reason why answered

I've started a new forum to explain why I wish to die when the time comes. My family, doctors, specialists are all aware of my wishes, they may not like it, but they'll respect it.

Long story short!!

Fall, 1996, I was rushed to a hospital after collapsing and feeling like H*ll.
My electrolyte levels were out of sink.
After all the bloodwork and ultrasound tests, it was confirmed my 2 kidneys failed. Both were only functioning at 3%. Well below normal levels. They never fully developed and eventually wasted away. It had nothing to do with diabetes.

For 6 months, I was on a crappy restricted diet, feeling week, sick and tired, had to take steroid injections just to keep my energy levels up and had to do dialysis to filter out the buildup of contaminants in the bloodstream, one of the primary functions of the kidney. Here's a link regarding more info on kidney failure and dialysis.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/k...ddialysis.html

In apr. of 1997, I received a call saying they found a near match for me for a kidney transplantation from an unknown deceased donor.

Kidney transplant was a success with some minor rejections, but it all worked out eventually. I now have to take anti rejection meds for my transplant just so my immune system doesn't kill off the transplant. I had some side effects and started developing kidney stones in the transplant.
I had up to 6 kidney stone blasting treatments to get rid of the stones, but it had limited success.

I ended up having risky surgery this past July to take out all the stones in the kidney itself. But there was a slight risk that this surgery may damage the kidney.

They successfully took out all the stones and I was on medical leave for 3 weeks to heal up.

But now as of late, lab tests are indicating my kidney is slowly failing. I'm on some different anti rejection drugs to see if that will help. I hope. My kidney specialist is keeping a close eye on me. I have to have bloodwork and urinalysis tests on a daily basis. They have some other things to try.

If my kidney does fail, I will have to go back on dialysis and wait for another transplant unless I have a compatible living donor, my brothers or parents probably have a match, but I don't want to have them go through what I had to go through.

I swore to myself that I will not go back on dialysis or another transplant again because I had such a bad experience from it all.

I promised myself to this day that if my kidney goes!!! I go!!!
END OF STORY.
I don't care what they say, I'm not going through this again!!!!
If it means I will die, then so be it!!!
Yeah, people will lose a loved one, but life goes on!!!!
I like any other dead person will eventually be forgotten.
As far as I'm concerned, dying is not such a bad thing!!!

I've accomplished as much as I can, I'm ready to leave when the time comes and it may be soon.

:sad:

Now all who read this now know why.

That's why I was asking about the quickest way to die in the other forum.

Ive decide how I'm going to do it.

For me, it will be out on a prairie somewhere inside my car with an air hose connected to the exhaust pipe.

I'll just sleep away a painless death.

I'll still be around for the next little while.
But it'll happen soon.

Do you have any kids? Just wondering.

My dad just commited suicide the end of July and I'm telling you that what I feel I would never wish on my worst enemy.

Just take a minute and stop thinking of yourself (even if you have the right to) and think about your family.

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Originally posted by Gollo
Do you have any kids? Just wondering.

My dad just commited suicide the end of July and I'm telling you that what I feel I would never wish on my worst enemy.

Just take a minute and stop thinking of yourself (even if you have the right to) and think about your family.

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Thanks for your concern and sorry to hear about your loss.
I'm sure your dad was a good man, even though I never knew him.

But my decision stands!!!

I will not go through this whole thing again.

I don't have a wife or kids, just single.

I've always been single, because I didn't want to have a relationship due to my health problems.

I have 2 parents and 5 brothers, I'm the oldest and living on my own, working as a computer technician, system builder.

I guess you, and you alone only, can make the decision when enough is enough. I don't know you from a hole in the ground (other than your posts here), but is there nothing more you wish to accomplish in life despite the hardships involved? I don't know man...the alternative to life is so permanent.
Don't laugh it off.... take a look at Mattie Stepanek

Inspiration from an 11 y.o.


"I want people to know my life philosophy, to remember to play after every storm."
— Mattie Stepanek

Thanks for the info Shamus!

I know there are other people who are in a lot worse shape than me and have shown tremendous courage and strength of character despite all odds.

In 1999, my step grandfather passed away from intestinal cancer that spreaded to his lungs. My grandma only married him 5 years before that. my original grandfather passed away in 1981 from a heart attack. I was only a toddler at the time and barely knew him.

I just have had enough of surgeries and having to take time off to recover.

I consider my kidney transplant to be a curse, not a blessing. I should have died back in fall of 1996.

First of all, let me say that I'm against suicide unless you are a murderer or a rapist.

Second, if you had another transplant and it was 'successful', is there any chance that you could lead a normal life without being tied to doctors for the rest of your life? If it's even a slight possibility you should hang in there and go for it. Life is very precious, even though your body is not what you would like it to be, you gotta remember you have been blessed with the gift of life. Don't take it for granted.

If you are deadset on ending your own life, talk to your family beforehand and make sure they understand why you're doing it, and answer any and all questions they have. My stepmother killed herself when I was 12 by leaving the car running in the garage (funny you should pick a similar way). She had cancer and had been going through chemotherapy for 2 years, I guess she finally just gave up. Anyhow, I think this is a coward's way out, she left me with a lifetime of guilt and many questions as to why she did it. While suicide may solve all of YOUR problems, think about what effect it will have on the rest of your family.

I hope you change your mind and keep living in this crappy little world of ours, but if you don't, please at least inform your family of your plans so they don't have to deal with the same type of guilt and questions that I do.

Peace brutha...

You wont hear me tell you not to.. I'm an atheist Por-choice.. you do as you wish.. as I do.

But I ask that you consider your choices when you are having a great time and are feeling on top of the world, suiciders normally make their choices when they're very depressed and the there doesn't seem to be a way out. It's dangrous to blow your one and only chance to avoid being worm food when your biased and in your darkest hour.

Also make sure that the way you do it and timing doesn't inconveince people too much.
Do you really want to die leaving a HUGE debt to someone that you do care about ? (also onthat subject make sure you have a "legal will", as making your familiy go through that crap is not pleasant).
I always figured I'd do it in a very cold area.. so my body doesn't decompose too much.. I'd hate to be the one to give an ambo or cop or familiy member horrible HORRIBLE nightmares about finding me decomposed and bloated with maggots etc... yuck.. :uke:

Make sure you've thought carefully about it mate.. theres alot you haven't seen and a lot you don't know.. it'd be a terrible waste if you didn't make your 'mark' on the world.

Good luck.

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Originally posted by imaeditedbysowulo
[B
I hope you change your mind and keep living in this crappy little world of ours, but if you don't, please at least inform your family of your plans so they don't have to deal with the same type of guilt and questions that I do.

Peace brutha... [/B]

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Sorry to hear about about your step mother.
I have already informed them about it.

I have told them about how I will do it.
I won't leave them in the dark.
I'm not very close to my brothers, we are opposite in interests, preferences and so on.

My parents understand my situation, because they were with me when I went through all this in the first place.

There's a chance that a 2nd kidney will be successful for me, but I never be free from the doctors. I will always have to do monthly followups with them just to make sure my kidney is okay, in case I need to adjust my dosage, and so on.

I have had enough of medical stuff.

I don't consider suicide as a coward's way out.
I consider it as a permanent fix.

If someone kill's someone for any other reason than self defense, war or euthenasia, then they are cowards.

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Originally posted by -Senectus-
Also make sure that the way you do it and timing doesn't inconveince people too much.
Do you really want to die leaving a HUGE debt to someone that you do care about ? (also onthat subject make sure you have a "legal will", as making your familiy go through that crap is not pleasant).
Make sure you've thought carefully about it mate.. theres alot you haven't seen and a lot you don't know.. it'd be a terrible waste if you didn't make your 'mark' on the world.

Good luck.

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Since when does death become inconveneint?????

:confused:

Death happens out of the blue/anytime/anywhere.
There isn't always a scheduled time/place unless you are in your deathbed.

I have no debts, my dad will handle my will.
I don't deny about depression, but I have made this promise to myself ever since I had the transplant. So this isn't a new thing for me.

I admit I haven't seen everything and haven't done everything I could possiblely do, but many people don't get their dreams or goals done even in a lifetime.

"it'd be a terrible waste if you didn't make your 'mark' on the world."

Interesting choice of worlds. Mark is my first name.

Coincidence or what???

I am sorry to hear that you feel the way you do. I have a friend who has kidney problems and is on diaylisis but I guess I still don't know what your going through. Im sure there are things that you still want to do or see and that should be enough reason to live. I can't stop you but i will pray for you starting tonight and every night until I hear something and I know God will hear my prayers. I don't know what else to say except talk to god and I wish you the best.

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Originally posted by cookin chef


Since when does death become inconveneint?????

:confused:

Death happens out of the blue/anytime/anywhere.
There isn't always a scheduled time/place unless you are in your deathbed.

I have no debts, my dad will handle my will.
I don't deny about depression, but I have made this promise to myself ever since I had the transplant. So this isn't a new thing for me.

I admit I haven't seen everything and haven't done everything I could possiblely do, but many people don't get their dreams or goals done even in a lifetime.

"it'd be a terrible waste if you didn't make your 'mark' on the world."

Interesting choice of worlds. Mark is my first name.

Coincidence or what???

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Death is inconveneint if you park yourself somewhere where you wont be found for 12 weeks and the temp is 40 deg C, so that when someone does find you your a revolting mess.. If you have some control over your method of death and being found.. have some decncey to make it as clean as possible for the poor buggers..

I'm telling you from experiance that not having a written 'legal will', will make life hard and EXPENSIVE for your immediate family. Make one, get it cert, your doing them a BIG favour.

You don't want people to RESENT you after your've left do you?
I mean whats the point of having existed at all if after you left people that you care about are hurt or worse.. driven by the above circumstances to suicide themselves..
Your in control of your destiny.. don't waste that..

Chef,

Remember, this choice is yours alone to make. As you said, you have no wife, no children to look after. If you are suffering daily, I respect your choice.

Guys, just remember...very few of us here, if any, have ever been in this position Chef is in. It's one thing to want to die just out of depression...it's something else entirely when you're in physical pain, and suffering every waking minute of the day. Personally, I think if I were in his shoes, I'd probably make the same conclusion. There comes a certain point in illness when you're not really "living" anymore in the true sense of the word.

Chef, good luck. Whatever you chose, peace be with you.

I believe in assisted suicide for those it chronic pain and in some other cases as well, however...

Being on dialysis or not having kidneys is hardly the end of the world. You can’t drink beer and do drugs and you need to watch what you eat. Boo hoo. You can still have sex, kids, drive a car, and do most everything that you could do before with some limitations. I have a bud who has not had working kidneys for most of his life, has had 3 failed transplants (one of which almost killed him) and he keeps on truckin’. You have had an operation to remove the stones so I take it that you are not in physical pain now. I don’t care if you get offended but it sounds to me like you are just being a pansy. Grow some b@lls and stop feeling sorry for yourself. This all sounds like a big call for attention otherwise you would not have burdened everyone you know including several people around the world on the internet.

My 2 cents. Tough Poop if you don’t like it cause a lot of people are gonna feel this way if you kill yourself because you don’t like the inconvenience of doctors.

There are new treatments for dialysis

My friend Kristina just got a dialysis implant...its a pump/filter placed in her abdomen with a resevoir, it filters her blood without the need for being hooked up to the machine... She can then after a few weeks drain the used filter fluid and have more pumped back into the resevoir. Except for the tube that sticks slightly form her lower abdomen, you'd never know it was in there. And she can do it from home..

From whats she's told me, its relatively painless and shes putting weight back on again, she can get back to mostly a normal diet and her QoL is quite good. Please look into it, ask your healthcare provider, I will be MORE than happy to get you any additional information about it that I can. PM or email me: anastusfocht at yahoo dot com

Giving up when theres still hope and things to try is quite frankly, a cowards way out. Where life is, hope remains. I was never supposed to walk again without an cane or braces after a terrible accident, but you could never guess that now..but it is your life and YOUR choice, just don't make that decision without considering ALL POSSIBLE ANGLES 1st

please think on it..

my brother in law was kinda in the same situation as you but a little more worse.

he was a deabetic but was in the worser level of the desease.
anyway he was going threw a depression, he is in his 30's now and has been in and out of the hospital since he was 12 years old.
he hates the hospitals but he is strong and a fighter.

he also was on dialasis. we always preyed for him he was actually pronounced dead three times in the hospital but then revived.

but when he had his daugther he would fight. he also got a transplant but it went bad and the organs didnt do anything, he needed a kidney . his body couldnt clean its blood and no insylin.
but the operation didnt work out he was even more depressed to top it off he had to take the pills that kill his immunie system and still go to dialisis. the doctors told him that if he doesnt go to dailisis he will die also every time he goes to dialisis he is playing russian roulet because if a small infection or anything gets caught in his blood stream he will die.
to top it off he got hit in the eye with a water pump and he is blind from one of his eyes.

so he was depressed because he knew he was going to die. my family prayed to god for he can see his daughter grow up.
the wierd thing that happend is like a month or two later his transplanted organs started working again, the doctors couldnt explain it.

so my brother in law is doing fine now, he still gets sick every once in a while since he doesnt have an imune system.

hang in there god is with you and so are all of us

Chef, do you have any kind of belief in life after death, any religious affiliation at all?

If you do, than blame god for treating you like crap all these years, and devote your life of pain to satan worship just to pizz god off.

If you don't then it would be real stupid to kill yourself, eh? Between pain and nothing, at least pain is Something. And you can still catch an occaisional sunrise or snowfall even if your back aches like a b1tch and the meds make you sick.

Don't pizz your life away man.

SUICIDE = TeH POINTLESSS!!!!!!!11111111

suicide is ghey!

I have always had very strong feelings regarding this matter. I will try to hold them @ bay so I can say what I want without blowing anyone out of the water and starting a flame war.

I have always felt that if a person is too weak whether physically, mentally, or spiritually to deal the the trials and tribulations of life then they are best off ending it now and saving all of us the trouble. I personally have never thought about ending it. It is not my place. I was given this life for whatever reason, whether it be from God, Buddah, the Tao, it is not my place as a mere human to decide when to end it. When it is your time, it's your time. No amount of medical help will stop death when your number is called. For a mere human to stop their own life when they want to is taking the power of all that is into their own hands. I see it as a small, scared child wielding the power of God.

Never give up, never surrender, no regrets. When it is your time there is no stopping it. And if you stop it before that, may God have mercy on your soul because @ that point in time, you may very well not have a friend in the world not to mention the next.

Just my 2 ¢

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Originally posted by Akuma
I have always had very strong feelings regarding this matter. I will try to hold them @ bay so I can say what I want without blowing anyone out of the water and starting a flame war.

I have always felt that if a person is too weak whether physically, mentally, or spiritually to deal the the trials and tribulations of life then they are best off ending it now and saving all of us the trouble. I personally have never thought about ending it. It is not my place. I was given this life for whatever reason, whether it be from God, Buddah, the Tao, it is not my place as a mere human to decide when to end it. When it is your time, it's your time. No amount of medical help will stop death when your number is called. For a mere human to stop their own life when they want to is taking the power of all that is into their own hands. I see it as a small, scared child wielding the power of God.

Never give up, never surrender, no regrets. When it is your time there is no stopping it. And if you stop it before that, may God have mercy on your soul because @ that point in time, you may very well not have a friend in the world not to mention the next.

Just my 2 ¢

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I'm kinda with akuma on this issue. I'd also add with as much respect as possible that I feel when you were granted the priveledge of recieving the transplant you owed it to everyone on the list below you, and especially those who passed on while waiting for their organ, to put up the good fight until the bitter end. If you didn't plan to do that you shouldn't have accepted the transplant and if you don't do it now then you were a waste of a good donor organ and lots of medical resources. there are lots of people waiting for donor organs who would happily live in discomfort and the inconvience of taking tons of medications and visiting the doctors every other day.

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Originally posted by snooper2
I am sorry to hear that you feel the way you do. I have a friend who has kidney problems and is on diaylisis but I guess I still don't know what your going through. Im sure there are things that you still want to do or see and that should be enough reason to live. I can't stop you but i will pray for you starting tonight and every night until I hear something and I know God will hear my prayers. I don't know what else to say except talk to god and I wish you the best.

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Thanks!! My problem is having more surgeries again.

I've had it with surgeries!!!!

I'd rather die than have to be cut open and restiched or restapled 2 or 3 more times again.

Enough is enough!!!

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Originally posted by -Senectus-


Death is inconveneint if you park yourself somewhere where you wont be found for 12 weeks and the temp is 40 deg C, so that when someone does find you your a revolting mess.. If you have some control over your method of death and being found.. have some decncey to make it as clean as possible for the poor buggers..

I'm telling you from experiance that not having a written 'legal will', will make life hard and EXPENSIVE for your immediate family. Make one, get it cert, your doing them a BIG favour.

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I'll make sure to inform the police through my cell phone before it happens out away from the city.

I'll make sure to my will cert.

Thanks for the info.

Chef, at least makre you last days on this little rock worth something, Strap on a bomb and find Sadam! Just kidding.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Makes all my little gripes and complaints pale in comparison.

Anyway, you should really stick it out! At least to see the next Star Wars & the next 2 Lord of the Rings!!!!!

If you are really going to do it why don't you find something constructive to do and rid us of some of the worst scum before you go?

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Originally posted by cookin chef



Thanks!! My problem is having more surgeries again.

I've had it with surgeries!!!!

I'd rather die than have to be cut open and restiched or restapled 2 or 3 more times again.

Enough is enough!!!

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My god you are pathetic.

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Originally posted by Cleetus


My god you are pathetic.

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Heheh, you always had a way with words!;) :D