A Christmas tale...

[meatwad]

...as blatantly ripped off from the Cartoon Network's Aqua Teen Hunger Force and as told by The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future.



Greetings humans. For eons your pathetically fragile ancestors have passed down a curious yet completely ridiculous tale of a fat man in a red suit who gleefully distributed toys to all of the good girls and boys of the Earth. But now in the present I shall tell you the truth of the past for you to carry into the future.



THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed.



A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon, because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way.



The ice had made the globe invariable. Santa Ape did not know where the North Pole was. How could he? He was born before science existed. So he arbitrarily placed his workshop RIGHT HERE, in New Jersey, long before they unionized, and Christmas was celebrated at each full Moon in front of a great red ape.

Now you know the TRUTH about the origin of your Christmas. Take heed of my story, for it is written that the Red Ape will one day return to this planet with his army of elves from the red planet, and there will be much defication.

[NooNoo]

Your xmas turning poolike too?

[nunob]

Poo!

[meatwad]

It makes me sad that their presents were made of doo doo.

[Stalemate]

So, if I understand this correctly, See's candies go way, way back.

[meatwad]

So, if I understand this correctly, See's candies go way, way back.

See's candies were brought as a distractory offense against the red ape during the initial elfin invasion.

[Stalemate]

See's candies were brought as a distractory offense against the red ape during the initial elfin invasion.

I see.


It all makes perfect sense now.

Thanks.