[RESOLVED] And the Angels lit the candles....

[godofuq]

We haven't had a joke thread in a while. Time for a new one.

At a large Catholic church, a choir was performing. During one part of the show, an alter boy was supposed to reach around from the back curtain and light three candles with matches while the choir sang, "And the Angels lit the candles..." The evening's performance was well underway and it was sensational. The part came and the choir, looking towards the three candles, sang, "And the Angels lit the candles..." Unfortunately, there was no alter boy... no matches... no candles lit. So, the choir, a little louder this time, once again sang, "And the Angels lit the candles..." Again, no alter boy and no lit candles. So the boisterous choir, almost yelling this time, once again sings, "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES..." From afar, a small voice behind the curtains rings, "And the cat pissed on the matches..."



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I feel like a little worm on a big f*****g hook.

-Aplustech

[Spork]

LOL

That was pretty funny.

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"Damn the man. Save the Empire" Mark - Empire Records

[Fierce1]

LOL!

That was good. I was trying to figure out what the ending would be!

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Go big...or go home!

Things to do when bored at Wal-Mart:
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.

[godofuq]

Figured I'd give you guys some more. If your day is as boring as mine, you'll need 'em.


A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"


Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts Your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Subject: Why did the chickem cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give
the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they
wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire
makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?


A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen
table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."


LITTLE JOHNNY PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class,
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He 'replies,"None' they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says
"I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."


Math Class

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?'
I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fu**ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says,
'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".


Grammar

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.
All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"


Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,"
he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......fu**ing beautiful!'"


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I feel like a little worm on a big f*****g hook.

-Aplustech