my first tech call of the day...

*phone rings*

C: This is Cameron

User: Hi, I was just trying to update the windows 2000 files over the internet, and..

C: Why would you be doing a thing like that?


U: You know, getting the new files.

C: I believe I know what you are reffering to, I was wondering why you would be doing such a thing?

U: Well, to get the new security updates, to make Windows secure, but the update fails, it cant connect to the server..

C: [insert chuckle] Righteo. Where the computers doing anything bad before you tried to do this?

U: um.. no.

C: Ancient proverb of my people; "If it aint broke, dont 'fix' it."

U: But..

C: *tappety* *tappety* ... the server at Microsofts end is broken. Leave it alone. (How would I know if its broken or not? I just bashed my keyboard..)

U: So you are saying that I shouldnt try and update it then?

C: In so many words. Cheerio.

*click*


Anyone else feel like sharing?

Oh yeah, users at this site have local admin rights... I hate that with a passion.

Heh.. and it just gets better..

*phone rings*

U: Uh.. my personal address book is gone...

* I go and look *

C: Yup, it sure is gone. Sorry about that, it must suck to be you right about now.

U: where did it go?

C: How should I know? I didnt delete it. This sort of crap happens when you give all the lusers admin rights to your PC. Have a nice day.

idiots.. i swear it.

I should write a book, damnit.

[quote]Originally posted by EvilCabbage:
<strong>C: Yup, it sure is gone. Sorry about that, it must suck to be you right about now.</strong><hr></blockquote>

LMAO!

OK, here's my go at it: (TRUE STORY)

Ring Ring

Me: Hello?
Boss: Hi, I'm in Prince Edward Island right now. I'm having a problem with my laptop. It won't turn on.
Me: When was the last time you charged it?
Boss: When I left the office (two days ago). I forgot my power cord at the office. I didn't think I'd need it.
Me: So what am I supposed to do about it?
Boss: Well I'm at the airport security checkpoint and they want me to turn on my laptop but it won't turn on.
Me: Like I said, what am I supposed to do about it?
Boss: Well I was hoping there was some way to turn on the laptop even though the battery was dead.
Me: Sorry, I can't charge batteries with telepathy. BTW, why are you calling me from a payphone?
Boss: I forgot the power cord for my cell phone and the battery is dead.

UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE. This is the intelligence that runs our company for pity sake!

ROFLMAO!!!

Thats hilarious! ... reminds me of the boss in Dilbert :D

Stupidity at the highest level is achieved in the call centres for end users.. I got tons of these stories..

Due to this, i've learned certain golden rules.

"Network Administrator" is a term computer tech wanabees use in order to make us think they know something. Every 1 in 50 of these people is an actual admin who knows his stuff. These 1 in 50 are the dream calls.

"MSCE" Is a person who has no hardware experience, has no idea what is wrong and want's to blame everything on you because he has his "MSCE"

"I'm pretty good on a MAC, but i've never used a PC" Be prepared to educate the user on the use of the right mouse button. Also during this entire call, all clicks must be defined, "Double left click, Single left click and single right click"

"Your network is down, FIX IT!" someone who always assumes that he's got money and adecent computer, therefore there can never, ever, ever be anything wrong with his computer.

"The Acronym guy" someone who wants to sound important by saying has many acronyms has possible. Deal with these people by refusing to use acronyms.

I've also learned the following defenitions.

Computer AKA, Hard drive, Monitor, Modem, box thingy and CPU.

Modem, "[insert company name] Box"

RJ45 cable, Phone cord.

Ethernet, NIC or Network card "[Insert company name] Card"

any of the following will result in a very short call, linux, unix, sunOS, beos, win3.11, winNT4.0, WinNT4.0 server, win2K Server/ADvanced server, netscape 6.X, MAC os 8.2 and lower, eudora, 2 nics, homenetwork, router/homegateway, firewall, servers and all third party software packages. Once the subscriber mentions he/she is running one of these, you state "Sorry sure, that's unsupported, please call back when your running supported software/configuration - click"

3am this morning, I was asleep (I live in a block of flats).

[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Bang bang bang]
Me: If it ain't life or death **** off I'm asleep!
[Tappity-tap-tap] (this ****wit just won't go away)
Me: [Answers door, not in a happy mood since I've only been asleep an hour after a bit of a session] What?
Some guy I've never met: xxxx tells me you **** around with computers, can you take a look at mine? [That really annoyed me]
Me: What? Now?
Whoever the hell he is: It'll only take a minute.
Me: If you're so sure it'll only take a minute, you must be better at ****ing around with computers than I am. [Shuts door]
This guy: C'mon! I need you're help!
Me: [Opens door with large knife in hand]

[quote]Originally posted by Outcoded:
<strong>3am this morning, I was asleep (I live in a block of flats).

[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Bang bang bang]
Me: If it ain't life or death **** off I'm asleep!
[Tappity-tap-tap] (this ****wit just won't go away)
Me: [Answers door, not in a happy mood since I've only been asleep an hour after a bit of a session] What?
Some guy I've never met: xxxx tells me you **** around with computers, can you take a look at mine? [That really annoyed me]
Me: What? Now?
Whoever the hell he is: It'll only take a minute.
Me: If you're so sure it'll only take a minute, you must be better at ****ing around with computers than I am. [Shuts door]
This guy: C'mon! I need you're help!
Me: [Opens door with large knife in hand]</strong><hr></blockquote>


I would have used it has an oportunity.. "At 3 am on a sunday night, your looking at $200/hour paid in advance per hour"

Corp CEO: *On Speakerphone* "I'm just starting a meeting here with some verrrry important clients...and my laptop isn't working with the projector! Get up here...right away!"

Two minutes later, I walk into the conference room, mind racing, ready to reformat the world...

IT Len, using years of training and experience, hits the *power* button on the projector. All is well, the company will survive for another day.

Not five minutes later...no kidding...same speakerphone, same guy, and now he can't print a document. I was afraid to ask the obvious question over the phone, so, went back.

You got it. He's not connected to the network. I plug the cable in and log on for him. Hey! Whaddayknow? She's printin' cap'n!

I heard later...we did not land the account.

My first call for today:

*ring* *ring*

Me: Hello?

User: Hi, this is 'Bob' from the maintenance department, wondering if you could have a look at this PC for us?

Me: Sure 'Bob'.. come get me. (its a 10 minute drive away, over a minesite, I aint walking)

*'Bob' comes to get me, I fix the problem, he brings me back to the office..*

Me: [idle chit-chat] So, how long have you been in Kalgoorlie 'Bob'?

'Bob': Oh, about four years.. Im finding the social scene a bit hard.. I mean.. its all pubs, and races, and while there are a lot of guys out there to spend time with.. you know, the younger ones.. 25 and such..

Me: [not quite catching on yet] .. Heh.. making me feel my age now, I had my 21st last week.

'Bob': Really?..

Me: [It suddenly dawns on me... oh holy jesus] Uh... yeah.. really.. ok, bye 'Bob'...

/me hides in office.

you'd better hid :D

I still get a kick out of this one..

"Well Mme, looks like you need a cable tech to come by..."

"Well, there was one here this morning, i don't think he did too much, he spent the entire time staring at my tits!"

[quote]Originally posted by Matridom:
<strong>


I would have used it has an oportunity.. "At 3 am on a sunday night, your looking at $200/hour paid in advance per hour"</strong><hr></blockquote>

Nah, that's daytime rate.

The one with the laptop and projector reminds me of when I was watching some of my fellow "computing" students trying to do a presentation using one.

After five minutes of watching them struggle with it (couldn't get a display on the projector). The lecturer asked if there was any "techies" in the room.

Several other computing students stood around prodding the laptop for five minutes trying to get the dual monitor setup in Windows 98 to work.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when I'd finished my crossword I got up, sauntered across, parted the crowd (a great skill, everyone who knows what they're doing ought to learn it), tapped Fn+F5 to switch the display, and went to sit down.

Everyone looked at me like I'd done some sort of voodoo until one brave soul asked what I did...

"Tech magic" ;)

[quote]Originally posted by Outcoded:
<strong>"Tech magic" ;) </strong><hr></blockquote>

Classic answer! I'll have to use that at my earliest convienence! :D :D :D

[quote]Originally posted by Outcoded:
<strong>3am this morning, I was asleep (I live in a block of flats).

[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Tappity-tap-tap]
[Bang bang bang]
Me: If it ain't life or death **** off I'm asleep!
[Tappity-tap-tap] (this ****wit just won't go away)
Me: [Answers door, not in a happy mood since I've only been asleep an hour after a bit of a session] What?
Some guy I've never met: xxxx tells me you **** around with computers, can you take a look at mine? [That really annoyed me]
Me: What? Now?
Whoever the hell he is: It'll only take a minute.
Me: If you're so sure it'll only take a minute, you must be better at ****ing around with computers than I am. [Shuts door]
This guy: C'mon! I need you're help!
Me: [Opens door with large knife in hand]</strong><hr></blockquote>


At 3 in the morning, I answer the door with a LARGE sick smile on my face, eyes bulging out and a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun in my hands.

And I dont care about what you are gonna try to explain to me. You wont finish.
:mad: :mad: :mad:

[quote]Originally posted by EvilCabbage:
<strong>I should write a book, damnit.</strong><hr></blockquote>

You could submit to <a href="http://www.techtales.com" target="_blank">www.techtales.com</a> :D