Tech Support: Thank you for calling HP, how may we help you today?

Me: My microphone doesn't work, I tried detecting new hardware, and I tried searching for the software, but it just doesn't work. Is there any way I can restore the machine?

Tech Support: I'm going to need you to go to 'Start, Settings, Control Panel, and add new hardware.'

Me: But I already tried that!

Tech Support: No, if you had tried it, it would have worked.

Me: Ok, fine.

5 minutes later

Me: It's done, there is no new hardware.

Tech Support: Do it again.

Me: why?

Tech Support: Because you must have made a mistake.

Me: ok...

Another 5 minutes

Me: Same thing.

Tech Support: Ok then, I want you to go into your hardware profiles by going into the start menu and choosing ALL PROGRAMS---

Me: That's not how you get into the hardware profiles, and I'm using the classic start menu.

Tech Support: I need you to switch to the regular start menu please.

Me: What??!!

Tech Support: I cannot help you if you have the classic start menu.

Me: Ok, fine. Done.

Tech Support: Now go into the hardware profiles and tell me what you see.

I read it off.

Tech Support: That's strange. There should be an ethernet card in there.

Me: I don't have an ethernet card.

Tech Support: Could that be why your sound isn't working?

Me: Doubt it.

Tech Support: Well, it is possible that the computer thinks the driver is there---

Me: It's not even in the hardware list!

Tech Support: But it is just not working. This could be a problem.

Me: Really?

Tech Support: I need you to restore you computer.

Me: How?

Tech Support: Go into start....

I started the restore

Me: now what?

Tech Support: Pray

(Click)