did she he, and with mouths agape, they both shrieked long and, well, shrilly.
At which point................
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At which point Daphne exclaimed, "Oh, Inspector! It's only you! You gave me such a fright! Sorry if I upset the other tenants, but it seems my plumbing has backed up, and I'm feeling a bit...anxious, as it were. Perhaps you could help me out a bit with your large, powerful electric torch?"
"Well, lassie, I think that's a bit out of my jurisdiction, but let's have a look at the pipes, now, shall we?" replied the kindly Inspector.
The Chief Inspector directed the beam of his torch toward Daphne's pipes, and suddenly exclaimed, "Ah, what have we here now! Miss, there seems to be a wooden leg thrust clean through your ceiling and into your cold water supply line! Bless me if there isn't writing on the leg! I can just make it out."
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"Furthermore," exclaimed the Inspector, "the script appears to be a form of Elvish! I think it says, 'If found, please return to Sindar ... Ah! It's no use! I can't make out the rest!"
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Seeing as how he couldn't make heads or tails of it all, elvish or not, the muddled tale itself slipped slowly and inexorably over the edge into that dim, mysterious netherworld reached only by clicking the chevrons or numbers at the bottom right corner of the page, a realm from which few threads ever return..... Normally the obolus of neglect bought only a one way ticket from Charon.
Then suddenly out of the dark æther on the other side, a luminous presence manifested itself, an angel of mercy come to tug the twisted thread back into the land of the living (but further unravelling any vestigial sense of plot).
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...o_Reni_031.jpg
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
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This angelic, manifested luminous presence, hovered above those present and announced 'I am the angel MacGuffin, and as such my purpose today is to set things right in this story of prehistoric women, planets, plumbers and pirates!' .
With a wave of her Blessed Sword and a jab of her Sainted Scissors, she transformed the whole of that existance into ..........
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...a Christmas Grotto, illumined with stars (and not forgetting the stripes) .. and little fairies on trees and a beautiful Nativity Scene with a harrassed looking man and a worn-out looking woman, gazing down on the most beautiful baby ... then suddenly from the skies and byways and alleyways, in dropped (I typed dripped there first) .. millions and millions of prehistoric women, planets, plumbers and pirates!
Then peering out from the gloomy hay, Dan the Donkey, Claribell the Cow, Larry the Lamb and .....
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Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer looked at the scene with astonishment. There was the inspector dressed as Santa and Daphne decked out as an elf. Daphne, the Inspector, Rudolf, Larry, Dan and Claribell all started talking together trying to figure out what just happened. They fixed upon the angel...
Shouldering their way through bales of hay, they started after the angel who was holding court among the the prehistoric women, plumbers and pirates. The planets being planets orbited the scene but looked on with planetary interest.
When Inspector Santa got close enough he bellowed "Oyyyyy!!! what sort of angel are you that picks people up out of perfectly good homes and dumps them altogether in surreal costumes????"
Angel McGuffin calmly replied "My other name is Loki".
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To which Inspector Santa replied, "The reponse to this all has been rather low key, indeed."
http://www.timelessmyths.com/norse/gallery/loki.jpg
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http://forums.windrivers.com/images/.../2010/07/1.jpg
It is my pure and virtuous heart that
gives me the strength of ten!
