The WOTPP's Tale !

And, perched upon a cyclopean coconut custard pie, one of the Mi-Go, the fungi from outer space, ponders aloud, "Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep?" Whereupon Rutger Hauer steps out from within the pie, grabs the Mi-Go by its shrimp-like head and shoves his thumbs into its eye sockets, murmuring, "I send you to a better place." Unfortunately, the Mi-Go doesn't actually have any organs, as it is just a steaming pile of alien fungi mimicking the form and organs of yet another icky species.

Emitting a shrill squeal, the extraterrestrial mushroom being slithers off with blinding speed. Exit stage left. Rutger, looking somewhat beffudled, says, "We need bigger guns!" and dives back in to the enormous coconut custard pie. Tommy, spoon in hand, advances towards the pie, a hungry gleam in his eye.

"Settle down gleam," he chided it, "You'll eat soon enough!"

But, his conversation was cut short by the unexpected appearance of ...

...dear Matilda, who was an ardent Folk Dance practiser ... the night before, she had been twirling round, holding hands, right step, left step, right step, twirl round the left, back round the right, into the middle, lift those coloured scarves you're holding, sort of dance backwards, trying to watch someone else's feet at the same time as trying to keep your own in step and look as though you've been there before, when in fact it was your first night there ...

...and to help her sort her left from right, along came ...

along came ...Jones, and the Coasters were all 6 years old and 12 inches tall.
but sing.......I mean squeal they did for Matildas great performance.Ray Stevens
who would later make it an even more comical song...Sat in the background and
smelled like a....................................

...a cloud of putrid, swamp gas, bubbled up form the depths of the primordial sludge, heralding the ascension of a vast, cyclopean creature of nightmarish horror,... the WOTPP thread that wouldn't die! Bwa, ha, ha!

The undying behemoth heaved it's colossal bulk up from the dark and slimy ooze, rivulets of nonsensical prose and outre imagery sluicing off it's massive, dense skull. Tiny little eyes scanned the surrounding countryside, seeking prey, the innocent and unsuspecting posters who ventured into this surreal thread.

And there, virtually undetectable by even the sharpest ears, sounded the soft and wheezy breath of ....

the NooNoo. The NooNoo holds the power to kill threads - but does this thread have a glimmer of hope? If it's entertaining enough, the NooNoo will let it continue on its way.

The NooNoo regarded the colossal bulk of the surreal thread, what would it do next? The thread glimpsed the NooNoo and suddenly......

....little Daisy looked up with an expression of sheer joy and excitement!!

'My Mummy used to tell me about the Great NooNoo and how she used to walk through the Forests in Huge Boots and reading a Book. I always used to ask Mummy what the Book was about, but she never said....'

So Daisy plucked up courage and stood at the door of her slime covered hut and said, 'May I ask what the Book is about? I've wanted to know all my life....'

'I've been busy lately, making rag rugs. I use sacking as a background, and pieces of any old fabrics, cut into strips, and pushed through the sacking with a simple wooden peg. It used to be a traditional English craft. The finished rug might be worked into simple patterns or blocks of colour, or just be a complete mixture. As you can imagine, I've made loads, it keeps us warm during the chilly nights...'

'What is that book about?'

'What is that book about?'



http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l9...t1-1/squid.jpg


Squid : Calamari

Ingredients
3 cups vegetable oil
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
12 squid, cleaned and sliced into rings
1 lemon, wedged, for garnish

:flames: Bwa HaHaHa! Bwa HaHaHa!

.....Daisy said, 'really?' and called for Petronella, who immediately burst into tears, cos she had secretly fallen in love with the dear Squid. Her prehistoric mascara ran down her cheeks, all her tissues (which are actually leaves from the trees) got soggy, her hair got all tousled as she ran her fingers through it in frustration....

Petronella said ....

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l9...1/wishwell.jpg





Petronella said ....Quit running your fingers through your hair and straighten
up your make-up dear.What a mess!

Then she asked the unforgiveable question.

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? :flames:

So Daisy Lost it all and reverted back to her prehistoric......................

God bless Mags! Isn't she entitled to some kind of virtual award for this thread?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by slgrieb

God bless Mags! Isn't she entitled to some kind of virtual award for this thread?

---

Maybe they can give her the nicest and most understanding award
of the year,after what we did to her original thread she started.

Anyway,I for one always think she deserves the best, :wave: :wave:

I think awards of any kind are not in order for keeping such waffle going, after all it must be taking up space on the Windrivers website, awards are due on this site to all those people who help others out of techno scrapes.

Anyway ....

So Daisy Lost it all and reverted back to her prehistoric......................

....rag rug making.

Then along came a harrassed looking mother, called Daphne, she was on a newspaper hunt. They'd stopped delivering free newspapers, so she had nothing to put on the floor for when the decorator arrived, she worried that blobs of paint might end up on the carpet, well the slime on the floor and bits of paper from the walls might scatter everywhere, upheaval was on the way ... so she dashed off to ...

... Omar, the Tent Maker, to see if he had any surplus tarps, or large pieces of cloth, with which she could cover the furniture and floor. Sadly, Omar was not in. Rather, Daphne was attended by Omar's cousin Aesclepios, the Clothing Designer, who did not have anything resembling a drop cloth, but did sell her a lovely leopard print leotard and matching leg warmers. They were all the rage with the Australopithecenes.

So, stylishly accoutred, Daphne capriciously decided a new coiffure was called for, to go with her chic new clothes. Leaving the fashionista's fabulous cave, the prehistoric mother traipsed on over to the lair of Szerenko, the Mad Stylist, who was busy sharpening axes and heating up irons when she arrived.

"So, what can the Great Szerenko do for you?" he sneered haughtily, squinting at her hair with obvious distaste.

Daphne replied, 'I really don't know, am not sure now that I want my hair done at all, I've gone into a panic in my leopard print leotard and matching leg warmers, because I don't really want the decorator to see me in a leotard !! And if I have my hair done now and blobs of magnolia drop onto it, whatever will I look like? Perhaps I ought to wait until the 3-4 days is up that the lady decorator (yes I did say lady) has finished, because what with hoping she won't drop paint on the new green slime carpet (I did things all the wrong way round ... should have had the decorating done then bought the new slime carpet, woe is me !) and wondering how many dentinarios it's going to cost, I don't know...

So can I cancel my hair appointment for now?"

So the Great Szerenko ...

... sniffed at Daphne, with all the haughty disdain a Hungarian Hair Stylist can muster, and huffed, "No matter! I am not a miracle worker, after all!" He then spun on the heel of his violet velour boot, snapped his fingers and stormed off, leaving Daphne alone in the foyer of his cave.

She blinked a couple of times, then pressed the fingertips of her right hand to her lips, suppressing an explosive guffaw surging up her throat. "Oh, well!" she thought, "I'll need to find another stylist after my cave is redone." In the interim, she decided to find a more suitable attire than the garish costume she currently wore. That salesman had been extraordinarily good, actually.

So, the harried Daphne hurried to ...

...get everything ready for the decorator, because the decorator had sent a pigeon that morning to say she and a MAN would be arriving the next day, instead of the day after that.

So Daphne went into a panic, because she was planning to move into another cave while hers was being done, however the decorator said you won't have to do that, we'll do one area at a time, so you'll only have to move out for one night.

Then the decorator said, 'we're doing the tiling as well aren't we?' 'No', said Daphne, 'only the upper floors of the cave, not the downstairs bathing area, we emailed about that'.

Then the decorator said, 'Right magnolia gloss' and Daphne sighed, 'No', she said,' we emailed about that too (well pigeons) and I said White Matt paint, you haven't bought it yet have you?'

'No', said the Decorator.

So Daphne dashed around moving a few things and decided the best policy was to t.r.y a.n.d R.E.L.A.X .... until tomorrow.

She was convinced that even if she didn't have to move out of the cave, she would be stepping round ladders, paint pots, dustsheets, etc in the upper reaches of the cave ...

She looked a bit sheepish, cos she does have a hair appointment already booked in a cave called 'Mirror Image', for the same afternoon that the decorator and MAN is arriving in the morning ...

So the next day....

(Hey guys, this is actually happening
in real life, in my home, aarggh!)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mags

(Hey guys, this is actually happening in real life, in my home, aarggh!)

---

Your posts did have that realistic, detailed feel to them. :p

Daphne yawned.. :grin:

... leaned back on her over-stuffed divan and plucked another cold grape from a heavily escutcheoned, silver bowl of ice. Popping the dark, sweet, seedless fruit into her mouth, she waved languidly at the brawny Nubian servant, fanning her with several large ostrich plumes, signalling him to stop. It was getting rather cool.

Daphne sighed. Things were rather quiet and tedious around here, since that roguish dilletante, Houseisland, disappeared. Street1 and El Squid were mildly entertaining, in a wild, monkey-like fashion, but they soon became rather tiresome. (Especially when they started flinging poo.)

Then the alarm clock went off and...

Daphne leapt out of bed, all flustered, started moving things from her cave into the cave next door, 'Do you mind if I lodge here for a while?' then she had to dash back and take the green slimy curtains down, move the drawers out of the rustic furniture, lug her bedding into the cave next door, dash back again and get those very new inventions called ELECTRIC things, unplug those, dash back to cave next door, shrieked, 'You got no plugs in here?'

Then threw some clothes on, no that was before she started moving things, then had some breakfast, doorbell went and in bowled the two lady decorators again ... then Daphne had to go and catch some food (she's got no man to do that for her, woe is her), dash back again and then a Pigeon text flew in, then a Pigeon phone went, then the Parchment Bank Statement arrived, and thankfully the lady decorators had made their own cup of tea ...

So with the morning not yet over, Daphne is absolutely shattered...

(And yes, this all
really happened
in my house !)

Enter stage right: El Squid, Panama hat and bamboo cane in tentacle, tap dancing furiously across the stage. Exit stge left.

Ta, da! :p

Enter stage left, waving at El Squid on the way, Daphne strolled to the middle of the stage and fainted, suffering from shock at the amount of Denticinarios she'd had to pay the lady decorators ...

And to her rescue came ...

And to her rescue came ...the next door cave dweller who happened to be a local...............

... Australopithecene, notorious for his good deeds and better nature. However, he was lacking in the spoken language department and the only thing he managed to get out were a series of grunts and high-pitched whistles. Not much help for the fiscally challenged Daphne, as he used berries and grub worms as coinage.

But, helpful he wanted to be, so ...

Australopithecene picked up a nearby bucket, filled it with ice water, stood over Daphne and..

...she shouted, 'no, no, please don't throw that cold water over me, please let's sit and talk, after days and days of disruption in my cave, well 3 days .. of ladies upstairs and ladies on the stairs and ladies in the kitchen and ladies in the loo and ladies dashing to their vehicle and ladies up ladders and ladies bending over ...

I could do with something different...'

So Australopithecene, with all the grunts and whistles he could muster, said...

So Australopithecene, with all the grunts and whistles he could muster, said...

Sorry, baby your wet!But, when he turned around as next door cave dwellers do

he saw the scary shadow of a maddened and tired woman................................

... making shadow puppets on the wall, with her hands. The bucket of ice water slipped out of his hands, spilling on the green slime carpeted floor, as he stared in slack-jawed wonder at the marvelous silhouettes cavorting on the cave walls.

"Grunt, whistle, grunt, grunt!" he exclaimed, happily, then sat down in a puddle of ice cold water.

Daphne watched the enthralled Australopithecene and smiled a cunning smile. She had the beetle-browed brute right where she wanted him...

.... or did she? If she stopped making the shadow-puppets, he would once again direct his full, albeit limited, attention to her.

So the daring lass..

So the daring lass..Had a trained pet Raptor that liked making shadow puppets before lunch.

Some of her hair raised up to give the pet the signal to.............................

...make more scintillating, captivating shadow puppets on the wall !

Then Daphne, the Australopithecene and the Raptor all decided there was too much ice cold water around.

So Daphne nipped round to the plumber's cave, the one who does extra jobs too, as well as plumbing and grabbed him by the hair and dragged her back to her cave ...

...to give a quote for moving the iced water, removing the cause of the problem and tarting up her slimy bathroom (she actually was the only one on the Planet to have a bathroom).

Then Geraint, the Plumber, said ...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mags

...make more scintillating, captivating shadow puppets on the wall !

Then Daphne, the Australopithecene and the Raptor all decided there was too much ice cold water around.

So Daphne nipped round to the plumber's cave, the one who does extra jobs too, as well as plumbing and grabbed him by the hair and dragged her back to her cave ...

...to give a quote for moving the iced water, removing the cause of the problem and tarting up her slimy bathroom (she actually was the only one on the Planet to have a bathroom).

Then Geraint, the Plumber, said ...

---

:grin: :grin: :grin: Go MAgs!!!

Then Geraint, the plumber, said, "The iced water removal will be 4 sea shells and half dozen nice feathers.

"Removing the cause of the iced water spill, won't cost you a thing", as she eyed the Australopithecene hungrily, "And, I'll work up an estimate for replumbing the loo."

She smiled and added, "It shouldn't take more than... say, two days."

Daphne knew the plumber was lying, and she was in for another harrowing ordeal, but what was a prehistoric gal to do?

Daphne needed reassurance about the bathroom repairs, so she said,
'What am I to do for two days with my toilet out of commission?'.

'No problem my dear', replied Geraint (having been called both a him and a her in recent memory had piqued the plumbers' interest in Daphne), 'You can just use mine. Just skip over to my loo, my darling.'

Daphne pondered again, and replied.....

'...oh I don't know, I don't know ... about using your loo? Although, I suppose if you are in my cave and I am your cave (are you a he or a she?), I will be safe.'

Daphne then had a fit of the 'plumbers coming out of your ears' .. her friend Claribell has had one in and was expecting another; her friend Franciscisus has got one in today and Daphne wasn't sure if she wanted a male or female plumber in, even if he/she has a free loo?

So Geraint replied...

... "Give yourself over to absolute pleasure!" and ripped off his/her disguise, revealing Dr. Frankenfurter, a.k.a. Tim Curry, dressed in torn black fishnet stockings. Riff Raff and the rest of the Transexual Transylvanians hopped in from the left and took a step to the right, while Eddie and Columbia rode by on his hog. Brad and Janet, clad only in their starched white underwear, stumbled in, looking confused, in the company of Rocky. Then, they all broke out into a chorus of the Time Warp, climbed the RKO Pictures radio tower and vanished in puff of smoke.

"What the blazes was that?" screeched Daphne, at wits end (Not to be confused with Bags End, where a certain hobbit dwelt).

The pet Raptor and the helpful Australopithecene, now attired in tuxedos and wearing heavy makeup, looked at each other, screamed like little girls and ran off into the sunset, hand in hand. Meanwhile, somewhere in the Heart of Darkest Africa...

.... a toilet dripped.

Daphne....

...screamed also ! 'This was turning from bad to worse', she cried, 'all I want is the bathroom sorted and I get the full cast of a horror movie rushing by .. and now I've lost my Raptor'

She pondered, 'I now have two quotes for fixing the drippings, do I choose the lady decorator's employee's which was rather a lot of sea shells or do I choose the rank outsider from the cave over yonder? He warned that if the old seaweed from around the bath were removed in order to put in one of those upside down turn me over roll me in the clover fittings underneath the sink, it would need a new fitting of seaweed under the bath.

He did say he could put in a new thingie where the water goes down the sink, however the prehistoric sink might crack, then I'd need another and they only come in white these days .. and that's rather cold ..

So she wept, cos there was no-one around to ask .. then ...

(and if you don't
think that some of
all this is happening
right here, well...)

... she had a brilliant idea and a light bulb flashed on, above her head. And, it promptly fell to the slimy floor and shattered, being as it was unsupported by anything. Startled by the unexpected pop of the breaking bulb, Daphne lost her train of thought. Yet, she managed to retain a unicycle of thought, which she hopped on and rode into town in search of the Great Gazoo, all-knowing, all-seeing smarty pants and all around wise guy.

Surely he could tell her if she should take the risk, try to save some sea shells and go with the neighborly advice,... or bite her lower lip, kiss a heap of clams farewell and go with the "professional" advice. But, would he....?

...she wondered as she pondered over the light bulb too, reminiscing upon the fact that before she started inviting people into the bathroom, she had been trying to get some kind of light guy, well not a heavy guy, a lighter guy but they had all looked the other way, shouting, 'oh no, not her' so her light bulb which she wants moved lower down so when it goes plop again, she can reach to put it back....and the light switch needs moving, but as no light guy has called her carrot back or thrown a pigeon her way or even a glimmer, she battles on with the sink problem .. not to mention the slimy garden path...

...so she looked into the Great Gazoo's eyes and ..