Funny one liners

I know that in techincal support we have alot of days where we just want to rip the heads off the customer or end user. Some times...actually alot have you ever had a customer/enduser say something so dumb that you either laughed or just got a blank stare on your face?

A couple of mine are as follows:
1) The screws look tight to me
2) I am running windows 97
3) The CD wont fit in the A: drive
4) Will it be cheaper without the CPU thingy
5) Defragging is for P*$$ys
6) I bet I am smarter than you

and the one thing I have always wanted an customer/end user to say "Your right, I am so sorry. Here is your going rate and the all the hours you put into my computer so far. Take your time and please make sure that everything is fix. In fact let me also buy you lunch and I will leave you totally alone to work. Thank you again for bringing you expertise to work on my system" *sigh* one day maybe

"How do you make capital letters?"

In reference to running out of hard drive space: "So, I need to buy that?" (points to a server tower case)

"What background colours do your monitors come with?"

In reference to a used motherboard with no drivers or manual: "Can you talk me through installing this?"

"The next time I buy a computer, I'm just gonna buy one that always works and never freezes up." (Leaves store in anger, heading for the Future Shop.)

Oh yeah, I've seen my share.

I usually don't keep track of the stupid sayings the (l)users have. Funny thing is the ones I respect as having some intelligence even slip up and say something stupid. These are not so famous one liners

-Would you install AOL for me?
-My mouse didn't come with a pointing device
-The screensaver won't work until I have not done anything for 30 minutes
-How come when I convert readersu.doc to readersu.xls it won't work in excel? (he just renamed from readersu.doc to readersu.xls)

NakedMessiah, had to point this out, your custom status makes you sound like you admire the state of Utah! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

I have a one liner that I use to answer any questions:
" Format , Reinstall , Sixty bicks!!!"

I had to get a new mouse pad because the old one said Macintosh and wasn't compatible.

I shoulda' bought a Packard Bell

Will more RAM give my modem higher GigaHertz?
(WTF???)

I think my computer has been given drugs. It has this psychadelic maze that keeps coming up. (5 shot minimum <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0"> )

They all have their days. Look at www.happyhacker.org in the humor section for an accurate assesment of users.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Wayward Clam:
<STRONG>NakedMessiah, had to point this out, your custom status makes you sound like you admire the state of Utah! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

---

ya, why not. I am addicted to Utah.

How about "I saved my Word document in the smallest font I could, but it still won't fit on a floppy".

"Defrag did't help my computer to run any faster, it still says PentiumII400mhz when I boot."

Got another one I should add that happened yesterday: "I don't need to trouble shoot, your the tech! Just do your fix it thing and leave me the F^$& alone!"

My boss (the network adin - and he knows what he is doing!) - when discussing nework bandwidth, measures throughput in mips! i.e. That is a 100 mips switch.

Here is a not-so-funny one: Dontcha hate it when a (l)user says "these computers are stupid", or some other put down of our chosen profession while ASKING FOR HELP??!?!?! <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

"I got an error message."

"Well, what was the message?"

"Ummm. I don't know."

"Well, what program were you using?"

"Ummm. Windows."

<IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

ARRGH! Touche, Mr PackRat.
I hate that one.

But I gotta say it's even worse when:
----

them = "I tried to [whatever], but it just
kept on giving me error messages, over and
over, like, 50 times."

me = "OK, what were the messages?"

them = "I don't know."

me = "Did you notice if they were different
messages or the same one repeatedly?"

them = "I don't know. Is that important?"

----

And even better, I've had some demand a diagnosis at this point.... grrrrrr..


== Wisdom is easy. ==
== Just think of something ==
== spectacularly stupid to say, ==
== and then *don't* say it. ==

Amen, Captain!

Those users are just like the ones that call tech support:

Them: "yeah, how do you *insert subject here*?"

Me: "Well, you just click...."

Them: "But that isn't how I did it before! Have you been doing this for very long?"

Me: GRRR... <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

Got another one:
Customer: "I am running windows NT 99 with no service pack and if you ask me again I am hanging up"
Me: Ok sir what OS *Click* <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Road Warrior:
<STRONG>How about "I saved my Word document in the smallest font I could, but it still won't fit on a floppy".</STRONG>

---

ROTFLMAO!

My favorite:

"Backup? What backup?"
"Backup? What's that?"
"I don't have a backup. Can you get my files (read: porn) back for me?" said the customer sheepishly, the melted remains of their hard drive on the service counter.

You know, the data recovery companies should be giving me a profit share from all the referrals I do.... <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0">

I dont think I have enough memory is that why I can save the file?

"No you need more hard drive space, your low at 1 mb"

Oh so how much would the memory be? Hey BILL! We need to get more memory for the computer the PC Tech says we only have 1 mb left.


<IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0"> ever get somthing like this?

Sorta, it usually goes:
Customer: I think I need my memory
Me: You do
C: Yeah my memory is not powerful enough to do stuff
Me: I'm sorry
C: Why? I am going to buy it.
Me: Oh! Are you talking about RAM?
C: Your a smarta$$, No sir/Ma'm I am a tech. You want to talk to sales.

Not very exciting but it gives me a chuckle during the day

I support 8 different softwares, with a total of 21 different and mutually exclusive versions, interfacing with at least 30 other softwares (30 common interfaces anyway). When I answer the queue, in addition to asking for their user ID and company name, I always ask them: "What software are you using?"

The inevitable end-luser's reply? "Windows."

Grrrrrrrr <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

They also sometimes just answer "$MY_COMPANY" (where $MY_COMPANY is the name of the company I work for. <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">

My favorite call :

User : "I spent 3 days trying to get to through your phone tree and speak to a real life person. I finally had to call your corprate offices to get someone to help me talk to you."

Me : (feeds some appologietic line about the phone tree)
"So, how can I help you today?"

User : "Well I bought this program and ever since installing, I can't boot my computer normally."

Me: "Is there any kind of error message associated with this?"

User : "Non-system disk, replace disk and strike any key to continue."

Me : "Do you have any disks in your disk drive?"

User : "Um...yes. Does this matter?"

Me: "I'd like you to remove the disk, and reboot your computer."

User : "How can I reboot from here?"

Me: "You could try the power button on your tower. That should work"

User : "But I've tried that before, and it always comes back to this screen!"

Me: "After you take out the disk, it shouldn't do that anymore."

User : "So...all my agrivation trying to contact you, and all I had to do was take out the f***ing disk?"

Me : (silence.)

This man was too stupid to remove the disk, or go through a simple 3-step phone tree.

Some people should have a license. (God, I hope he doesn't have children!)

Yeah I get the phone queue tree all the time. I get a real kick at of that too. We have a timer telling us how long they have been waiting on hold, what buttons they push to get into tech support, etc.. They call up saying they waited on hold for 30 minutes and they couldn't get into tech support. Well the option for tech support is "2" (not that hard). That and I get to tell them that we will try to cut that 2 minute wait for them buy hiring more people. I think it comes down to the "I am jock, I hate tech" thing.

User: Can you add someone to the "user can log on locally" right on my machine?

Tech: Sure, what machine are you on?

User: I don't know?

Tech: Oh ok... Just look on the machine. There is a sticker there with the computer name.

User: It says "Intel Inside, and there is another one that says Gateway"

My favourite customer request is:
'can i buy a box of irks, the computer says it's run out of them.' (i know its irq by thr way!)

Can I get a box full as well <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

my all-time favourite:

"can you format my modem please"

Quote:

---

Originally posted by NakedMessiah:
<STRONG> . . .The screensaver won't work until I have not done anything for 30 minutes
. . .</STRONG>

---

ROFLMAO

"I've been pressing the space bar for hours and the computer won't come on!"

"Ma'am have you tried the power switch?"

"Like I said I've been pressing the space bar for hours. It's your machine, it's broken and you need to come out and fix it."

"You do understand that it is a $120 minimum charge for me to come on site if the machine works correctly."

"I don't care - you need to fix it now!"

I went on site, walked up to the machine, pushed the power button and watched the machine surge to life, had her supervisor sign the ticket and submitted my bill.


Another user:

"Oh! you have to move the mouse? I would have just pressed buttons all day"

"Where is that ANY key?"
"HardDisk?, Gee lady i misunderstood you" <- a Joke...

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Divadrummer:
<STRONG>User : "So...all my agrivation trying to contact you, and all I had to do was take out the f***ing disk?"

Me : (silence.)</STRONG>

---

Ha ha that's my favorite part. There should be a string dedicated to the mysterious "Disk boot Failure" error message. There have to be a million hilarious stories about people with disks in the floppy drive. I love when people call 5 1/4 inch disks "floppy disks", and then call 3 1/2 inch disks "hard disks"

In no certain order:

"Where is the any key" (happened yesterday)
"The cup holder thingy" (I've never had it happen to me, but I've seen it referenced 100's of times)
This one two weeks ago: "What do you mean I should not drink Coke over my Keyboard, the D@*m thing should be spill proof for what I paid for it!" <IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0">
And lastly -
Coworker: "Well I got this email from my friend."
Me: "Did Norton filter it?"
CW: "Uh Yeah."
Me: "What did Norton say?"
CW: "That it was somekind of virus and that it was quaranteened."
Me: "So what's the problem?"
CW: "Well the system would not let me open here so I forwarded home and opened it."
Me: "Why in h@ll would you do that?"
CW: "Oh man the email said it was naked pictures of his wife and she is a babe..."
<IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

I know this is not a one liner, but this is close to the conversation I had with a salesperson in our office this morning.

-I can’t access my files and I can’t print
-Did you log onto the server correctly?
-Yes.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I put in my name and password, my password is {password}, right?
-Yes. Your password is case sensitive, did you use the correct case?
-Yes. I’ve done everything right but I can’t access my files, or anything.
-Okay, I’ll come by and take a look.
-. . .I thought you said you logged onto the server correctly?? In addition to your password, you have to first type in your username.
-What is my username?
-It’s the same as your email prefix. You know, the address you give out to customers.

AARRRGGHH!

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Divadrummer:
[QB]...Me: "After you take out the disk, it shouldn't do that anymore."

User : "So...all my agrivation trying to contact you, and all I had to do was take out the f***ing disk?"

Me : (silence.)[QB]

---

I actually had this happen with a lady who insisted I come down and do it for her.

I should have had her boss standing next to me while I expertly removed the disk from the drive of her employee (secretary).

For en endless supply of these, check out TechTales. Mandatory reading for techsupport staff.

This is pretty funny, atleast it is to me.
I was having a lady repeat an error message and I spell everything out using the military alphabet.

Me: S as in Sierra, N as is November
E/U: NO! That's N as in Narrow, you nit wit.
Me: (saying it much much slower) N...as....in. N.O.V.E.M.B.E.R.

When I get irritated at a customer for his/her stupidity.......I think.....Hmmmmmmmm if they weren't stupid and didn't screw this up it wouldn't cost near as much to fix and I wouldn't have a job. In the words of my father....."don't get mad...raise the price"