Forgive and Forget...Forgive and Forget...etc...

[Morticia Addams]

Seeking some Windrivers Wisdom

This has been on my mind for a while not just because of today but..
My mother and me have had a bad relationship since I was 11 and she left me and my two year old sister for another man. She left us with our Father (thank God for that since he is a wonderful man) when she left.
Well we had many confrontations ,some at home, some at her work some outside a police station,some arguing and crying and some with fists being thrown at each other and all to no avail to her coming home.
I have never felt that my mother has been in my life when I was younger, I stayed a lot at my grandmothers house because I liked it there and my dad thought it better then being at her relatives homes. My life is a blur when I was with my mother I cant remember any of it ,I think I chose to block it all out.She made many choices that hurt us and helped her life with her husband, She chose to live her life for a man rather than for her children. I after many years forgave her and let it go.
The home me and my sister were living together in before I got married was finally by the courts rules to be sold or split. My father went to court to buy the home from her so that he could give it to us so we could live in the home ( me and my sister)
He asked her if she would sign over her half to me and he would sign his half to me so we could have the home.
She wouldnt she said she wanted her money.
I asked her to please let us have the home and not make my dad give her the money. She got all loud on the phone and said I WANT MY MONEY .
I told her I dont want anything ever to do with her. And I told her she doesnt have a daughter or a grandson dont ever contact us again.
This has been at least a year now that I havent talked to her.
My father is the one who said to me a couple weeks ago that I should forgive her. I said I did and she messed up again and hurt me.. How many times can I take this womans iggnorance and forgive.
Then I think of all that I have done and I would like forgiveness in my time of judgement and I think I should try and do the same.
Any thoughts ?

[NooNoo]

I see a lot of shoulds and oughts between the lines you wrote Tish... How much have you been swayed by the media and other influences about what relationships you should have with your relations.

You are not her. You don't understand her motivations, even if she explained them I don't think you would either.

Has she contacted you? Has she given you the opportunity to understand?

Forgive her to release yourself but don't think it will release her or change her in any way. This is about you, not her.

[Lycia]

I think I understand what Noo is saying, that no matter what your notions of motherhood should be, this woman will never live up to them.

I say move past it. Do not waste anymore time worrying about it or her, you have other more important things in your life to waste them on a person who wants nothing really to do with you. Accept it.

[Akuma]

Make peace with yourself regarding the situation, and release her like chaff in the wind. Remove that which destroys the balance in you life and you will find your life to be peaceful once again.

Buddah himself could only be patient with the fools three times.

I think you have done all you could. Your mother is bound to that of the earth and nothing else. It is time for you to release her and restore the balance to your life.

[kato2274]

I'm a firm believer that in order to recieve forgiveness from me you must ask for it. That doesn't always mean actually saying "please forgive me" but your actions must show that you've changed the behaviosr and attitudes that hurt me.

My mother and I had a very rocky relationship. she was both verbally and physically abusive towards me and my sister growing up (I can't watch Mommy dearest, saw a few minutes and started flashing back) She has never truly apologized for her behavior to either myself or my sister but the behavior has stopped and her attitude seems to have changed judging by her actions towards me. So I have forgiven her. I will NEVER forget

Basically I try to judge people on their present behavior and attitudes with a wary eye towards past behaviors and attitudes.

Now whether or not you feel you can handle giving her another shot at showing she's changed is something you really need to think over. If you do expect her to have not changed at all and put the burden of proof on her to show that she has. That way you won't be as hurt is she still is acts like an a$$hole. Once you've hurt me really bad, you are guilty until proven innocent.

These things are never easy. good luck

[Shard92]

I don't like giving advice on this type of thing, but I think NooNoo is right here. It's about you and your son. Forgive her? Yes. Contact, I'm not so sure... Maybe to some extent, but you have to protect yourself and your son. If you can handle it and realize it probably never be what you think it should be... Fine see her. The child on the other hand is very tough. I have similiar circumstances to some extent. My Brother ( 1of3 + 2sisters =total 6 of us and he is the only one saying this ) won't turn his portion of Moms house over to me. I have lived with and taken care of her since i graduated college 12 years ago. She was almost completely blind and very hard of hearing also. Sorry, anyway she planned to give me the house, which the entire family knew of. She planned on doing a will after the holidays of 2000. However she died the monday before thanksgiving. My Brother ( and only he) insists that he should get his share of the house and will not allow me to be the owner.... I believe it is his wifes idea, but I still talk to him but I realize that we will never be close again.

I also have a niece ( not his daughter ) who is ruining her and her sons (2) lives with some guy. Do we see her and tolerate her, yes. Do we invest alot of love and caring in her, no we try not too.


Sorry for the length of this but I guess what I'm saying is... If you can handle having a relationship and not get to involved fine but don't make yourself vulnerable to get hurt again. It's just not healthy.... Trust me I know....

[Shard92]

I see a lot of people replied while I typed... I just want to say one last thing after reading there posts. You SHOULD try and forgive her, but not for her. Hate, and anger are not healthy either. If you hang on to them, they will just eat at you. They don't solve anything either. She will continue to be who she is whether you remain mad at her or not. Don't let her keep victimizing you..... hope this helps... And remember you always have friends here!

[Akuma]

Originally posted by Shard92
Hate, and anger are not healthy either.

I am not trying to make light of the situation but good wisdom is good wisdom...

...hate leads to anger, anger leads to suffering.

[kato2274]

Originally posted by Shard92
Hate, and anger are not healthy either. If you hang on to them, they will just eat at you. They don't solve anything either. She will continue to be who she is whether you remain mad at her or not. Don't let her keep victimizing you..... hope this helps... And remember you always have friends here!

a very worthy message that bears repeating

perhaps it's just semantics on my part but to me there is a difference between doing the above and forgiving a person. Many people have hurt me and I have moved on, written the experience and them off and accepted both for what they were. I am no longer angry with them nor do I constantly think about them or their actions. I am essentially indifferent towards them with no feeling about them one way or the other. they are not forgiven in my view of the word. But I am at peace with the incident(s) and my feelings that surround them.

[Shard92]

Kato I think it is a matter of semantics. As far as what you describe and what my meaning is. But I guess I'm also considered a very forgiving person. I may forgive someone but that doesn't mean our relationship hasn't been changed by their actions.

Akuma thank you is has been sometime since i've been accused of being in the least bit wise. ( also not making light of things )

[Morticia Addams]

Thanks all The only reason it really came to light is that she is in town right now, I think trying to contact at least my sister I know for sure.. She doesnt know I moved or where I moved to. I got a page at work today and no one I know paged me so I thought it might have been her looking to see if I was back at this location.
I guess its true like some one said, I am still looking for that mother figure I want so much in my life but the one I have is not wanting to be just a mom to me so I will have to let that pass and move on.. This year has been much better since I shut her out of my life and mind.. I will let it be. I will forgive and just let it be at that. I guess. I will just park my truck in the garage and go about my normal day.
Thanks all for your thoughts..
METAFOR Guess a horse sometimes keeps coming back after you beat the heck out of it .. Time to get the big guns out now ...

[ilovetheusers]

Hope you're feeling better. I think that no one can give you advice on this issue and you need to do what you think is the right thing for you and your child (her grandson). If you do choose to accept contact from her you may want to evaluate her for yourself before you allow the little ones to see her, or be seen.

[Akuma]

I hope that you can find peace and balance with this situation. "Family" conflicts are, in my opinion, are the worst. Good luck to you and my the Tao hold you in it's ebb and flow.

[Shard92]

I agree this does need to be your decision and like was also said, protect your son. Realize if you do let her back in, she may hurt you again. People can and do change, but changes for the better are very HARD and not very frequent.

Akuma you now are speaking wisdom. Family conflicts are the worst. I've been through more than my share and they really do stink but you can get through them. You do however need to look out for yourself, just because they are family doesn't mean they will. Different people deal with things differently so you need to decide what is best, I think you already know in your heart what that is..... Dealing with things now is an absolute either. If she does actually change, your relationship with her can too. Be carefull. Protect you and your son. Our thoughts/prayers are with you.

[cookin chef]

As Dear Abbey always mentioned before she passed away a couple of months ago,

Try to get some counselling if the grief becomes too much. I'm very sure that despite what happens, it is your mother who will eventually realize what she is missing because of the her selfishness and lack of insight on her part. I'm very sure that Tazz is very supportive in your situation and I hope for the very best for both of you.