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My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the computer and threw out all my beer.
Oldy but a goody :D :D
Jokes? You want Jokes?
Try here:
http://www.rodney.com/rodney/home/home.asp
Romper Room
Start buzzin' buzzin'. Here's your chance.
Everybody's doing the Do Bee dance.
Just let your wings fly, your arms fly too.
Then buzz around round and round... Do-body-doo!"
I was never on ?Romper Room", but here is my clearest memory from watching it as a kid:
I would sit on the floor of our house (which was really a chicken coop behind my grandparents farmhouse. Yes, we were that poor), my fingers dug deeply into the golden shag carpeting, my tiny fists balled with anticipation, as Miss Nancy would hold up her magic mirror and ask it to tell her, ?did our friends have fun at play?? I would sit up straight, stare into the glorious black-and-white 13-inch Zenith TV and wait patiently as she saw Steven and Jody and Tina and Todd and Michael and every--body except WIL! Hey! Miss Nancy! I'm sitting right here! I've had LOTS of fun at play! I did the DooBee dance! I ran around pretending I was a fireman! I HAD FUN AT PLAY! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME?! AM I INVISIBLE?! *pant* *pant*
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l9...1-1/aenm-1.jpg
Smart Man Searching For The Stars! :grin:
Subject:Wedding Dress
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told
the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth
wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what
type
and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The
sales
clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong
way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who
are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness,
"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe
it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any
first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we we re checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on
our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately
and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be."
__________________________________________________ ______________
Dear Abby:
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
friggin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
The King of Kwarizmia was recruiting a new bodyguard. After intense competition, the field was narrowed down to 3 finalists; a Japanese Samurai, a Shaolin Monk, and a Texan.
"For your final test," said the King, one fly shall be released for each of you. Whoever shows the greatest skill shall be my bodyguard, and rich shal be his reward!"
No sooner had the King said these words than a servant stepped toward the Samurai and released a single fly from a box. In one motion, the Samurai drew his sword and cut at the fly, which fell to the ground in two pieces.
Next, the servant approached the Monk and released a fly. The Monk leaped into the air, spun, and delivered such a vicious kick that the fly was crushed in mid-flight and fell dead to the floor.
Finally, the servant moved to the Texan and released the final fly. The Texan drew his revolver and fired two shots. The fly wobbled in the air for a moment, then started buzzing around the room.
"Look at you!" laughed the King. "What a poor excuse for a fighter you are! You couldn't even kill your fly!"
The Texan looked the King in the eyes, pushed his hat back on his head and replied, "Well, your Majesty, circumcision isn't supposed to be fatal.
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,
"Be off wi' ye, ye'll no bring it back!"
One summer night during a severe thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small son into bed. She was about to turn the light off when he asked in a trembling voice, "Mommy, will you stay with me all night?" Smiling, the mother gave him a warm, reassuring hug and said tenderly, "I can't dear. I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence followed. At last it was broken by a shaky voice saying, "The big sissy!"
Frequently seen bumper sticker around College Station, Texas: "Honk if I'm an Aggie!"
The truth is funny. :grin: I have been there.Crying asking my wife if she'dQuote:
Originally Posted by Ferrit
sleep with me during the storm. :grin:
Sleep? Who the heck can sleep during a storm? Unless, perhaps, they are physically exhausted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by slgrieb
:grin:
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
__________________________________________________ ____________
When a woman wears leather clothing, A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think
irrationally.
Ever Wonder Why?
She Smells Like A New Truck !!!!
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Donald."
"Well.... I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald."
"Well.....I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald."
"Well.....I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Donald."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper.
"Aye," said Donald.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation.
Donald blurted out . "Dinna ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye - enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.