FYI, Major Kong's entries in the Rhetorical thread spurred this on.


Charmin Bathroom Tissue = the devil.

My wife thought it would be a cool thing to do than to purchase some Charmin rolls to try after being subjected to the cute propaganda of the "bear" ads.

It almost tore us apart.

Let me explain a bit.


Here is what the website says about this product:


It's soft, cloth-like, and more absorbent that the regular stuff*. That means a comfy clean for the whole family, and that's a clean you can get behind. Comfy clean. Cha cha cha Charmin.

*vs. leading regular bathroom tissue.






All reflections to the insipid tone of the advert aside, I must warn you all to the un-truthfulness of this text and the results implied in the TV commercials.


Simply put, Charmin will smear your buttcrack over and over again until you've gone through 2 rolls. I kid you not.

This stuff is so "soft and smooth" that they must have coated it with teflon.

The underlying composition might very well be absorbent, but you'll never find out because of the slip-and-glide job it will do when you use it. Instead of actually working like other brands, it will spread defecation around like it was waxed paper.

To say that this paper is soft would be an understatement. It is soooooooo soft that your fingers will poke right through if you apply any kind of pressure to it! I almost ripped myself a new one quite literally. Bastards.

I thought it may have been an isolated incident by I was given the opportunity to repeat the experiment over and over again after a particularly copious serving of jambalaya one evening.

This is an especially difficult situation for those of us sporting hair in that area. Trust me on this: The TV commercials are blatant lies because there is no way in hell that a bear could use this product without there being a whole mess of feces being flung about from stained fingers as they go through the paper when it snags. And it will snag unless you're hairless in that area.

The only way those ads can be truthful is if all those cute teddies are polar bears that have used the product. Please note the fur colouring in the following which would tend to support this theory:





While trying to deal with this situation, even if I usually have a calm and serene attitude towards life in general and am used to changing diapers and the like, I must admit to screaming, raving like a madman and tossing the leftover rolls of Charmin Ultra right out the window. Literally. Idiots.


My couple is now safe, having removed the offending demon-posessed product from our home.

I implore you to be careful, should you ever have to use this particular brand.

Thank you for your time.