It just made me laugh

[Student^2]

Everyone,
The IT team felt that it would be good to provide you with this guide to help us do our jobs better:

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to
know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When IT Support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line
from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number
and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.
13. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many
weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black
holes.
> 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them
is bound to work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable
under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very
happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't
sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
21. When you find an IT person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at
him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer rubbish." We don't mind at all
hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as rubbish.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an
extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT Support.
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack.
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the
challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk
space on that mail server.
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to
squeeze a memo into the queue.
29. When an IT person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very
loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us
up to no end.
30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast
of what's going on.
31. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do
weekends.
32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic
feature.
33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll
find all the settings and drivers somewhere.....

Thanks, IT Support

>I wanted sooooooo badly to send this out en masse....

[Imagenatas]

I got this one in an E-mail sometime ago. I wanted to add it to the list.

Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff of a computer support department near you...

1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than #3. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to #4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno bulls**t to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak the same language we do. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simply admit what you did to cause this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $45 an hour to teach you, because we won't do it for free.


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Hey? Why is my computer promting me if I would like to accept a cookie? Is it Oatmeal or Chocolate Chip?

[Sowulo]

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just shoot myself!!!

[evilcabbage]

I emailed it to all the staff in the company im currently looking after.

I think they got the message, as they were all really really really nice to me as I was leaving the office today ...

[captpackrat]

<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Verdana, Geneva, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Student^2:
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to
squeeze a memo into the queue.</font>

I'm afraid I've done that before, mostly by accident. I don't always check to see how long a PDF is before printing. Not a good thing when trying to print Cisco documentations. "What do you mean you're printing a 1000 page document on the department's only laser printer?!?"


A few more to add to that list:

When you recieve an e-mail from the Network Administrator warning not to open any e-mails with the subject "I Love You", open them anyway! It could be from that cute guy over in purchasing!

You don't need to update your workstation's anti-virus software. Your company has a firewall! Viruses can't get through that!

Always leave messages on the IS person's chair, with no name or phone number. We can recognise your handwriting.

Be sure to e-mail everyone in the company (especially IS) about that terrible "Good Times" virus you heard about in an e-mail from your friend's sister's mother-in-law's third cousin twice removed.

The hand trucks in engineering are not for transporting heavy equipment, they are for you to use as a book case.

That piece of expensive test equipment sitting on an engineer's desk couldn't possibly be his own personal property, it has to be owned by the company. And he's not using it, so it must be alright for you to take it.

The sign that reads "Not a hallway" only applies to people fatter than you. If you can squeeze through, it's a hallway.

Those data cables hanging from ceiling are load-bearing. Feel free to test this by pulling on them.

Managers, don't consult your engineers before making an IT decision. You know more than they do.

Don't telephone or e-mail anyone in IS. Instead, page them over the loud speaker. They can hear it just fine over the whirring of the computer fans, and if they don't, anyone else in the company can tell them.

Engineers like cold food. Wait until they are eating before asking for help.




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Captain Troy D. Pack Rat
`akbar Press

If you're furry and you know it, hug the mouse!