Moral Dilema...

I know this isn't computer related, but I could use a little advice. Most of the people here are very smart , inteligent people.
Here's my story in a nutshell...
My exwife and I have been officially divorced for 2 months now. We were married for 14 months when she announced she wanted a divorce. She left me because she "Needed to find herself". This turned out to be BS. The main reason was because she wanted to party with her friends. I let her go out when she wanted, I never held her back from anything. I love her very much. When she told me that she wanted a divorce, I begged and begged. It crushed me. She wanted the divorce so bad that she had the lawyer lie on the paperwork about the separation date. I went along with it becuase I didn't want to drag it out longer. Well prior to and for a little while after the divorce I tried to get back together with her and she wanted nothing to do with it. Even though I was aprehensive about it, keeping in mind that she might do this to me again. I've spent thousands for therapy since Feb, and I've come a long way. Speaking with her family, she has a history, or pattern if you say of creating chaos in her life, (relationships, jobs, etc). I've noticed the job problem. She gets bored and changes jobs every 6 months or so. Well, she tells me last week that she wants to get back together. She has a boyfriend, and I asked about that, she said that she would leave him. We had some disagreements durring the marriage about moving out of state, etc. This is a major issue. I don't know if I want to put myself through the hell I've been through again. She says she wants to make it up to me, but I see us falling back into the same rut we got into again. Now, to complicate things a bit, I've been seeing someone. I'm beginning to feel like I'm falling in love with her. It's too early to say, and in no way am I going to jump the gun, but she is amazing. But I still love my ex-wife. Messed up? Yeah...
I told my Ex that I needed to think about it, and she keeps pressuring me. She's known in the past if I was seeing someone after we split, it never bothered her. Now she's upset about my girlfriend. My ex doesn't know how I feel about my girlfriend, and I'd like to keep it that way for the moment. Part of me wants to take her back, but a bigger part of me wants to move on with my life. I've talked to a lot of my family members and friends about this, the general consensus is to move on. I'm still torn. I really want to explore things with my girlfriend, we have more in common than my ex and I ever did. She's very sweet, more responsible, and more respectful. But my Ex and I were so much in love at one point, and happy. I just don't know if I can forgive and forget.
Hopefully after this longwinded post, someone will read this that's been in this situation before, may have a little insight.

Thanks for reading...

RUN Run far. Ran Fast. Keep running. Stop when you reach a new state, maybe.
If her family has seen this streak in your ex to get "bored" and live in chaos - she's not going to change. She's especially not going to change in 2 months. And the new girlfriend? I don't think that's a hot idea either. Staying single until you sorted all this, and yourself (finish the therapy) out is probably the best way to go.

Just my .02

Move on....
It sounds like she has disrespected you and your feeling time and time again. She knows that you are a "sucker" or a "fallback", don't let her use you again. Move on, stay with the current girlfriend. I think you already know the answer of what to do, and I understand your need for the strength. You are doing it right by not going it alone and asking for help.

Once again, move on...

Well, no matter what direct advice anyone gives you on the situation, the decision will still be up to you. You've got to sit down and find out what you really want. And you also need to find out if the option of having this happen to you again outweighs the option of never being with your ex again. Either or, you will come to a point that you will understand exactly what you have to do. It may be after a day, a year or maybe just a few beers. In any instance, I would advise making the decision on your own and, definately, not involving the influence of either your girlfriend or ex.... they will cloud your mind :)

yah...how fast can you run the mile...
but as you are in theropy, and i don't know you all that well what do your theropist say?
woman, can't live with, and they can kill you in quake, not good not good.

Save yourself ! She sounds like a true borderline. Do yourself a favor and get over her. I suppose now she's bored with her new boyfriend ? Don't let yourself believe you are winning by getting her back. Just my 2 cents. I've been there.

Do NOT take the ex back. Sounds to me like she thrives on the chaos in her life, and creating it for others. I also agree that she is most likely bored with her current situation, so here she is creating chaos again...

As for the new g/f, you have to do what makes you happy, but it sounds like you guys are off to a good start.

Think of it this way, if you went back to the ex, would you always wonder "what it?" with the g/f now?

It sounds to me like the ex put you through hell and you are recovering, don't let her take that away from you by going back....

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I appreciate the early responses here. And moving on is what I'm leaning twoards, but I still love her. And drewmaztech, I'm not critisizing your advice about staying single and figuring myself out, but I was feeling grounded with my life again until she asked me to take her back. This has thrown me for a loop. and I want to make the right decision. I don't want to live with regret. Just last night on the phone she was in tears begging me. Telling me that I was right all along and that she would do anything to make it up to me. I just don't know if I can trust her and I don't want to go through all this again in a year or two.

Chosen, you sound as if you are thinking straight. I understand your reluctance to just tell her no, especially if you loved her that much.

But I agree with your statement of thinking it may all happen again in a year or two.

These life altering decisions suck. But it sounds like she really did a number on you and you are strong and recovering from it. But could you go through this again? Is she worth hurting yourself over again? I don't even know you or her, and I say no one is worth opening yourself up to that hurt again for a second time. The pressure she is putting on you to make a decision disturbs me as well....

Take care and you are in my thoughts.....;):(

If you felt grounded and this new relationship was going in a good direction, then go for it. She's probably good for you, then. Just move on with your life in the direction you want it to go and don't let anyone pull you back. I'm also thinking of your new gf and how she'd see an ex come back and mess with her life now, too.

Wouldn't want any cat fights

;)

Don't do it dude. You might love her, and she might say she loves you, but leopards don't change their spots so easily. You have no gaurantee she won't do it again, and do you really want to risk that kind of anguish a second time?

From the mouth of Tom Leykis: "Dump that bitch!!!"

I once lived with a vicious, controlling, power monger. I left.
After some a$$ kissing, I caved and gave it a second chance.
Worst thing that ever happened to me!
Cost me tons of money and self respect.
I'm with a new love now, and have never questioned my decision to leave...not once.
Don't do the same mistakes as the people try to help you put a fresh perspective on this. Take your new sweetie by the hand, turn your back and don't look back! Don't put blinders on... if her family sees the pattern of destruction, then ...
If, for some unknown reason, you decide to try the relationship again, don't jump right in... test the waters for a long time!

Whatever you decide, just be careful!!

I think she sees you as a point of order in her chaos... and would like to use the security you provide until, that is, she has had enough of being stable again....

Sorry I am with the others... RUN! unless you are going to accept that this will happen every few months and its part of loving her... it means that she can have anyone and anywhen, but you only get her when and if she feels that way inclined. That is one hell of a onesided relationship, if you think you can handle that, then go ahead, otherwise RUN!

Tough situation. I know there's a part of you that wants to go back to the familiarity and the great times you had as a couple, but my experience is that she will do the exact same thing again next time. It's hard not to give into it, and you may never know that you made the right decision, but you have to trust yourself. Deep down, you know she'll do the same again.

Two expressions come to mind

If you're born round, you won't die square. - comments on how hard it is to change your own nature.

The best way to learn is to make mistakes. - the trick is in learning the lesson after making the mistake for the first time.

I say move on. There should be no regret about it. You say you still love her and have been through therapy. You also say that you have a new girlriend. Therefore chosen one, I say that its time to let the past stay in the past.

Don't hook back up with your ex-wife. If she really loved you, then she would have gotten marriage counselling if she really believed there was a problem.

The choice will utimately be yours and good luck with whatever you choose. :) :)

Sure, this is a blanket statement, but too often true, "a person's past behavior is indicative of how they will behave in the future."

My advice, avoid her like a palestinian flag waving person wearing a trenchcoat in the summer, walking up to a synagogue...

I've been in a similar spot with an ex*that sounds disturbingly like yours in some aspects*, and everytime I took her back, do you know, the same sheeyat occured like it did before...and I'm hoping you're better at pattern recognition than I was..it took me frikkin years time to realise everytime she said "things will be better," they never were..

Sad thing is, even though I finally called it quits for good with her years ago, and wish I could get those wasted years of my life back, some strange part of me still loves her

Don't forget the past and the good times you and the ex had, but DO remember what she did to you at the end and what it did to you,when you get nostalgiac for "the good old days" It helps, believe me

And for what its worth, it sounds like your current lady, is stable and loving, and some one to explore a possible future with.
:)

Oh, your friends and family's advice? THEY'RE RIGHT!!

cheers!

Well, thanks everyone for all of your input. And moving on is the way I'm leaning. It's just hard. But again, I appreciate all the advice. I know it's hard to give advice to someone and about someone you don't even know. My ex is by nature a sweet caring woman, she's just got issues. Several to be exact. But anyway, I'll keep checking back to see if anyone has more to add. And I'll update as soon as there is one for anyone who is interested in this little chapter of my life. I need to make this decision soon because it's not being fair to her if I drag it out.


Thanks again!

Take it from an old fart (well not as old as Spiff ;) ), RUN!!! Wait a minute that's what Spiff advised! Seriously though you want to put a whole bunch of space between you and your ex. Alas it is sometimes difficult to make lucid decisions in affairs of the heart. Good Luck!

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Originally posted by Major Kong
Take it from an old fart (well not as old as Spiff ;) ), RUN!!! Wait a minute that's what Spiff advised! Seriously though you want to put a whole bunch of space between you and your ex. Alas it is sometimes difficult to make lucid decisions in affairs of the heart. Good Luck!

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LOL! Yeah, take the advice of a couple old farts, bail out now before it gets further out of control. We've both been there and done that and, if not, we've seen people who have... :eek2:

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Originally posted by Chosen One
My ex is by nature a sweet caring woman, she's just got issues. Several to be exact. But anyway, I'll keep checking back to see if anyone has more to add.

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Is she really sweet or is that how you perceive her? Love clouds the mind and leaves us vulnerable. Seen so many people think the world of a person who was so obviously bad for them.

Quote:

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I need to make this decision soon because it's not being fair to her if I drag it out.

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Good luck. Oh, and as a parting bit of advice - If you had to ask this question in the first place - you have to go. If you were in a healthy relationship - this would never have come up.

You are always going to love your ex. No getting around it. But that in no way means you should be together. Move on.

Run. She is still "finding herself" (whatever that means?!) and you dont want to be riding that roller coaster.

Here's another vote for "MOVE THE HELL ON!"

I would agree with the general consensus (sp?) here. You should move on.

She seriously hurt you once, a type of hurt that can only come form someone you love, trust, and let them see your 100% true self.

Whats to say after you let her back in and things get back to 'normal' she won't try it again?

It could easily turn into a cycle that you will be seriously hurt in every year or so, like clockwork.

She leaves you, you get a divorce, she has fun, she comes back to you, return to step one.

In life you have to watch out for YOU. If you take her back, you're just leaving the door open for you to be hurt, again. Sure, it will be very hard, and at times like this you will need your (true) friends and family more than ever.

You sound like a great guy, you gave her almost total freedom. You respected her, you stood by her while she made career changes when they wern't necesary.
She's the one that f'ed up, not you.

Be strong, be smart, and don't think with whats below the belt. ;)
Keep your head on stright, and you'll be fine before you know it.

Sounds like you will need some time for you. You said you still love her, well, thats normal. 14 months of marriage (and I don't know how much longer the relationship was) is a long time to just forget overnight. When you're "over" her, it will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Good luck and be strong. We're here for you. WIndrivers is more than a tech board, its a community.

As someone who's had similar experiences, I also suggest that you stop seeing/talking to this person.

Feelings are extremely difficult to go against, but as you've explained it yourself, your mind (whether consciously or unconsciously) is telling you to run away. Be wise about this and don't let your feelings alone decide what comes into your life.

You may come to the conclusion that a second try is a possibility anyhow, but make sure that she and you have been single for a while to avoid any "rebound" problems.

But for now, keep your distance.

You'd probably be better off without her but sometimes people need to grow up. If you love her you'll take her back but it will take years to trust her. You've gotta ask yourself if your willing to risk that much when you've already been burned once. Look for signs of maturity in her and also in yourself. ...and if she's jumping from him to you, don't let her live with you. Grab a book on co-dependancy.

I can understand your pains. Your biggest problem is that your brain & everyone is saying RUUUUUUUN, but because she is always calling you and planting these little "I love you" in your ear, your heart is saying "Stay".

NooNoo is right, you are her dock in her unstable ocean of life!! But believe me, she likes to sail my friend.

She may stay docked for a while but the sea will always call her & one day she will let the wind fill her sails (or other things) and she will be off for another voyage again!!

I used to date a gal like this (damn ho). It may be hard to look through the haze that she is planting in your head, but take it from us experienced folks. Turn your back, dont take her calls, and if you feel weak, seek your present g'f company!! This should help.

If she did it before she WILL do the same thing again. Dont take her back dude! Ive been there before and its only worse the second time.

On the note of the other GF. IMHO you have to be happy and stable in your own life before you can give your all to anyone else. I wasnt able to date someone until I was happy to be alone. The special things never come around if your always looking for em.

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Originally posted by Wayward Clam
Here's another vote for "MOVE THE HELL ON!"

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Yup, yup, yup! That's what I told him! Yup, yup, yup! :)

Don't make the mistake of going back.
keep moving forward and only look back when you need to draw on learning experiances..

I would guess that trust is 90% of all relationships, in your heart of hearts you KNOW you can't 100% trust her.. and that alone will be what makes your next 1-15 years with her (if it manages to drag on that long) and absolout misery...

If your new chikkie makes you happy, draw on that heavily.

just a little joke to cheer you up..

Four Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet.

From Tish ...I was to lazy to switch names

Well Hopefully you can come to a answer thats right for you and makes you happy and gives you the security of knowing what you are doing is best.
You know she had her chance with you. She made promises to you either in front of God, or your friends and family that she would love you honor you and obey. And she didnt keep them. Why would she now.

You are now divorced and that seems best since she couldnt honor your marriage ,why would she honor your friendship. Moving on with your life is seems is a better choice. Why WASTE your time on something that didnt work out. Theres so many people in this world and im sure theres one that can treat you with the dignity and respect and honesty that she didnt.
Dont waste any more time on something that is over and should stay that way.
Words are words actions speak louder than words and she spoke long time ago by what she did to you.
You are the better person you forgave and you opened your heart to her and she walked over it and now wants to repent.To late.
She can find someone else im sure. She needs to get the message that you are strong in your decision. That you are not going to take anyone hurting you like she did. That you have moved on with you life and with someone that you are opening your heart up to again.
I trully hope that you are happy and dont let someone walk over you and come back to have the chance to do it again.
I can tell you this. If someone hurts me such as my husband by cheating ,lying, hurting me or my children... Hes gone so fast his name is but a long lost memory.
Even after many years I will still hold to my convictions that Im not going to take any one stepping on my heart and thinking it will forgive and forget. Such as I exspect him to be as well. He once was hurt by someone who treated him poorly. And he understands now that he is worth more than that. He understand that I love him enough to help make him stronger and not let someone hurt him like he was before.
Does she honestly love you ???
In what I read... Im sorry I dont see it.
I see her in need and she knows that you are a caring and loving person she can fullfill a need that no one can right now.
Is that what you want to be a security ?
Time will pass and the hurt and longing for someone that you were in love with will pass. It will also heal.
If she trully loves you she would want you to be happy with your new intrest or on your own.. She would know that shes not right for you any longer.. She would know that you need to move on and want to see the best for you. Shes putting her needs first..
Its time you put your needs first.

Get a "RealDoll". She'll never hassle you when you go out for a night on the town with the boys, she's real quiet, and she'll never have a headache... :D

http://www.realdoll.com/images/coverdollz2.jpg

I wanted to thank all of you who replied to this topic for the advice. I also want to give an update just so you all know what's going on. Things between my new girlfriend and I have been awesome. She is the greatest woman I have ever known. I feel I made the correct decision and I don't regret it a bit. My ex still calls me from time to time, but she has come to terms with the reality of things. At least it seems that way. :) Anyway, thanks again everyone...

Glad to hear it Chosen! Congrats! :)