Topics to heavy here so read this joke

[Gameguru]

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said :

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to the airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[+Daemon+]

[quote]Originally posted by Gameguru:
<strong>The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said :

"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to the airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
</strong><hr></blockquote>

AHHAHAHA so true so true

[MacGyver]

Good one. I guess that could be applied to just about any phone support.

[PuterGeekGirl]

LMAO!! That is GOOD!

[Poseidon]

LOL



A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

[Fierce]

Those are good...great for ending a crappy day.

[Cleetus]

I love this one as a representation of my work day.

While flying his hot air balloon a retired business man became lost.
He saw a small town in the distance and slowly lowered the balloon close
to the ground until he saw a young man walking down the street. He shouted "Can you tell me where I am?" The younger man decided to have a
little fun and shouted back: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
over main street." The older man quickly responded, "You must work with computers!"

This time the young man laughed and yelled, "As a matter of fact I do
work in information technology - how did you know?" The older man
replied, "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is of no use to anyone." Not to be outdone the young man
said, "Well, you must be in business administration." This caused the older man to laugh and ask, "That's right. How did you know?"

The young man explained. "It's easy. You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but expect me to help. You're in exactly the
same position you were in before I helped you, but now it's my fault."

[Imagenatas]

[quote]Originally posted by cleetus:
<strong>I love this one as a representation of my work day.

While flying his hot air balloon a retired business man became lost.
He saw a small town in the distance and slowly lowered the balloon close
to the ground until he saw a young man walking down the street. He shouted "Can you tell me where I am?" The younger man decided to have a
little fun and shouted back: "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
over main street." The older man quickly responded, "You must work with computers!"

This time the young man laughed and yelled, "As a matter of fact I do
work in information technology - how did you know?" The older man
replied, "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is of no use to anyone." Not to be outdone the young man
said, "Well, you must be in business administration." This caused the older man to laugh and ask, "That's right. How did you know?"

The young man explained. "It's easy. You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but expect me to help. You're in exactly the
same position you were in before I helped you, but now it's my fault."</strong><hr></blockquote>

Hehehhahahahhahaha LOL ROTFLMAO...........I'll share this with the fellas!

[Imagenatas]

Let me add a few.

Prayer for the stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work : 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays. And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly under paid technical
support staff of a computer support department near you...
1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say
you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't
technological psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your
computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of
death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be
damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about
computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact.
We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is
broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't
call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're
doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than #3.
Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already
tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of
destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to #4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even
what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno
bulls**t to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak the same language we do. This might seem
like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and
assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no,
just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of
the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different
than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's
screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same
thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then
he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would
need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if
you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to
offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer
suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simply admit what you did to cause
this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride
will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then
we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a
computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a
double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you
insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $45 an hour to
teach you, because we won't do it for free.

Another one!

Did you hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft
employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in the training department,
and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in the sales department,
and he kept telling her how good the next release would be.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying,
"Don't worry, it'll be up any minute...."

[Mayet]

Baby Gates and Microsoft

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, they'll


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[Mayet]

Actual Newspaper Headlines

1.
Something went wrong in Jet crash expert says
2.. Police begin campaign to run down jay-walkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is there a Ring of Debris around Uranus
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda mating fails: veterinarian takes over
12. Soviet virgin lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus ear waives hearing
48. Deaf College opens Doors to Hearing
49. Air Head Fired
50. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply