Charmin Rant

[Stalemate]

FYI, Major Kong's entries in the Rhetorical thread spurred this on.


Charmin Bathroom Tissue = the devil.

My wife thought it would be a cool thing to do than to purchase some Charmin rolls to try after being subjected to the cute propaganda of the "bear" ads.

It almost tore us apart.

Let me explain a bit.


Here is what the website says about this product:


It's soft, cloth-like, and more absorbent that the regular stuff*. That means a comfy clean for the whole family, and that's a clean you can get behind. Comfy clean. Cha cha cha Charmin.

*vs. leading regular bathroom tissue.






All reflections to the insipid tone of the advert aside, I must warn you all to the un-truthfulness of this text and the results implied in the TV commercials.


Simply put, Charmin will smear your buttcrack over and over again until you've gone through 2 rolls. I kid you not.

This stuff is so "soft and smooth" that they must have coated it with teflon.

The underlying composition might very well be absorbent, but you'll never find out because of the slip-and-glide job it will do when you use it. Instead of actually working like other brands, it will spread defecation around like it was waxed paper.

To say that this paper is soft would be an understatement. It is soooooooo soft that your fingers will poke right through if you apply any kind of pressure to it! I almost ripped myself a new one quite literally. Bastards.

I thought it may have been an isolated incident by I was given the opportunity to repeat the experiment over and over again after a particularly copious serving of jambalaya one evening.

This is an especially difficult situation for those of us sporting hair in that area. Trust me on this: The TV commercials are blatant lies because there is no way in hell that a bear could use this product without there being a whole mess of feces being flung about from stained fingers as they go through the paper when it snags. And it will snag unless you're hairless in that area.

The only way those ads can be truthful is if all those cute teddies are polar bears that have used the product. Please note the fur colouring in the following which would tend to support this theory:





While trying to deal with this situation, even if I usually have a calm and serene attitude towards life in general and am used to changing diapers and the like, I must admit to screaming, raving like a madman and tossing the leftover rolls of Charmin Ultra right out the window. Literally. Idiots.


My couple is now safe, having removed the offending demon-posessed product from our home.

I implore you to be careful, should you ever have to use this particular brand.

Thank you for your time.

[imaeditedbysowulo]

I like the Angel Soft brand the best.

[GrandDad]

That reminds me of the movie Dumb & Dumber or something ,
I hope you didn't have your BlackBerry with you during those trying times as now it would be a BrownBerry I suppose .
Maybe its time for a little vacation at your local Stress Resort , it can be a very fun place to forget your worry's , don't worry about the white jacket with long sleeve's they have you wear as all guests will be wearing one and then you won't look out of place , also those little colored mints they will give 3 times a day will make the world seem like a much cleaner place .



p.s. If you can get someone to touch your BrownBerry while your there have them let us know how your doing .
Good Luck .

[amyb]

Charmin costs alot..I like the Kleenex brand, costs as much but does not hurt the bottom line.

[Stalemate]

In retrospect, I think the BlackBerry would have done a better job wiping than the hellspawned Charmin.

Just look at that ergonomic shape with the rounded corners:




Almost perfect "scraper" shape.

I bet you nothing would snag if you used THAT instead of the ridiculous Charmin.

[GrandDad]

In retrospect, I think the BlackBerry would have done a better job wiping than the hellspawned Charmin.

Just look at that ergonomic shape with the rounded corners:




Almost perfect "scraper" shape.

I bet you nothing would snag if you used THAT instead of the ridiculous Charmin.

a bit more expensive I would think ,
go ahead and give that Resort a call now !

[Stalemate]

a bit more expensive I would think ,
go ahead and give that Resort a call now !

I'll have to use the land line...

[GrandDad]

I'll have to use the land line...

be sure to tell them you need a room (without a view) today , Ok .
you can have one before you go .

[GrandDad]

I think I may do a C&P of this to spread around the globe .


if you have no claim of Copy Rights to it .

[Major Kong]

You see Adept there in lies the problem. Charmin never professes to be the most hygenic or the most effective at doing what it does. It just says it's the softest. What you need is a... Washlet E200- Starting from: $660.00 Ask an expert!Trim. Sleek. Advanced technology. Upon activation, the automatic wand extends to provide a gentle stream of warm aerated water. The result? An unparalleled level of comfort and clean. For maximum soothing, we included a massage feature, a warm air dryer and a temperature- controlled heated seat with energy-saver functionality • Convenient Remote Control
• Warm Air Dryer with Three Temperature Settings
• Heated SoftCloseÆ Seat with Temperature Control
• Soothing, Aerated Warm Water



Now thats the ticket...

[Stalemate]

If that comes with broadband Internet, I'm buying.

[Tekboy]

This whole thread seems to be a crock of ****.

[Tekboy]

This whole thread seems to be a crock of ****.

Hey, don't look at me. Someone HAD to say it!

[NooNoo]

Yup adept, I bought one 4 roll pack - then I went back to loving my bum with quilted velvet.

[Stalemate]

Yup adept, I bought one 4 roll pack - then I went back to loving my bum with quilted velvet.

See?


SEE?!?


I'm not crazy - somebody out there agrees.



Were my comments an accurate description of your own experience, Noo?