India Probes 'Alien' Deaths - M&S on the case

[Archer]

Seems they`ve finally landed

First came the feared 'monkey man' - now villagers in India are being attacked by 'face-scratching alien'.

Hundreds of petrified villagers have rioted and are demanding police protection after several people were killed by a 'mysterious being.'

And in a scene straight out of the X-Files, the Indian government has sent in its own Mulder and Scully to investigate the strange goings-on, the Times of India has reported.

Villagers in Uttar Pradesh say the object - a flying sphere emitting red and blue light - strikes in the middle of the night, leaving victims with burns or scratches on their faces and limbs. Around 65 people are said to have been injured.

http://www.sky.com/skynews/

[Archer]

An Additional alien theme:

A recent survey showed a sizable chunk of Americans fear abduction by aliens, and over the years thousands have come forward claiming they've had alien encounters. You can even take out insurance against alien abduction if you're feeling particularly jittery.

http://www.sky.com/skynews/

If you've been feeling a little strange of late (too much coffee doesn't count) then perhaps you should check yourself against our guide to some typical abduction signs. (Alternative explanations in brackets!)

Have you had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more? (Don't panic: your watch could have stopped.)
Have you discovered unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them? (Don't panic: you probably had far too much to drink the night before.)
Have you a memory of flying through the air? (Don't panic: flashbacks to your last holiday, which ended with a bit of a bumpy landing at Heathrow.)
Have you seen beams of light outside your home? (Don't panic: call the council - the streetlights are on the blink again.)
Have you had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings? (Don't panic: you are an avid X-Files fan after all.)
Have you a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform? (Don't panic: your boss asked you to do something for him at work today...)
Have you gained psychic abilities, the power to read thoughts or predict the future? (We'd like to say don't panic, but in this instance it's probably best if you went to see a doctor.)

[Papa Smurf]

Lets just try and answer some of these questiosn.....

If you've been feeling a little strange of late (too much coffee doesn't count) then perhaps you should check yourself against our guide to some typical abduction signs. (Alternative explanations in brackets!)

Have you had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more? (Don't panic: your watch could have stopped.) - Yes I lost 2 hours on Saturday night, I remember being in a bar then waking up at home in my bed. Where did the 2 hours go?? How did I get home??

Have you discovered unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them? (Don't panic: you probably had far too much to drink the night before.) - Yes I woke up 4 days ago with a scratch mark on my chest. I wasnt drunk but I'm 99% sure it wasnt their before Smurfette and I went to bed. Also I found some red marks on my neck when I woke up.


Have you a memory of flying through the air? (Don't panic: flashbacks to your last holiday, which ended with a bit of a bumpy landing at Heathrow.) - Yes I remember I was falling from a great distance, The ground seemed far away, I was screaming, Then the parachute opened.......THANK YOU GOD


Have you seen beams of light outside your home? (Don't panic: call the council - the streetlights are on the blink again.) - Yes I saw about 15 blue and red beams shoot up from the ground to around 500 meters in the area. This lasted about 30 mins. During this time I heard rock music and people screaming.


Have you had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings? (Don't panic: you are an avid X-Files fan after all.)
Have you a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform? (Don't panic: your boss asked you to do something for him at work today...) - Yes, Everytime I walk past the alocohol sections I feel like I am FORCED to buy something. This has happened since I turned 18. Smurfette has the same problem with clothes shops. What is causing this????


Have you gained psychic abilities, the power to read thoughts or predict the future? (We'd like to say don't panic, but in this instance it's probably best if you went to see a doctor.) - Again YES. I have as I can foresee what Smurfette is going to say to me when I arrive home from a lads night out at 6:30 in the morning stinking of booze. I am almost word perfect on this. I can also predict I will have a hanogver about 6 hours later.

[Spaceman Spiff]

Papa, I guess you've proven that their is an explanation for all these mysteries. (You might want to ask Smurfette to file her fingernails... )

[Cobra X]

Maybe they should send my dad to investigate it. He seems to know aliens pretty well.

[Archer]

I wasnt drunk but I'm 99% sure it wasnt their before Smurfette and I went to bed. Also I found some red marks on my neck when I woke up.

Perhaps its a variation on the Indian alien [rope]trick