Rewrite Star Wars Original Trilogy to match the Prequel...

[RIOT]

Found this thread on a Star Wars fansite about rewriting the OT to match the stuff from the PT. It's pretty funny although very, very long (63 pages at last count).

[paraflyer]

What if Star Wars was set in Glasgow ?

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill, and be called shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink, and invariably sport a Rangers or Celtic top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to stert a fight with him would would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress as "That Dome-Heided Basturd"

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10PM because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray paintd/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages, C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "Greetin-faced poof from Milingavie"

The Milenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess leia would get captured by Darth Vader because its hard to run very fast in 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps, especialy when you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all-out attack. Two easy ways would be, alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics, or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular.

Hans Solo
I've got a real bad feeling about this
"Ahm ****tin ma sel' here boy"

Bring em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f***ing lot o ye"

There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi' the rain"

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid
"Nae messin aboot wi the God squad an auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
The Force is strong in this one
"Stoap shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"

Princess Leia
Youre' a little short for a stormtrooper aren't you?
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis"

This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past the blockade
"Wuv got NAE chance in this pile of ****e"

Obi Wan
I feel a great disturbance in the Force
"F**k me! whit wis aw that?"